Over 30 years ago dave and I went to a party at the home of a recording engineer that we used a lot.

Even though he was married I had heard that he was sleeping with a girl who worked in the studio, maybe as a secretary or as an assistant engineer. I’m not sure. It was a long time ago so some of the details are kind of vague to me.

When we got to the party I was surprised to see that he had hired the studio girl to tend bar. His wife was older and not as pretty as this girl but she was really nice and very warm and charming. Obviously she had no clue as to the relationship between her husband and the girl.

To say that this didn’t make me happy would be an understatement. I thought he was a real shit and I had no use at all for her.

Never one to keep my opinions to myself, I had plenty of snotty things to say in what I assumed was out of her earshot.

I did say to him “Your girlfriend is real classy. I love the way she snaps her gum”.

I never gave her another thought.

About ten years later dave was doing a few jingles for a major advertising agency. He told me that one of the heads of the agency would stop by and leave a tape.

She got there a few minutes before dave got home. She looked vaguely familiar but I didn’t recognize her until she asked me for a napkin.

“I know how it irritates you when someone cracks their gum so I’ll just spit it out”

All I could do was mumble something with a shit eating grin on my face.

Not long after that I went to an art show. The artist was very talented and he had a gofer there who ran around getting everyone drinks or whatever they wanted.

Still shaky from my previous experience, I was very friendly towards him and I think we even gave him a ride home.

And don’t ya’ know about 3 years later I met him on the street and he remembered me.

He was delivering for “Mr. Sushi” and offered me a free california roll.

I spent the night at Stephanie’s and Terry’s.

I’m planning 2 trips in the near future. One to Santa Fe to visit Lizzie and another in October to Italy with my sister.

Since Steph and Terry will be in Santa Fe when I’m there, I’m hoping Scott and Mary will stay with Ray.

Ray is certainly getting used to being at Steph’s. He’s running around like crazy which is why, as you can see in this photo, he can barely keep his eyes open.

That made me think that I could leave him with them for the week that I’m in Italy.

That is until both Steph and Terry told me that when I left the house Ray climbed on the kitchen counter and stayed there until either they chased him off or I came back.

I’m thinking Scott again. Ray just loves him.

It’s Sunday morning and as we sometimes do, David and I were having coffee together. Naturally I told him about the trips and my worries about leaving Ray.

After he let me know that there wasn’t one thing that I was saying that interested him at all, I proved him wrong by saying that I needed his advice on planes to Santa Fe. I remembered he told me that a flight to Santa Fe could be $1000.” Is that true?”

I don’t know how we got from that question to how I don’t know how big Texas is (like anybody gives a shit). I think it’s how boys are. You ask them any question and they tell you everything they know about it.

“It’s true I don’t know where Houston is or Dallas or any of the other Jew hatin’ cities in Texas are and I’m not going to Texas anyway.  I’m going to Santa Fe which I admit I couldn’t pick out on a map but since I won’t be navigating for the pilot what difference does that make?”

When he got tired of haranguing me for not knowing anything about geography he decided to lighten the moment by telling me that he was nice to someone.

“That’s news, who?”

“The skinny woman at the gym.”

Now this surprised me because he is always coming home from the gym in a rage because this woman leaves her coat on the machine next to her or leaves her machine sweaty or just offends him with her skinniness.

“What made you do that?”

“I don’t know I just decided to. I said “Good morning” and smiled at her.”

“How’d she react?”

“She was very pleasant”

I wasn’t surprised. David can be very charming when he wants to be, which is almost never with me.

“David I hope you don’t mind if I write about this. I so seldom have anything good to say about you.”

“It’s okay with me as long as you include what happened on the bus yesterday.”

“Okay what?”

It seems he was on the bus when a girl bumped into him while texting. She apologized and he responded with “I know it’s hard to be polite when you’re texting inane banalities to other little nitwits”

Maybe you can help me with this. Why would someone would be proud of being such a prick?

I spent the weekend with my sister and Ray in Montauk.

