First let me give you a sense of my audience not counting the people in my building particularly in the apartments above me.

So you see I’m bringing joy to a tremendous number of people.

I decided to give everyone a second chance, (can a Jew be made a saint? Look that up.) and begin with the bird calls again.

Which I may add is no mean feat holding a microphone in one hand and an open umbrella in the other (Cup O’Noodles) but I gave it a go.

In these terrible times when it comes to entertaining the homebound (Think Bob Hope in wartime) one must put one’s ego aside and fight on.

Look I know we don’t see a lot of rare birds on 58th street so I’ll give them that but when I start with cock a doodle do and some jerk from 59th street, I’m thinking the 11th floor shouts out “Duck” well that’s simply yards away from country bumpkin.

I moved on with my impressions. I started with Ralph Bellamy. At first , nothing. So I’m thinking “Maybe I should do someone that the kids can appreciate so I moved on with Soupy Sales (who a friend who went to bed with him said had webbed feet.).

Nothing.

Only when I decided to up my repertoire with some musical impressions.

About a stanza into Debby Boone’s “You Light Up My Life” I received rousing applause from the Window Treatment office in the D&D building.

Of course since the D&D building is closed I’m fairly sure the guy was robbing it but an audience is and audience.

Even crooks need cheering up in these uncertain times.

Now something for your memory books when Superintendents still fixed the sinks in your apartment.

Stay safe all.

New York City may be known for many things but gratitude and good taste aren’t two of them.

In my desire to lift up the spirits of my little corner of the world I decided to share my gifts to those house bound and hungering for entertainment.

I began as promised with my bird calls asking my neighbors from my and the surrounding buildings to shout out their guesses as to which bird I was ,very accurately if I may say so, trilling.

Well maybe you know a bird called “shut the fuck up” however I, a bird aficionado, do not.

But I wasn’t going to let the whole neighborhood suffer for one or maybe six miscreants so I continued.

I was barely into an almost perfect Wayne Newton when the bitch from 19G threw a Cup O’ Noodles on me.

Needless to say I decided to leave the tap dancing for another day.

I’m thinking for my next show I’ll lead with the dance. You know ease into the verbal entertainment.

And keep it under your hat but I’ve been working on something new. Something that will delight even those who are out of range of my microphone.

I’ve been practicing mime in front of my mirror.

I don’t want to blow my own horn but I swear you’d think I was actually IN an invisible box.

And now for your moment of zen.

Well Good news.

I found the microphone.

I plugged it in to make sure it worked. I believe I used the word “testing” twice.

Now to plan my performance.

This is new for me. I’ve always done the behind the scenes stuff. This is the first time I’ll be “Talent”.

I’ve got to fight my natural modesty and be honest.

Yes I’m an excellent tap dancer.

True my bird calls are beyond anything you can imagine.

But I also have a talent that I haven’t shown to the public. Well except for family bar mitzvahs,  weddings or an occasional seder.

I do impressions. Here’s one.

“Stella! Hey Stella”

That one leaves them in the aisles. I do it and all heads turn looking for….you guess it… Ray Milland.

Anyway it looks like this thing is gonna last for a while so I have time to really polish the act.

who am I kidding, It’s polished.

I’m gonna go out on my terrace later on today and give ’em a little taste of  what they have to look forward to for the rest of this tragedy.

I think I’ll start with a few bird calls and let people shout through their windows what bird they think it is. Same with the impressions.

I’ll wind it up with a little tap.

My terrace is on the 18th floor with lots of building around it so I should be bringing joy to a great many people.

We must all pull together in this terrible time and do what we can.

Now a lovely photo of Debby getting her first bath in a year.

You all know me as a giver.

Well this tragedy that we are living through has only increased that in me.

People are getting tired of watching TV and polishing their nails.

They are pining for live entertainment.

It is for that reason I have decided to one up our talented friends in Italy and expand my “Terrace Extravaganza” from simply tap dancing to …. well you’ll have to see.

I am going to spend today going through that closet in my den where there is still some of the shit dave left.

I’m pretty sure there’s a microphone in there.

Stay tuned.

I will close today’s message with a nice picture of the Debster.

You learn a lot about yourself when you’re locked in your house with no company except a very attractive dog.

For example one thing I found that I’m not is gregarious.

I don’t mind being home alone at all. As most of you know I am constantly cracking myself up.

It’s like living with Henny Youngman.

And trading one husband for a series of dogs and one cat (may he rest in peace) has turned into a plus.

I don’t have to “look busy”.

Debby thinks that lying like a lox and watching TV is not only not a “waste of time”, it’s perfecto!  Just what we were born to do.

I can keep my house at the temperature I like because I’m not a skinny pussy that’s “always cold” and needs the heat on high.

Of course there are some drawbacks about living alone. My family worries about me.

The other day I even had to to jump off the toilet to answer the phone because if I don’t they’ll think I’m dead.

However I’ve become mucho creative.

I devised my own game of “Where’s Waldo”.

Go ahead. See of you can find her.

While I still can.

After all I’m 76 and have one foot in the grave and another on a banana peel.

I’m being careful though.

I only go out once a day to walk my dog.

While I’m walking I scream at all the workmen I pass “Don’t be kissing me?”

Sure they have puzzled looks on their faces now but pretty soon old people will be like pedal pushers. They’ll be very rare and a delight to come upon.

I’m just jumping ahead of the curve.

Who knows when I’ll see anyone in my family.

I tried face time with Julie the other day but if you’re not used to it it isn’t a comfortable experienced.

