I’ve totally forgiven Ray for running away for 2 reasons.

1. I can’t look at him without being filled with love.

2. When I asked George, the guy who found him in the staircase, what he was doing when he came upon him he said “He was just sitting there”.

I don’t think 12 is that old but he does seem a bit spaced out sometimes. We go for a walk and he stops dead for long periods of time and just stands there which is why I always bring a book with me.

Not that different from me. I go into a room to get something and when I get there I have no idea what I came for.

It’s kind of nice to know that we can talk about how nutty we’re getting to each other.

Although I have forgiven Ray I am still mad at David because he’s

1. Not cute

2. A fucking prick shit and is a stupid rat crap head.

Maybe I should explain.

We went out to dinner last night. We were sitting at an outdoor table and because the service was so lousy we had plenty of time to watch the world going by.

Early in our meal I noticed 2 young men walking together laughing and talking. They were either in their late teens or early twenties. One was white the other was african american.

We finished our meal and as we were paying the bill I saw something that broke my heart.

The two boys had returned from where ever they went. The white kid was standing in the street hailing a cab and the african american kid was  standing behind the side of the building where he couldn’t be seen.

When the cab stopped the white kid got in and held the door and the african american kid came out from behind the building and got in next to him very quickly.

I told David what I had seen. It made me so sad.

His response “Bullshit”.

“What’s bullshit? That I didn’t see what I saw or that I’m coming to the wrong conclusion about what I saw?”

“Both”

“I’m lying?”

“You’re always putting your liberal spin on everything. No cabdriver would have refused to pick up those kids.”

This from a guy who in trying to convince me that he isn’t antisemitic keeps bringing up the same jewish friend he knew 20 years ago. He probably doesn’t know him now because he turned him in to the nazis.

“First of all, I don’t think that’s true. Second, it’s irrelevant. Clearly they thought they had a better chance of getting a cab this way.”

Our argument deteriorated into him sneering and mimicking me and me suggesting that his father was gay which is why he never saw him with any woman  other than his mother.

When we got home I slammed the door in his stupid face in an attempt to drown out his derisive laughter.

Which is why I am asking all of you, especially you stupid David, to read the following.

http://www.thedenverchannel.com/decodedc/mr-president-on-behalf-of-an-ungrateful-nation-thank-you

Well that’s about it. I have to call David to see what time he wants to go to Costco.

Well I’ve calmed down somewhat after yesterday’s trauma.

I’m still giving Ray the cold shoulder even though I did tell the doorman he could resume saying  “Hey Ray” when we go out. Yesterday no one was allowed to speak to him at all. You do the crime, you do the time.

As you know Julie is in Paris so I went to pick up Violet at writing camp yesterday and we had dinner together.

She’s not like any kid I’ve ever known. When she got in the car, before she put on her headphones to tune me out, I asked her what they were writing about in the class.

It seems that the girls were mostly writing romantic stuff and the boys were writing about space ships and zombies. Her story took place in an insane asylum but funny.

She really is Julie’s kid.

I’m glad to know that I’ve been able to put my own stamp on her though.

Over dinner she told me that there is a girl in her class that is “so fucking annoying”.

I was proud. She combined an air of superiority with a nice curse word. Not bad for an almost 12 year old young lady.

I just know Julie will be grateful.

Maybe I should open up some kind of finishing school. I could use the coins.

I haven’t written for awhile because every time I sit down to do it something happens in the world that seems more important than whatever I was going to say.

For example, Liz has been home for a few weeks and the other night I had a dinner party with Steph and Terry and Liz and David.

David was his usual pain. Since he insists that I’m the worst cook in the world (whenever he eats at my house he brings his own food), he wanted to know exactly what I was making. Only Liz’s threats kept him from bringing his own BLT with him.

As always Liz was wonderful, Steph was Steph and my sweet Terry brought me a watering system for my newly fixed up terrace.

I was going to write loads of clever things said over our (superb) meal but then Justin Bieber put his tushy on instagram and Ben and Jen broke up.