The floor had been replaced. A new wall was put up and painted and we wanted to go out and fix the place up for renters. The house looks beautiful now.

We also wanted to be together. Marcia lives upstate and we don’t get that much time alone. She’s taken care of me all my life and I love her so much.

I tried to dump Ray with my nephew Scott but for some reason he chose to go away with his girlfriend to celebrate her birthday.  I will never understand guys in their twenties.

I can’t imagine that she’s more fun than Ray especially since Ray just learned to fetch.

Well it turns out that Scott made the right choice.

The first night Ray had a nervous breakdown. Actually it might have just been a bad dream

He was sleeping under my covers like he always does and all of a sudden he started screaming. He jumped out of bed and refused to get back in.

Every once in awhile I’d go look for him and he’d be sitting up outside Marcia’s door.

I finally took a mental patient pill and went to sleep which has become my present way of dealing with that which I can’t change.

If you can’t fix it, take dope.

I’m so sorry I didn’t have children to pass on all this wisdom I’ve picked up through the years.

He was just fine in the morning so we went out to breakfast. Marcia had eggs and toast and Ray and I each had a whole wheat wrap with egg and goat cheese.

Then we all went to the beach.

It was such a beautiful day and the beach was nearly empty. Just me and a boy and his aunt

BTW do any of you want to rent my house? I’d certainly give my blog followers a discount. You are all so special to me.

(this is a complete lie. I will try and soak you for all the money I can just as I would any other dope that couldn’t think of anything better to do in the summer than drive for a million hours in traffic to go to a crowded beach with long waits at restaurants and sub par treatment when you finally get in.)

Looking forward to hearing from you.

I can’t stand when my loved ones aren’t happy.

How do I know they’re happy?  They smile or tell me so. Most of them that is.

Ray is another story.

His basic look is depressed. I’m always trying to figure what I can do to put a smile on that face.

It isn’t the breed. I’ve seen lots of happy looking boston terriers. He’s not one of them. I want to think that he just has a sad resting face, that he isn’t always miserable.

It didn’t help when I was complaining to Stephanie that he should be happier because I saved him from the pound where they were going to kill him, her answer was maybe he doesn’t look at it as you rescued him but that you “took” him.

My imagination goes wild. Does he hate it here? Maybe I’m just not his type. I’ve shown you how he sits by David’s door waiting him to come home from work.

Now David is truly the most unlikable person ever. He isn’t mean to Ray but other than saying hello and letting him sit on the chair with him he pays zero attention to him.

I do everything I can for my dog.

I spent the winter with my terrace door open in -10 degrees weather so in case he wanted to go out he could.

I share my meals and my bed with him

Hell, I let him lick my teeth.

And this past week David was with Liz in Santa Fe so every evening before dinner I’d walk with Ray over to David’s house and let him pretend that his friend is here.

I let him Sit on David’s chair

I let him sit on David’s couch

I let him take a nap in David’s bed

But do you see a smile there? Cause I sure as hell don’t.

I think I’ll take him for a walk now. Maybe we’ll pass some other dogs that he can attack.

He likes to do that.

I said I’d get back to you.

This was not easy on anyone. I had to wake up Ray at the crack of dawn and he likes to sleep in on a Monday. He was bleary eyed all day.

But since this was an emergency he knew he’d just have to deal with it.

I picked up Julie.

She told me that she was thinking of shaving her legs but she decided that if the case goes south, having hairy legs may make her less attractive in the slammer.

We made sure to get there early which gave us plenty of time to either go over our case or take the tour of the new i watch on our phones.

We were just getting to the part about being able to check yourself for rickets when a text came in from Dan.

“The defense calls Mattie Matthews”.

I will never get over how easily he’s taking this whole thing since his name is on all the documents. I guess that’s because he’s from Iowa .

I think the jails there are the kind Barney Fife used to be in charge of and he was only allowed one bullet so you only had to serpentine once to escape without getting shot

Not to be outdone, Julie answered “Sorry, Honey, got tired of waiting so we left but you’ll look great in orange.”

We finished up our video and used the rest of the time examining the other people waiting.

