Every year on my birthday my mother would call me up and say

“I wasn’t feeling so good 10, 27, or 30 years ago today” and then she’d reminisce about the day of my birth.

Well 37 years ago today I was in the car with my parents on the way to the Essex House to get dressed for my wedding.

I can’t say I wasn’t feeling so good but I certainly was nervous.

I was the first one in my family to marry someone who wasn’t jewish, something that if I wasn’t 31 and clearly over the hill my mother never would have stood for.

Although she seemed to accept that I was marrying dave my mother did feel it her obligation to remind me that it was only a matter of time before he called me a “dirty jew”

My in laws had been in town for several days before the wedding and the glaring difference between them and my parents really jumped out at me.

My mother was, let’s face it, like me.

My mother in law wouldn’t have said the word ‘shit’ if she had a mouth full of it.

My father and my father in law, a Methodist minister, got along quite well. They were both intellectuals and since my father had traveled through the south extensively he knew how to speak southern.

My mother and me, not so much.

My mother in law never felt that  comfortable with me either. I was constantly saying things that would make her head itch.

I had no ability for small talk. She, on the other hand, could do 30 minutes on the weather.

I won’t say my mother in law got to love me because I don’t think she ever did. But she did appreciate my strong feeling for family.

When my father in law retired, since he had been given housing as part of his salary, they had no place to live.  It was me that insisted that we buy them a house. For the first time in their married life they knew where they’d be living from year to year.

My mother in law wanted to love me. She loved everyone. She really was a good Christian. And she was grateful to me but I just wasn’t her cup of tea.

And I was no angel either. If I had my life to live over again, I would have been kinder. I would have let her win sometimes.

I remember one time they were visiting around Christmas.

I had been telling dave I wanted to give them $500. He kept saying $250 was plenty.

We were all playing cards and after a long game I won. My mother in law misunderstood and thought dave won and started cheering and patting him on the back. dave corrected her and told her I won.

Her face fell and she said “darn” ( I never heard anyone say darn before).

dave and I went into the bedroom to write the check.

“$500 ?” he said.

“Nah $250 is fine”

That “darn” cost her 250 bucks.

I’m ashamed of that now.

Today being an iffy holiday I heard from Captain Hugh again.

“Hi Captain, how are you?”

“I can’t get around at all any more” He did sound terrible.

I had my niece, Stephanie on the other line so I cut to the chase.

My family came to visit this weekend so I haven’t written in awhile.

My niece Julie got her picture and a blurb about her new book on friendship in the New York Times this Sunday.

I don’t want to pat myself on the back but she’s only following in my footsteps.

After college I worked as a caseworker in the south bronx.

During that time I too was quoted in the New York Times. It was in an article on lousy caseworkers.

I just don’t want you to think Julie is the only one in the family with creds.

I loved the Grammy’s last night. Just to show you how lame I am I started taking notes thinking I’d tell you all my opinion on several of the acts. All of a sudden I realized. Who gives a shit what I thought of the Grammy’s? I’m 67. oops 68. Remember I had a birthday.

I will say that my nephew Paul, who used to be the head writer at Pop Up Video, always said that I had the musical taste of a 15 year old girl.

Anyway my fingers are crossed that I’ll meet Bruno Mars in Gristede’s and he’ll fall in love with me and we’ll dance and dance.

What kind of dopes spend a fortune on therapy?

I’m taking another 1/2 a pill a day and I feel great.

Yesterday’s blog upset a lot of people because I said I was sad. I think it was really because I used the word “unloveable”.

My family and Lew Soloff called me to tell me that isn’t true.

It makes it a bit difficult for me.

This blog has been the best thing that’s happened to me since I can’t remember when. I aways tell the truth in it. At least the truth as I see it.

If I hold back because I don’t want to make the people I love feel bad it loses it’s power.

It doesn’t lose it’s power to annoy Liz’s David though.

I was sitting in Liz’s house yesterday when David called from Mexico. Liz kept saying “no, I’m not telling her”

“Give me the phone”

In his usual annoyed voice he said “Asking why there is only one quarterback on the field at a time is such a fundamental question that someone who asks it hasn’t got even a basic knowledge of the game. Its like saying  “Did you know the black and white keys on a piano have letters too?”

“They do?”

“Put Liz back on”

I went to my shrink yesterday.

I have been having a kind of setback.

I cried all the way to her office and the whole time I was there.

I kept saying to her, ” I’m really much better. Most days I’m very happy. Except for this nervous breakdown and the terrifying dreams I’m fine”.

She says it’s normal. When you’ve been together for almost 40 years it isn’t a clean break. There will be waves of sadness.

I told her that I think it started a few weeks ago when I realized that even though I didn’t know it he must have not loved me for a long time.

The word unloveable keeps coming up in my mind.

She reminded me that I knew he was kind of limited in that way from the first.

I had told her that when we first started living together we went up to his apartment to get his mail. There was a big pile of bills on the floor and 3 or 4 big fat letters from his mother and sister. He only picked up the bills.

I always used to say that even though I loved a load of people he only loved me. The next person was way far down and I suspect it was

I know it’s strange but I can’t even remember living with dave. It’s sort of a blank. I know we used to laugh a lot but I can’t remember at what and I couldn’t repeat one conversation we had that didn’t have to do with  business.

Oh yeah I do remember one thing “I’m in love with a japanese woman”

Today he forwarded a letter that he sent to a musician that he’s hiring for the tour. He referred to me a few times as “my wife Mattie”.

It seemed so weird reading that. He’s on our boat with another woman yet he uses that term. I almost feel like saying “How dare you”. I don’t identify with it at all.