Like anyone cares what I have to say after that.

STOP THE PRESSES

I just had a trauma.

When Liz is in town we usually leave our doors open. It used to be so Rupert could walk back and forth and now for Ray to do it.

I had just cleaned my kitchen from my dinner two nights ago and was rewarding myself by watching “The Real Housewives of NY”.

Ray was over with Liz.

I knew that when she left she would put him in my house and close my door.

I am planning on picking up Violet in about an hour.

I walked into my living room and noticed my door was closed so I thought I’d tell Ray that he could come with me to pick up the kid.

Unfortunately he was nowhere to be found.

I looked everywhere. I even went to Liz’s house to see if she had left him there by mistake.

No Ray.

I know I’ve been critical of Ray of late what with him liking everyone better than me but I was by no means through with him.

I was looking everywhere. I was in a panic. I knew that even if I didn’t find him I couldn’t be late to pick up Violet.

Then I noticed the fire stairs were open and one of the workers, George, in my building heard me calling. He ran down the stairs looking for my dog.

I’ll cut to the chase. He was on the 12th floor. I live on 18.

Did I give him a stern talking to? You bet I did, especially when George got in the elevator and Ray followed him (that dog doesn’t give one shit about me)

Did I take away his hall privileges? You know it.

Did I kiss him and kiss him?

Maybe.

I have a very nice apartment.

I’ve been living here since 1976.

I never was really “house proud” but I think since dave left I’ve taken that casualness to a new low. My apartment needs painting. The ceilings in almost every room have at least a little spot that’s peeling and my dining room chairs need to be recaned badly.

Mostly only people I know well or are related to come to visit but I am having kind of strangers over in a few weeks.

I guess I could fix some of this stuff, like my chairs, but that would cost money. I have money but I’d rather spend it on other things. Things that make me happy. Fixing my chairs wouldn’t make me happy. It would just be the absence of noticing that they need fixing which only bothers me when new people come over.

And painting the place would probably mean that I have to do some preparation. I wouldn’t like that at all. And the walls look okay, it’s just the ceilings. And who looks up when they’re in someone’s house? I’ll tell you who. Nuts.

I was thinking of putting post it notes on the chairs and the peeling places saying that I CAN fix these things I just choose not to but when I mentioned that to Julie she told me that it was a crazy idea and I shouldn’t do it.

I don’t know why not. Isn’t it kind of a free speech thing?

Anyway she’s not the boss of me.

Well it’s July 4th and since he, like me, considers July 4th the gift giving holiday to end all gift giving holidays,  Captain Hugh phoned me.

Whenever he calls I never let him ask for money because I don’t want to make him uncomfortable. I always say “Do you mind if I send you something, Captain?”

He obviously appreciates that because today he commended me for being  “a white person that cares about him sometimes more than his own people”.

I guess he’s right. I am white and I do care for him but as I only talk to him 7 or 8 times a year and he lives with his niece 24/7 maybe he ought to keep the complaining to a minimum.

Since I’ve been back from Santa Fe I can’t seem to get myself moving. I came back on Sunday and only unpacked yesterday.

Plus I have a bone to pick with Raymond. Considering the fact that I saved him from the hot seat you’d think he’d like me a little more.

The woman down the hall had a cocktail party. I hate chatting with people I don’t know so I went a little late at around 6 but Ray went at 4-4:30 and didn’t leave until I carried him out at around 8.

This is the woman who when I was minding her cat I broke an ashtray and she didn’t speak to me for 5 years.
I might have stayed until 9 but I dropped a drink on her floor so I figured that was my cue to skedaddle.

The next day he went over to Liz and David’s house and even when they put him out and closed the door behind him he sat in front of their apartment until I carried him home.

I think it’s only a matter of time before the little fucker finds an Akita and moves to Japan.

I”m back from Santa Fe.

In spite of David’s dire warnings, “Those fancy women will hate you.” and ” You can’t pack cupcakes in your suitcase” I was totally prepared.