One girl came rushing in and she was wearing a neck brace.

”Why didn’t we think of that Jules?”

“Well if we did we’d be smarter at it. She really ought to slow down if she wants any sympathy” She went back to texting with Dan while I kept watching the people.

Then bent neck girl  took off her coat. She was wearing a thin spaghetti strap blouse with no bra.

In my mind I gave her a nod of appreciation.

Tits and wounds, that’s pulling out all the stops. I tip my hat to ye lady.

I looked over at Julie. She wasn’t even wearing lipstick and if there were tits under that hoodie you couldn’t tell by me.

Where have I gone wrong?

Then court began.

Much to our surprise the Landlord sent his lawyer. This made Julie really nervous. She started shaking so much that the homeless woman behind her leaned over to comfort her.

I was thinking “That neck brace looks pretty good to you now huh?”

Anyway I’m not going to drag this out. Julie was called up to the judge and even he couldn’t figure out what the lawyer was doing there.   The case went Julie’s way and the landlord even had to return the late fee.

Julie only had to be in cuffs for about a half hour  but that was for an outstanding warrant from 1994 for spitting in the subway.

They had to let her go because the arresting officer died.

It’s 6 a.m.

I’m getting ready to go pick up Julie and take  her to Housing Court.

We’ve got to play this just right.

Sure, our case is strong but we have to leave no stone unturned.

In case the judge is on the old side it’ll be up to me to lure him to decide in our favor.

It is for that reason I’ve decided to show a little skin.

Which is why I’m wearing the sweater with the hole in the shoulder.

I’m still wondering if it would be overkill to put on my peddle pushers. You know how gentlemen love a bit of leg.

Nah, we want him to have it together enough to say “Not guilty, you’re free to go.”

Now if it’s the judge we saw last time, he’s on the south side of 40. It’ll be Julie’s show.

I will tell her to forget the lecture I gave her many years ago about just because a guy wants to feel you up that doesn’t mean you have to let him.

Her reponse then, “Aunt Mattie, I’m only 10” won’t cut it now. She ain’t 10 anymore and a stretch in the slammer won’t do that pretty face any good.

Gotta walk the dog.

We’ll catch up later.

I’ve been thinking about this for awhile. In fact I wrote this a few weeks ago but then my niece became an escaped felon and I put it on the back burner.

Here’s the problem with being a friend of mine .

If you say something stupid I’m going to write about it.

Fortunately, I don’t have that many followers. Unfortunately the ones I have probably know you.

As is happening more often than I’d like, another long time friend of mine and dave’s, died recently. I guess that is bound to happen at my age.

Naturally I was sad to hear this but he really did live his life on his own terms and always did just what he wanted to do.

When another friend called to discuss it with me one of the things we talked about was that dave and his wife would be coming to the memorial. I had heard that there would be no funeral.

When I said that I wouldn’t go, after all dave was way closer to him than I was, my friend responded with;

“This may not be any of my business,”

(Good guess. If you’re saying that you’re almost always right.)

“But I think that you shouldn’t let their presence keep you from going to pay your respects to a long time friend”

“And you think I should do that why?”

“To show them that you’re the bigger person”

The conversation went on in that vein. I had plenty to say about that. The main point being why would I put myself in a painful situation just so those two would admire my ‘gumption’?

Given time to mull over that “bigger person” line I wondered how could he claim to know me and think that that would be a goal of mine?

Even when it looks like I’m taking the high road I’m probably not.

Example:

The other day I was driving my car in unbelievable traffic. I’m not the best driver and since I have a new car I am really careful.

I was on Second Avenue at the cross street of  57th Street. The traffic was so heavy that in order to turn or pass 57th Street you’d have to wait for 2 or even 3 lights to change.

My turn finally came and I slowly turned into 57th Street. The light immediately changed. I was facing east on 57th Street. Still in traffic I pulled up so that I was right next to a man in a car facing west on 57th Street.

He started screaming at me “What the fuck is wrong with you? Could you turn any slower?”

I looked at him and gave him a bright smile.