We just looked at each other trying to think of something momentous to say.

I did learn one thing. If I do it again I’m going to comb my hair.

I will end this with a lovely picture of my doorman (who’s no longer allowed to touch or look at me) in better days with Debby dressed to the nines.

Nah it isn’t really but it did get your attention.

Although life is certainly different.

I’m doing what I can to get us through this. It isn’t easy with Bravo not recording any new episodes etc.

After watching that opera singer in Italy singing on his balcony to raves and applause and hearing my friend Claudia Glaser Mussen, who’s the best singer I know and I know Paul Simon, state that she’s going to sing on her balcony to entertain the neighbors I realized it was my civic duty to give back.

I’ve been tap dancing on my terrace for the last half hour. You’re welcome 58th Street.

As another good will thing I encouraged people in these down times to read my blog from the beginning.

That may seem self serving but as you know no one cracks me up like me so in my mind it’s an act of charity.

Yep I’ve always been a giver. In fact just to cheer everyone up in these trying times I tried to take a picture of Debby wearing glasses but that didn’t work out.

So here she is just waking up and asking me where I get the nerve to try that shit with her.

That’s all I have for you today.

tap tap tappity tap.

Yes David has moved back to the northeast.

We had a lovely dinner the other night.

He’s completely changed for the better.

Just kidding. He’s the same right wing piece of shit he always was.

He spent the first part of the meal complaining that he couldn’t bring his handguns back from Texas for 2 reasons.

1. They’re a bit touchy here about  being armed in the supermarket here and,
2. His guns were stolen in Texas.

He said if he had been home when the robber came in he’d have “shot’im dead”. And the cop who took his statement made it clear that he would have had no choice but to do just that.

The rest of the meal was spent with him regaling me with stories about the women that he’d “charmed” into bed and his disappointment in the dames that are hanging around in the bars in Connecticut. That’s where he  lives now but he’s moving to Manhattan as soon as his present lease is up. I guess because that’s where all the sluts live.

He still lets racial and religious slurs flop from his mouth on occasion but there is one thing that saves him

He didn’t vote for donald trump and he will vote for any Democrat that runs in 2020.

Yesterday Julie and I visited our cousin Barbara.

She’s really sad because her husband of a thousand years passed away recently.

Aside from being a great guy, a great husband, father, grandfather etc he was a really big deal.

I think you should look at this article from the Hollywood Reporter to see just how big a deal he was:

https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/philip-gips-designer-posters-alien-rosemarys-baby-downhill-racer-was-88-1245558

As any of you who have followed me here or on Facebook notice, I haven’t mentioned Phil until his passing.

I have however talked about my cousin Barbara who wrote the now iconic phrase, “In space no one can hear you scream”  incessantly.  Sometimes praising her and sometimes taking credit for her genius.

Here is the poster designed by Phil with Barbara’s immortal words on it

For example I think she mentioned to me that she had written a phrase for the movie “Alien” that went  “In space it’s really quiet. Like no noise.”

I’m pretty sure I answered “Yeah, in space no one even can hear you scream”.

It went something like that I think.

Now if you looked at that Hollywood Reporter thing, (and I hope you did because you ain’t paying for this so if I ask you to do something you really should ) and if you’re wondering why I didn’t mention Phil more than I did it’s simply this.

Phil, though very much loved and made me laugh a million times. He once said that he had a walk in closet if you didn’t mind standing on shoes and getting hit in the head with hangers, he was not related to me by blood. Ergo he couldn’t give me a kidney.

My cousin Barbara, on the other hand, has offered me body parts many times through the years.

Hence I keep her in the loop.

I have to say that even though her health isn’t what it was and she’s really sad about losing Phil she is still one of the lucky ones.

She has loads of devoted children, grandchildren and a wonderful sister and nieces and nephews and cousins who adore her.

It was so great seeing her yesterday. She loves to laugh and we have so many people in common that we can trash together.

Oh I forgot to discuss with her our mother’s friend Dora who got caught stealing a can of tuna from Shopwell.

Next time.

To the shame and amusement of my family and friends I never miss a Bravo show.

They laughed on the other sides of their faces when Julie wrote her book on celebrity and she had to come to me for a description of some of the seamier reality shows so she could include them.

Well I’m watching something now that has left me without breath.  It’s Ken Burns’ epic on country music.

So much of it is important. A million thoughts are going through my head and in no particular order I’ll tell you some of them.

I have been following Rosanne Cash on Twitter. I’m even not talking about her music, I so love the things she cares about.

I’ve been a Johnny Cash fan for almost ever. I learned something so great about him in this series.

He was a man of conscience.  He hated the way Native Americans and other downtrodden groups were treated and worked hard to fight this.

He would be so proud of his daughter.

He loved all kinds of music. He and Bob Dylan were friends. To say I love Dylan would be an understatement but when he was included  in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame I thought it was ridiculous.

Seeing him included in this documentary makes so much more sense.

I’m at the period of 1968 to 1972 which is bringing to mind the Viet Nam war and the disparagement between my generation and the generation in power.

I couldn’t help but remember the feelings of togetherness at being surrounded by so many like minded people in Bryant Park.

Or the terror of standing with a huge line of policemen on horseback facing me in Central Park.   It was right after Kent State and any security of knowing I was on “God’s side” was crushed by the memory of that.

It brings to mind Greta Thunberg’s activism and the others who are demanding control of our planet and our guns..

Once again the youth is here to bring sanity to what is insane.  The millions of young people showing up to demonstrate that they will pick up the banners that we’ve dropped.

All I can say is thank you.