I even contacted Yahoo Travel to let them know that I was going to another land and asking them  if  they wanted me to write about it. They seemed interested.

In order to make sure that I had all my ducks in a row I wrote to Lizzie and asked  her to send me a list of some of the sights of Santa Fe so that the big bosses from Yahoo could choose which ones they’d like me to visit.

She wrote back:

Thursday from 5-7pm, Santa Fe Ladies Happy Hour Social Club (don’t name names, 
or you’ll never eat lunch in this town again).

Other activities:

Santa Fe Rodeo - very big in town!  June 24-27
Start with a guided tour around Santa Fe in the back of a pick-up truck.  Return
to favorite locations for in-depth study.
Frito Pies at the Five & Dime - Anthony Bourdain said the Pie felt like a sack
of warm shit—although incredibly delicious.  Pick up a $2.50 pink cowboy hat
while we’re there (to wear to the rodeo).
Dine at La Choza Restaurant - scene of Sam Shepard’s recent DUI - bum rap: he
was over served and then they called the cops from the parking lot.
Mushroom hunting - fresh porcini in the woods of the Santa Fe Ski Basin.  First,
a lesson in identifying a porcini, and leaving the poisonous ones alone—they
really do look the same.
Weekly flea markets and yard sales—everybody’s junk is just passed from house to
house, it never leaves town.  Same with the dogs.
Visit to the Upaya Zen Center—I’ll give you $20 if you can sit still for five
minutes.
Ride in the Uber car in Santa Fe—I heard recently that there is only one.
(Don’t know if it’s true or not.)
Find resident writer George R. R. Martin and ask him when his next “Game of
Thrones” book is coming out.  In fact, tell him to go home and write.  He hates
that.
Loiter around the yoga classes and wait for Ali MacGraw to emerge.
Hang around Kaune’s Neighborhood Market and wait for Jane Fonda and her little
fluffy white dog to show up.  It can happen because I’ve seen them there.

Will think of a few more things before you get here.

xo

Doesn’t all that sound like fun? I was wondering how I’d fit it all in.

As I mentioned in previous posts my niece Stephanie and her husband were taking a
motorcycle trip in the area and Liz was kind enough to offer to have them stay at her house with us. They could hike and cycle and Liz would take me around so that I could fulfill my writing obligations (did I tell you that I’m an award winning writer?)and we’d all meet for lunch and/or dinner.
The weekend was jam packed with plans.

Here’s how it went.

Liz picked me up at the airport and we went to have cocktails with the ladies. I can’t tell you any of their names or write anything about them individually because Liz threatened me.

David assured me that I would be hated by all of them and I’d have nothing to say to them. I have to admit that I was nervous. I even wore a bra.

I was pleasantly surprised. They were warm and friendly, not New York friendly, no one asked what my earrings cost, but really nice.

There was one thing though, and I ain’t lyin’ because they’ll never see this. They were all beautiful and really put together which is one reason why I never want to see any of them again.

So David was wrong about one thing.

He was also wrong about not being able to pack cupcakes in your suitcase. They arrived in perfect condition.

Not long after we got to Liz’ house Steph and Terry arrived and here’s where it all went to shit.

Whatever plans I had to pull a Hemingway went the way of the miles and miles of mountain views and lavender plants that were in bloom everywhere.

We did go out to lunch and when Liz drove Terry to the Harley Davidson store, Steph and I went shopping and in my state of happiness I bought a beige shirt. Did you hear that people? It wasn’t black.

Other than that here’s what we did;

Terry, Steph and Lizzie

me

Liz and Steph discussing the fall of Rome or where we’d go for lunch

Liz and Oz

Those pictures were taken  in the morning. Replace those cups with cocktails and that’s how we spent most of the weekend.

That is until we heard about the Supreme Courts ruling on Obamacare and Country wide marriage for everyone.

Then we went into the Plaza to join in the festive feeling that was all over Santa Fe and I’d like to think the rest of the United States. It made me proud to be an American.

And of course my very good friend and possible second husband, Mr New Mexico

It really was such a happy lovely communal time.

