176 Day 2 I’m still happy but only the americanos are giving me some yucks

We’re on the ship. Tres elegante.

You people know me. I’m not a complainer but you can take Lisbon and shove it up your poop.

The people are certainly nice and it isn’t their fault that the sidewalks are cobblestone and not some of the sidewalks – ALL OF THEM.

I have to say that I wasn’t impressed.
There was one nice moment in the lobby of the hotel where this woman (american ) started screaming at her husband that she refused to be treated that way and told him and the rest of the people in the lobby that he could go fuck himself.

It made me proud of the red, white and blue.

I’ll be in touch
btw patty – ask paul how to write to marcia. she misses you

175 Here I am in Portugal representing the U S of A and doing a fine job of it. Kinda

Buenos dias muchacha bananas. Here I am in Portugal.

Lemme tell you these people have a language all their own and it ain’t acceptable. They make you think they’re talkin’ something you know and then they make a left turn.

BOM appetit?? I don’t think so.

Anyway it’s day 2 and I’m as happy as I’ve ever been.

Our hotel is really fancy. The room is all glass. In fact even the bathroom is glass so I can lie in my bed and watch my sister take a bath.

It’s only a matter of time before one of us walks into some glass something and needs stitches. I’ll own this fuckin’ country.

We’re still getting over jet lag.  A free buffet  breakfast is served from 7:30 to 10:30.

We got up at 10:22 but nothing deters the  Smith girls. We were down there chewing  at 10:29 with crazy hair and no make up.

Time to start our day. I’ll keep in touch.

I know how interesting it can be to read about other peoples vacations so I’ll include every tiny detail even the fact that in the dark in  the middle of the night it’s almost impossible to tell the difference between a bidet and a toilet.

174. I’m off. When I come back I won’t speak a word of english!

I’m leaving for my trip to Portugal and Spain today.

I’m so excited. I just want to get away and be with my sister and shop and laugh and have delicious drinks in the town squares.

The airline isn’t making it any easier on me.

Every time I go on line they give me another departure time and flight time.

Here’s what’s giving me anxiety. It’s a night flight and I am sitting in a middle seat because my sister has long legs and she needs the aisle. Therefore I have a choice of putting on my banana nose breathing machine or snoring so that no one else on the plane can sleep. I’m leaning towards the latter. Am I my brother’s keeper?

In addition I wrote to the tour guy for dave’s tour and said if they don’t pay me  I won’t do the visas. (Hi backbone, where ya been?)

I got no answer but he is in New York and he wishes to see me. Probably as David says, to “jew” me down.

Dave forwarded me a letter he sent them saying that they better pay me because I won’t do it if they don’t.

I wrote  back to him and said “See? You still watch out for me even though you’re a lying skeeve”

Here’s another thing that’s weighing on me.

I think Capt. Hugh is dead.

He never misses a holiday and I mean Groundhog Day and Mother’s Day even though I’m clearly not his mother to call and bemoan his situation.

Easter came and went and nothing.

That is not good.

Liz came over to wish me a BonVoyage and a hug.

As he was getting on the elevator David gave me some much needed advice (according to him)

1 if there’s any problem on the boat push everyone aside and jump on a life boat since only on an English ship will they adhere to women and children first. In Spain, no way!  Each man for himself.(that’s him talking)

2. If there is some kind of political insurrection, and there will be, don’t go to the American Embassy. Go to the Canadian or his beloved British Embassy.

3. Avoid all public places. That should make for an interesting trip.

He’s been unusually nice to me. He even took me out to dinner last night because as he says, “Planes go down and ships sink”.

173. Tonight I’m going to bed with swim fins on

“How was my night?” you ask.

I know you didn’t ask but you’re gonna know.


My sleep machine poured water on my face TWICE.

I almost drowned because you have to find the little clamp to get the thing off and that ain’t easy.

PLUS while I was gasping for breath I put my arm down and broke my TV glasses.

Still I live in hope. If I can get it working it shouldn’t interfere with my getting another  man. That is if I can find some extraterrestrial conspiracist who gets turned on by someone with an elephant nose tube coming out of their face.

I finally got to sleep, sans mask at about 4 a.m.

Stephanie, an early riser called me this morning at around 7:30  to:

1. instruct me not to make the horoseth (a mixture of ground walnuts, apples and kosher wine ) too watery. She likes to bring the leftovers to her in laws for Easter and it makes the matzo soggy.

And 2. She  invited me to Shelter Island with her and a few other couples. I said no I don’t want to be a third wheel. I regretted saying that because I knew it would make her feel bad for me.

“Well face it you are a third wheel. That’s your lot from now on but don’t feel bad about that. Julie and I were third wheels to you and dave for years. You’d be surprised  at how easy it gets with time.”