I don’t sign my emails to him because I used to sign them wifey.

By the way, I’m not down anymore.

My shrink upped my meds and today I’m right as rain.

I watched a whole football game last night even though I really don’t understand football. I enjoyed the game but I was clearly irritating David.

I knew I shouldn’t talk and I tried to only ask questions when nothing was happening. (I can see all of you rolling your eyes and pitying David)

Did you know that there’s only one quarterback on the field at a time?

When I complained about him  to my sister she asked why I didn’t just go home.

BECAUSE I WAS WAITING FOR THE CHINESE FOOD TO BE DELIVERED!

I know I should have been more sensitive since other than hating everyone who isn’t exactly like him his only other interest is football and this was the Academy Awards of football.

After I took my food and ate, that seemed to irritate him too because he kept looking at my plate every time he walked past me, I went home at the 2 minute thing.

I finished watching it in my own chair.

As soon as the game was over my sweet Liz called to tell me the Giants won.

Again, see why I love her and hate him?

And I’ll keep on hating him until dave does something thoughtless and I have to run to him for comfort.

I’ve been trying to cut down on my expenses so yesterday I cancelled the weekend New York Times delivery.

I felt really guilty because I know how newspapers are losing money and I love reading the Times on my computer during the week and getting the Sunday edition delivered to my door..

It was less than $30 a month but I figure every little bit helps.

At about 10 this morning I got a call from the New York Times asking me to reconsider. I explained that I just couldn’t afford it at this time but as soon as I could I would reinstate it.

The woman said that they would give me a 50% deduction for 6 months which would be about $13 a month.

I jumped at it for 2 reasons.

1. $13 was very manageable.

2. This morning I was at Liz and David’s house “sharing the morning” when David picked up the Times and mumbled “Now I think I’ll check on what the Communist Manifesto has to say today”

I’m always telling you why I love him but now do you see why I hate him?

I had dinner with Ronnie last night.

She suggested “Ocean Grill”. It’s one of my favorite restaurants but it’s a bit pricey and my first reaction was I don’t want to spend so much money. I’m more of a diner girl now.

Ronnie said we hardly ever eat anyplace nice any more so let’s treat ourselves. I actually didn’t need that much encouragement.

I got there a little early so I sat at the bar.

I got into a conversation with the bartender, a pretty young woman about Cosmopolitan’s that aren’t too sweet. She made me one and it was perfect.

A man sat down next to me smiling and said “You must be my date”.

I knew he was just being charming. He was close to 10 years younger than me and really handsome.

He, the bartender and I were chatting away and laughing.

All of a sudden I realized that I was having a feeling I hadn’t had in so many years. I was enjoying being in the presence of an attractive man.

Now let me be clear. This guy was warm and friendly but we weren’t flirting or anything..

If you had asked me yesterday if I ever wanted to date again I would have given you a resounding no.

I still am no where near ready and I would never get married again but I enjoyed the attention.

I even told the two of them how I was feeling. Naturally I mentioned getting dumped after 36 years of marriage (Ronnie says I can only do that for a year and then that has to stop)

The bartender told me that her mother had been married for 40 years when her husband left  her for her friend.

I’m seeing that I’m less and less unique.

I suggested she read my blog. She was looking for a pen to write it down when I asked for the check because I could see Ronnie coming in.

Frank, (that was his name) said “I’ve got it”.

I said “No No” when I realized that he meant the pen, not my drink. Talk about awkward. He looked like he was gonna faint.

Since this whole conversation had a real impact on me I warned them that I’d have to write about them.

Frank gave me his card so I’d spell his name right.

My super and I were having coffee together today and he asked me if I believed in God.

The explanation as to why we were having coffee isn’t that interesting, we were waiting for the guys to come to replace my terrace doors.

How we strayed from discussing Mob Wives to the Supreme Deity was a bit more complicated. It might have been because I mentioned in conversation that dave was going to hell.

When I answered his question by telling him that I wasn’t sure there was a God and in fact I didn’t believe in hell even if there was one he was visibly shocked.

“If there’s a God, there’s a hell” he insisted.

“Say there is a God and he’s too sweet to make a hell. Or maybe hell is like the Bronx. I worked there in the 70’s and believe me it fits the bill”

That’s when I realized that I should drop the whole thing.

Just yesterday he said I was a sweetheart.

I don’t want him to change his mind and start thinking of me as a heathen.

I think that when he comes back from getting a hammer I’m going to tell him I was born again.

I did go to visit Dave Taylor’s mother. It wasn’t a nursing home it was an assisted living place that had been converted from a luxury hotel

Gertie was as great as I knew she’d be.

She kept complaining that her children  stuck her in this hole and with no regard for her feelings.

Because I love her I jumped right on the bandwagon calling them a bunch of shits and kept agreeing with her adding “One mother can take care care of twelve children but twelve children can’t take care of one mother”

“ten” she corrected, clearly pleased that I knew her mantra.

I brought her flowers and when Ronnie went to get a vase she gave me the lowdown on the “hole”.

Everyone was so nice and she had the best room.

She started bragging about the food and the entertainment. She said that the music was so good last night that even the people in wheelchairs were dancing.

She has a regular card game and the sweetest russian girl who really likes her who waits on her hand and foot.

We went down to the sunroom which has beautiful gardens and a view of the ocean. She met up with her friend of about 50 years who lives there too.

While they were all talking I was eying some of the men.

I’m not going to say that any of them would be my first choice but there was one guy who looked a little like Kirk Douglas. If you could get past the walker and the oxygen thing in his nose he wasn’t half bad.

I’ve dated worse. Remember the guy who tried to run me over?