Back at the house we got ready to go home. I took a last picture of me and Liz (not really last, she’ll be in NYC on Tuesday)

And after a drugged plane ride home I was welcomed by the love of my life.

Wait Yahoo I’m sure I’ll do better on my next trip.

People over estimate the value of their possessions.

I was in the lobby when my down the hall neighbor asked me if I wanted to buy furniture or other items since she’s moving to another land. I know one of the items was a vacuum because she said it three times.

I wasn’t interested until she mentioned that she had terrace furniture.

Since my nephew Terry fixed up my terrace I’ve become terrace proud and told her I’d come and see it. I figured her back is against the wall and I ought to pick up something nice for about twenty bucks. Sweet huh?

She did have a small settee that had metal arms, a pleasure on a hot summer day and cushions that looked like when she wasn’t using them she kept them up her ass.

She was asking $500.00 for it. When she saw my mouth drop, subtlety thy name ain’t Mattie, she said “It’s a designer item”

This brought to mind when dave and I were apartment hunting just after we were married.

In about the tenth place we looked we were greeted by an unpleasant woman who showed us around this nightmare of an apartment. It was dark and depressing and had a black kitchen, well not totally black, the floor had gold specks in it.

She advised us that if we wanted to move there we’d have to give her the amount she spent to renovate the kitchen in addition to the window treatments.

I guess I was tired because I assured her that if we decided on moving in, money would in fact change hands but in the other direction to pay for getting all that shit out of there.

She threw us out.

dave and I had a big fight because after we left he called and apologized for me.

When I looked at my neighbor’s settee I thought about dave’s argument “What’s the point of saying that? Why do you have to burn your bridges? What if we decide we want that place?”

“It’s lovely. I’ll give it some thought”. She doesn’t have to be told that designer crap is still crap. She should be told but she doesn’t have to be told.

I’m leaving tomorrow for Santa Fe.

You will be surprised to know that even though I am a prize winning travel writer (ahem) I am terrified to fly. I’m shaking in my boots right now.

That’s one thing that’s giving me the screaming meamies.

Another is that I am leaving Ray.

I believe I’ve covered him very well though.

My nephew Scott is staying here. This is a wonderful choice. Whenever Scott minds Ray he sends me a picture of my dog having fun.

Unfortunately Scott has to work on Thursday and Friday.

But listen to this! Julie’s boyfriend and major hunk works near me and he’s coming over and eating his lunch with Ray and playing with him and walking him on those days.

(I’ll see that Julie does something extra special for him for that)

As for the weekend, I’ve bought 3 kinds of vodka so I’m hoping Scott will be too drunk to leave the house.

And to fill in and just help out I’ve asked David to  look in on Ray especially after Scott leaves on Sunday because I won’t be home until midnight.

I’m sure he will. This morning I walked blocks and blocks in the heat to buy him olives that are stuffed with bleu cheese.

I put them on his dining room table with a thoughtful note:

David

Here are the olives you love. If this isn’t enough for you to look in on Ray then you are a cocksucking fucker.

Love, 18A

The other day I was minding my own business and feeling all excited to be getting ready to visit Liz in Santa Fe. Even though it was a week away  I was beginning to select some cute outfits to pack.

Should I take the black or would the black be more appropriate?

My happiness was knocked for a loop when I got my mail and saw a letter from the IRS.

I don’t know about you guys but this kind of thing terrifies me. The IRS never writes to tell me I looked good the other day.

I opened it expecting to find a drawing of a noose inside (When I was single my father sent me $100 a month towards my rent and each month he inserted a drawing of a noose or a heart with a knife in it and blood dripping down or some kind of blood sucker. He was generous but snarky. I wish I had saved all those notes. I guess it being Father’s Day made me think of it.)

Back to my tragedy.

This year I had to pay estimated taxes, which I did. One check to the Feds and one to the State of New York.

The letter said that the check they received was addressed to the State and they were forwarding it to them.

I immediately looked at my bank statement and was relieved to see that though the State check hadn’t been cashed yet the Federal check had.