He went on “Are you sleeping behind the wheel?”

Still smiling I nodded yes.

Now if we examine this I could have responded with a “Fuck you” or simply given him the finger but I didn’t. I smiled which could only be regarded as the high road.

But was it? I left out one little part. When my response to his insults was a smile I thought he would have apoplexy.

My nodding “yes” to his inquiry as to whether I was sleeping made him turn all red. He started jumping in his seat and spitting all over his window.

I drove away feeling comfortable and happy that I had made one more enemy feel worse when he left me than when he encountered me.

I told you, everything I touch turns to gold.

About 6 months ago my niece Julie told me that she got a letter from America (the New York City Court part) stating that her landlord reported that she hadn’t paid her rent.

She not only had paid it but as she was out of checks she got a bank check and gave it to her super as usual.

I won’t go into all the details but since when she got the bank check the money was taken out of her  account she didn’t know that they hadn’t received her rent until she received this letter.

The Super remembered giving the check to the landlord who obviously mislaid it. Julie went to the Landlord, showed him a copy of the check and advised him that she couldn’t cancel and replace the check for 90 days.

He understood and she continued paying her rent each month until the check could be cancelled and the money put back in her account so she could pay that month’s rent.

She never gave it another thought.

Until yesterday when she called and mentioned in conversation that she received another letter from the Court.

“What did it say?”

“I don’t know I didn’t read it.”

“Email it to me”

“You’re scaring me.” (This is a giant no no. No one in the family is allowed to scare her. She hates that. She gets all red and her knees shake.)

“It’ll be fine. Just send it to me”

When I get the letter I see that her failure to answer the first letter gave a win to her landlord and he can now take over the premises, namely Julie’s apartment.

“Remember that first letter you got from the court? What did you do with it?”

“I threw it away. I had settled it with the landlord and I didn’t like looking at it.Why are you asking me this? Am I in trouble? My knees are shaking. FIIIIIX THIS MATTIE”

“Let me call the court. I’ll take care of it.”

And fix it I would. I had visions of Julie, Violet and Dan with those 2 shitting dogs living with me.

I phoned Housing Court and spoke to a court officer. I explained the situation and since Julie had told me that she had back and forth emails with the landlord proving everything she said I was  hoping that he would just vacate the order (a term we learned in court)and that would be the end of it.

This was not to be. It seems that she had to go down there and apply for a date to appear before a judge.

I asked if we could come down next week. (I needed time to break this to her).

“That’s a bad idea. A marshal has already been ordered. I’d get here asap.”

Now let me explain my role in the family. When ever any of my sisters are not readily available my job is to make things better.

That used to be my father’s job and he was great at it. But he died so each of my sister’s were there for their own families and Marcia (Julie’s mom) was also in charge of me until I got married when dave promised to be responsible for me until he wasn’t then Marcia got me back. But my 2 of my sister went and died and Marcia lives upstate so frequently I am the one to fix stuff.

I called Julie who took it like a big girl.

“Whaaaat? I have to go to court? My arms and legs are flying off in different directions.”

“I will pick you up tomorrow morning. We will go to the court and show them your proof and all will be well”

“I won’t have to go before a judge?”

“Maybe not”. I wasn’t exactly lying. I really did hope we could take care of it with one visit once they saw how pretty she was.

The next day bright and early Julie and I drove down to the area where all the courthouses are.

Julie was somewhat calmer. I never did tell her the part about the marshal to avoid having her collapse like a noodle.

She was even cheerful. Now that we were taking care of it she felt better. All these courthouses brought her old boyfriend, the bank robber to mind.

“This is like memory lane. Here’s where he was tried the first time. Oh and that building is where his parole was revoked. Good times.”

I won’t go into all the details but it was a no go on squashing it that day. We had to go down to housing court and sit in the gallery while one person after another came up before the judge.

There were a lot of rules most of which were completely ignored by everyone but me and Jules. Years of playing cards while watching “Judge Judy” when Julie was supposed to be working and I was supposed to, I don’t know, clean or cook or whatever housewives do, prepared us for proper court behavior.

