I have decided to have a different personality.
Here’s what writing down everything that happens in your life does to you. It makes you see how stupid you are.
I’ve been talking about all this pension stuff and the emails going back and forth. Even though each email is costing me money because my lawyer charges me, I really want it finished so I’m accepting it.
I also felt that maybe the worst of it was over with dave. I was less angry and even feeling sorry for him. I actually spent time talking to my accountant and lawyer in an effort to save him from serious financial penalties. I was thinking that maybe in some distant future we could be friendly if not friends.
Two things happened yesterday that made me realize the impossibility of that..
Number one, dave was snotty to me and number two, at around 2 in the afternoon (2 in the morning to him) he said he had to go to bed and he’d get back to us in the morning.
I immediately pictured him getting into bed with this stranger and I felt a pang. I wonder if he told her to “scoot over” to make room for him like he did to me when he came to bed late.
I am clearly not over this. I forget sometimes that I’m mad so I slip back into my old persona but the new me is not going to let that happen any more.
I’m not going to say that I will stay mad, that would only hurt me. I will just have no contact with or about dave that isn’t necessary to my life.
I won’t even write about him unless he’s arrested for something interesting like murder or drunk and disorderly or some kind of cross dressing offense.
Wait, I can’t totally eliminate using him to make a point in a story so I guess I will still write about him. I just won’t talk to him or look at him or think about him.
I”m going to think exclusively about puppies.
Anything to rid my mind of the image of the video of that big fat yellow snake that can open doors and slam it’s body into the room to the words of “good job” from it’s owner.
And I don’t want to think about dave either.
From my experience it never gets better or goes away. I try to accept that I’m going to have those `kicked in the stomach` moments. They are a part of my life that I don’t deserve but have anyway. Don’t get mad at yourself or try to change or fix anything about you. Your not the broken one. You never were and your still not. Give yourself a break. Feel sad when it happens then pick yourself up and continue being you because your GREAT.
I’ll try to follow your advice. I do have to say that for the most part I’m happier than I’ve ever been. It’s just those little ‘blips’.
I’ve heard moments like these called “grief bursts”. They hit you without warning. It’s kinda like “visiting the graveyard”. You think you’re good until you’re at the marker and then “BAM!”. Or you’re at the spaghetti aisle at the grocery store and start crying because your loved one enjoyed eating spaghetti when they were alive. I’ve found it helpful to think about these moments as waves… they wash over you… and then subside… As time goes on, they will tend to happen less often… and soften… You will recognize them for what they are, allow them to do their work of exposing another layer of grief, and then peacefully move on…
so beautifully said. Thank you.