I’ll cut to the chase. When I called the Feds they had no record of the Federal check having been received.

It was clear that when my man Obama erroneously got the state of new york check, not being a fucking crook prick he forwarded it to the correct recipient.

When nys got a check NOT ADDRESSED TO THEM THEY DEPOSITED IT IN THEIR OWN ACCOUNT.

You may note that I have put new york state in that same category as someone else who let me down. NO CAPITAL LETTERS FOR THEM!

No sooner had the guy from the IRS given me that information when I started sobbing. “I was being so careful. I checked the addresses over and over and then I put the checks in the wrong envelope”

“That can happen. It’s not serious. It’ll be fine” the poor guy was trying to think of something to make me stop crying, which I eventually did.

Yadda yadda yadda,I called my accountant who said there’s nothing I can do except pay the Feds again and wait until an eternity to get the overpayment back from the state of new shitbomb.

Now why am I telling you this? Because you give the state a finger and they take an arm.

It is for that reason I wish to eliminate states rights and make our government some kind of King or Queen thing.

That way all the states have to be the same. If the King/Queen says anyone can get married. It becomes law. Of course there are people that will fight it like that politician who says he’ll set himself on fire if gays get married which is reason enough to pass the law.

Also no guns. If you have a gun you get bitch slapped in front of your friends.

I know there are some wrinkles I’ll have to iron out but I’m committed.

And get that confederate flag down. The King thinks it’s stupid.

I’m preparing to go to Santa Fe to visit Lizzie in 2 weeks.

Stephanie and Terry are meeting me there and we’re all staying at Liz’s house.

They paid for my plane fare and though Terry was very gracious about it, Steph let it be known that I just may be treated like a second class citizen, middle seat on the plane etc.

It doesn’t really matter though because I’m so afraid to fly that I’ll be doped up and I won’t care where I’m sitting.

Yesterday David and I took Liz to the airport. She was returning to Santa Fe after spending a week taking a painting class at a villa in Rome.

We were chatting about my coming visit.

David told me that Liz’s friends are really rich and fancy and they’ll all hate me.

He suggested that I don’t ask any personal questions like “What’d that dress set you back?” or “How many of you ladies shave your pussy?”

Instead of saying  “That’s ridiculous, they’ll love her” Liz’s response was “I’m sure Mattie won’t say anything like that.”

I have to admit I was a little hurt but that got me thinking. I wonder if Liz is afraid that I’ll be, I don’t know, too “New York” for the Santa fe crowd?

To explain what I mean by that, a few years ago I was on Park Avenue walking Liz’s and I like to think “my” dog Rupert in his carriage and and a well dressed woman stopped me and asked if she could pet him. We chatted a minute and as I was wheeling him away she smiled and said “He is so fucking cute”.

I realized that only in New York would that be said with no raised eyebrows.

Liz has nothing to worry about. I’ve already worked out how I’m going to behave. I’ll make her proud.

When I’m introduced I’ll say “Charmed, I’m sure” and if it’s a man I’ll put out my hand for kissing (they like that).

I’ll also use the word “shant” a lot.

I think it was Emily Post who said that you shouldn’t announce when you have to go to the bathroom although that sounds odd to me.

I think it’s much more polite to say “Scusi, I gotta drop a deuce” than to just disappear in the middle of a conversation but “When in Rome…”

See how I used continental expressions? It’s 2 weeks away and I’m already getting into it.

I wonder if those people have high tea?

I’m not much of a tea drinker but I’ll certainly join in and since I find that in the last few years when I eat something flaky I tend to get it all over my shirt (and don’t ask about anything with a sauce) I’ll just tuck my napkin in my collar so after the meal I’m neat as a pin.

I do know that they stick their pinkies out when they are partaking  Hear that, ‘partaking’?

Yep my Liz won’t have anything to be embarrassed about on my account.

And as long as I pack plenty of Beano I’m good to go.

I don’t know if this warrants a blog post but I believe I was put on this earth to teach and to learn. Or the reverse of that.

