And other surprises that come along with this Corona Virus.

For example this isolation stuff might be right in my wheelhouse.

I’ve been dying my own hair since I was 14 and I’ve always been right on top of it.

I didn’t even remember what color my natural hair was.

I have plenty of hair dye in my house but have I been using it? No.

Even though I’ve finally discovered it’s grey I couldn’t give less of a shit.

Who’s gonna see me? My doorman when I take Debby out?

I gave up the idea of tapping that ever since he showed me a huge tattoo of 4 of his 6 children on his back.

Doing laundry?

A thing of the past.

I wear one dress on my dog walks and the second I get home I put on one of my many shmattas WHICH are cleaned whenever I take a shower.

(You remember the promise I made to my Super never to be naked. I”m a woman of my word.)

Group gatherings?

!’ve never been good at parties.

I have absolutely no ability for small talk.

I usually sit near the peanut M&M’s and sip my cocktail until it’s a reasonable time to leave then I beat it.

I was better when my friend Liz lived down the hall.

We once went to a party and I saw her walk over to an older woman and say “What a lovely hat” and the two of them chatted away.

So I started complementing people on their hats and I will say it improved my party personality.

But Liz moved to Santa Fe and people stopped wearing hats and anyway all I had down the hall was her republican, racist ex fiance who wouldn’t know a nice hat if he was wearing one.

The only thing he could teach me as an ice breaker would be “Nice tits” or some joke where the punch line would his latest slur for Mexicans or Jews.

So I’m just as happy not going to parties and people  are just as happy not to invite me.

So we are both left with this…Zen

That’s just one of the things I’ve learned about myself during the isolation of my confinement.

I gotta say that I pretty much had life aced before all this but having every day be exactly the same has opened me up to notice little things that might have passed me by while I was busy taking showers, combing my hair and changing my clothes.

For example, did you ever notice that your thumbs don’t wrinkle at the same rate as your toes?

And you can get Amazon to deliver almost anything except body parts.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want any body parts at the present time but I am on a fact finding mission and who knows what the future holds.

Anyway this could go on forever and everybody can use an extra spleen.

And besides I have a sister, nephews, nieces and cousins who would be glad to give me whatever I need.

I used to be quite the social butterfly so this isolation is really putting a crimp in my style.

Once or twice a month I’d go to Brooklyn with my two friends Ronnie and Susan. Susan lives there.

Anyway we’d live it up.

Lunch and Stop N Shop.

Once in awhile we’d go crazy and get mani pedis.

And many Sundays Julie and her family would come over for dinner.

They were perfect guests because when I’d say “Go Home”, they’d jump up mid bite and race to the door.

All except Dan, Julie’s husband.

It seems that the goyim can’t leave a house without peeing first.

Anyway it worked for all of us. They could be home by 6 and I could take a shower (people used to do that then) and watch whatever housewife show was on the boob tube.

Those were crazy times.

Well at least I can give you…Zen

OR what I’ve learned during this confinement.

First of all you can buy a new cd of the Best of the Everly Brothers to play in your car but you can get quite a bit of joy just looking at it all new in the wrapper on your dining room table.

When you live alone you don’t have to change your sheets every time you find a bit of meat loaf in them.

Make up???

I went to Sephora with my sister and bought some new things to enhance my natural beauty just before the shut down.

Still unopened.

I thought I really didn’t need it but when I went out to walk my dog I pulled my mask down to adjust it and my doorman suggested it wouldn’t kill me to put on a drop of blush .

Exercise is very personal.  It’s not all push ups and knee bends. Sometimes it’s just walking across the floor without touching any dog chews.

And who says you have to comb your hair every day?

I mean if you’re doing a video chat, okay. But my new style of waist length knots seems to look pretty rad (I think that means “perky”. I heard it on TMZ and I thought “Why not? I’m not 100. I can still get down with the kids)

I think that’s enough for today…..Zen

They can’t all be movie star perfect.