Try taking yourself too seriously with that kid in the family.

172. Two people walk into a bar. One says to the other, “I’ll love and protect you for life…April Fool”

He came over. He kept postponing his arrival so by the time he got here I wasn’t as nervous, although my hands were shaking.

He must have been uncomfortable too because he had the doorman call the home he lived in for 36 years before he came up.

It was so strange dealing with him. The stranger with the face of my best friend”

He was my husband but he wasn’t. I immediately got into my usual role of taking care of him. He gave me some money and I gave him some of it back.  Even now I don’t know why.

Now I see why lawyers do this. It’s too emotional.

When we talked about the boat I said I want nothing to do with it. He can have it. He said what if it’s sold?

I hesitated. “My reaction is to say just keep it , it’s yours but I don’t want to be a fool”

He said “You would be a fool if you don’t protect yourself. Have the agreement say that if I sell the boat we split the money”

We discussed the house. After about a minute I gave in. I figured he’d never give it to me anyway.

We would split the house, the expenses and the income.

The rest of the stuff was pretty much 50/50.

Since even he agreed that I was more reliable than he is, I will receive the money and deposit his share in his account.

As he was leaving he took the stance he always takes when he has something on his mind.

“I want you to know that I am so sorry for what I’ve done to you”

My eyes filled with tears.

Then he added “But it was necessary”

Those tears dried up immediately.

“Why do you always have to add that?” he just shook his head and walked to the door.

I wish he had started the meeting with that. I’d still have the house.

“I’ll be seeing you” he mumbled

“I hope not” I said and I walked away leaving him by the elevator.

During the night I woke up in a panic when I realized that if he dies before we sell the house that I would own it with her. I sent him an email saying if he dies I want his half of the house.

He agreed.

One other thing. About an hour after he left I got an email from my lawyer saying “Whatever you do don’t agree to give him part of the house”


Back to real life. Liz and David came back last night from Sante Fe visiting Liz’s family.

On Sunday I sent an email to both of them. The Subject was “I hope you understand”

The email said:

dave and the woman have no place to stay tonight.

They’re leaving for Japan at 6 am.

There’s no way I can bear them sleeping in my house so I told them they can sleep on your couch.

It’s only for one night and I think he’ll be more agreable with the settlement if I help them.

Do you have sheets for the couch or should I use mine?


No sooner had I sent it then I got an email from David saying “Are you fucking kidding?”

and the phone rang.

It was Liz.

“Did you get my email?”

“Yes, I did. I wish you hadn’t sent it to David too. He’s going to go nuts. Are you saying that dave and his girlfriend will be staying on the 18th floor with you just across the hall?”

“Yes. I didn’t know how to say no”

“Mattie I will give you money for a hotel for them. You cannot do that”

“Liz, what’s today?”


“And what’s the date?”

“April 1”

“And what’s April 1?”
She thought for a minute and then screamed …..”Fuck you!!!” and then she started laughing uncontrollingly

(Liz never curses and she will kill me for quoting her but truth is my middle name. It’s Joan too but I use Truth mostly”)

This is an example of how they’ve both acted since the day I found out that my marriage was over.

I want to say publicly that I am so lucky to have Liz and David as friends (yes David, you’re my friend).

They made this whole period bearable and I will be eternally grateful.

171.Negotiation day with my soon to be ex. If he doesn’t leave wearing my clothes I’ll consider it a win.

Today dave is coming over to sign some papers and to discuss the separation agreement.

I didn’t sleep all night.

One of the things I kept insisting on to my lawyer was that I would get the montauk house. I was firm about this.

We bought it so that we would own something to rent or sell if we needed to .

Although my family used it dave and I rarely did in recent years since he didn’t like to be there that much and summer was when he worked the  most.

I’m such a tough negotiator that I don’t know why I spent money on that high priced lawyer.

Last night he sent me an email saying he didn’t want to give me the whole house. He had loads of ideas about how we could get money out of the house without selling it and we could rent it and he would agree never to go there.

I pretty much agreed. One email and I fold.

In fairness to me the magic words were he would agree never to go there. The thought of that woman spending time in my house made me want to puke.

This morning I was talking with my sister about how to deal with him today and the second I mentioned that I was worried about how he would pay for things I could see that she got nervous.

She didn’t actually use the word “patsy” because she didn’t want to stress me more than I’m stressed now but she suggested I make a list of what I want to discuss and stick to it.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

Oh I never said how the second night at the sleep center went.

In order to garner sympathy from my family and friends I took a picture of myself with all the wires attached to me and a sad look on my face and emailed it to them.

Every single person except one sent back “poor you” messages.

The exception was Stephanie who wrote “All you have to do is sleep so put away the violins”