I was watching “Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee” and Julia Louis Dreyfus repeated something that  her mother said which was “You always have to look forward to something”.

It can be, and usually is, something small. I love this idea.

For example I’m looking forward to going out to dinner with Susan, Allan and David tonight.

And after that I’m looking forward to my nephew fixing up my terrace.

Then on Sunday  “The Real Housewives” (that’s when there are a lot of them)

Then going to visit Lizzie in Santa Fe.

I WROTE THIS YESTERDAY but I realized that it was too boring to consider a post so I left it.

I believe I am able to finish it today.

Let me start with the email I got from David this morning.

“Quite a night! Do you have any clear recollection?”

I had no  idea what he was talking about. Let me think back.

Everyone was invited to my apartment for cocktails.

Susan begged me not to put out any snacks because she wants to save her appetite for dinner.

I’m no fool though. When you go to her house she has a spread like no one’s business and it’s always labor intensive. You feel like eating a turnip shaped like a camel?  No problem she’s got it.

She thinks I’m going to throw down a bag of fritos and call it a day? No Ma’am.

I go right to Whole Foods and purchase a symphony of treats.

I tidy up the house, lay out my spread and await my guests.

David is the first to arrive.

We each have a cocktail. I’m thinking vodka because it puts me in a party mood and my party mood is perfection. Ask anyone.

Due to traffic, Sue and Al arrive about an hour later, still an hour before our reservation.

Sue arrives with a bottle of fancy wine. If I had listened to her about not fussing I would have looked like a real shit. Luckily I outsmarted her.

Drinks all around. We’re all talking and having a lovely time until it’s time to go to the restaurant. I am in full party mood.

One of the reasons that David and I can go out to eat together comfortably is that we always split the bill. I will admit that if he orders a bottle of wine he always pays for it because I say I only want a glass. I do end up drinking more than that but only because it’s there and he doesn’t seem to mind.

We get to the restaurant and I immediately ask the waiter to give Sue and Al one check and David and I another.

“Can’t be done” which became his mantra for the evening.

The guy was clearly annoyed with any question we asked. If I had had any feeling left in my body I would have given him a piece of my mind but I could see that David was seething after the guy said no to almost anything we wanted.

I wasn’t going to let him ruin our time.

The conversation was flowing. At one point David was trying to poke holes in my assertion that though some things are not my business, other things fall under the category of NOT not my business.

For example, his sex life is not my business but where he got his suit, though not truly my business, is also not NOT my business.

It was then that I realized that just because something isn’t my business, there is nothing wrong with a friend asking a personal question just for curiosity’s sake. The other person is free not to answer.

As for me, my life is an open book. Ask me a question and I’ll probably give you an answer. Especially in my “party mood”.

So I asked David and Allan what I guess is a personal question. Now how do I put this less offensively?

Okay here goes, if in their sexual repertoire, they include fellatio (that wasn’t the term I used but I’m trying to be scientific rather than prurient)

Man you’d think I asked them how much money they have in the bank.

David let it be known that I don’t know proper dinner time conversation while my good friend of almost 40 years, Susan was laughing and Al just shrugged it off and kept eating.

I think it’s a WASP thing that you can’t even ask a simple question.

“No one says you have to answer, geeez.”

“I don’t get any complaints”

“Of course you wouldn’t if you don’t do it. The only way you’d get complaints is if did it and you bit her. And anyway don’t be jumping all over me just because I was trying to take your minds off the shitty service.”

I do have a vague recollection of asking the waiter for the check while mumbling “you fucker” under my breath. I think it was under my breath.

For some reason Allan said that he would go get his car to drive us home even though the restaurant was only a block or two from my house.

David thought that was a good idea.

Any evening that ends with me and Susan hugging each other outside my building and saying how much we love each other is a raging success in my book.

For the first time in all the years I’ve known him, David waited to see if I could get my key in the door before he turned to his apartment.

So as I was saying yesterday, you have to look forward to things and this dinner with my friends delivered.