No court officer had to point to us and remind us that silence was the rule of the day while the Judge was on the bench. We texted each other.

“Could that woman’s skirt be any tighter?” You know , court stuff.

Anyway our name was called and a man came up to us and gave Julie a series of papers with her court date and letters to send to the landlord and the marshal.

“Don’t worry” he said kindly “The marshal has been called off.”

Since that was the first time Julie had heard that the marshal had been called on, she looked at me accusingly.

We left and went to pick up the car which was parked in a lot with a very deceiving sign that suggested a special of $9.99 all day with tiny letters underneath saying every half hour.

I paid the $33.00 and off we went to lunch.

“I really learned my lesson. No American letter will ever be ignored by me again”

We both agreed that it was a very interesting morning.

Julie found the housing judge very pro tenant and said she was glad we weren’t there for anything more serious.

Which immediately reminded me that many years ago while we watched the news about this guy killing his wife I made dave promise that if he ever found me wanting that he’d wouldn’t kill me he’d divorce me.

That was one promise he kept.

We sat there patting ourselves on the back for a job well done when I had a sudden thought.

You know the apartment was in Dan’s name. If anyone was going to go to the slammer it was him.

We enjoyed the rest of our meal with the thought that even if this court date goes to shit, we’re home free.

This is what was hanging in my guest bathroom yesterday.

This is what’s hanging there today.

It feels like everything I touch turns to gold.

If I’m driving, I find a place to park right in front of my destination.

I went to a new doctor. She barely looked at me and asked me few questions so no need to lie.

Suge Knight fainted before he could ask me to loan him 25 million to get him out of the slammer.

I’m THIS far away from discovering why eyebrows suddenly start growing crazy after 65 and you know that once I solve it and find a cure the money truck will be permanently parked in front of my house.

The other day by mistake I bought chunky peanut butter instead of smooth and guess what? I like it better.

Hey, seems like a good time to give myself a haircut.

Except for the back what could go wrong?

You know how when you get nervous you start saying nutty things?

I just realized that maybe that’s only me.

Lew dying did something to me in addition to making me sad. It made me decide to go to the doctor.

To most people that’s something they just do but not me. I am terrified of going to the doctor. Mainly because I’m scared of being scared.

It isn’t dying I’m afraid of. It’s being told that I’m dying.

I do my best to protect myself from that by either not going for check ups or lying when I do go.

I feel if the doctor is worth his salt he’ll be able to tell what’s wrong with me me without my help.

Anyway after Lew died I called my doctor. A really nice man that didn’t ask too many questions and I loved his nurse. Unfortunately he no longer takes my insurance so I had to search out someone else who does.

I decided to go with a woman this time. I’ve never been to a woman doctor. I was afraid I’d become a lesbian but at my age any port in the storm.

And although my natural urge was to go to a Jewish woman I decided that I’d best choose someone from a poor country who’d find someone a bit overweight as a positive sign of health.

I chose a Dr. Lee.

Now onto the crazy part.

I called her office which is right down the block from my house and made an appointment for this morning.

But before actually confirming it I let them know what they’re in for.

I explained that I’m really nervous about going to doctors. “Is she nice?’ I asked.

“Really nice. We’ll take good care of you”.

I felt a little better but here’s where the nuttiness comes in.

Just as I was hanging up I looked for reassurance. “So everyone will be nice to me?”

“Yes they will”

And then here it comes. “And no one will make fun of me?”

“Huh? Make fun of you? Of course not.”

I have no idea why I said it or what it meant. But immediately the woman’s voice went from reassuring to frightened.

That’s when I wished dave were there. He would have grabbed the phone from me and told them I was only joking. After all his job was to rebuild all the bridges I burned.

But he wasn’t there. It was only me meekly saying “Well see you Monday” and hanging up.

Anyway I’m expected there in 20 minutes so I have to go. I’m cringing at the thought of introducing myself but I have on my diamonds, took a mental patient pill and I combed my hair neat.

I’ll let you know how it goes.