109. Do you think it’s tacky to use your tongue when you give your super a thank you kiss? I hope not.

So I tried to pick up the carpet. I removed about 1 square foot and  thought I blew a gut.

I finally went down and asked my super if he could get someone to pick it up for me. I said I’d give them $50. Then I got to thinking. That’s really not enough.

I went back downstairs and told him that I thought $100 would be fairer.

He said he’d do it with one of the doormen after work.

They came up and pulled up the carpet, pulled out the staples and nails, pulled away dave’s piano and giant computer and synthesizer desk, cleaned the floor, went though all the thousands of wires, many of which were connected to nothing, and removed some and organized those that were left.

They tied it up and took it all with them.

At the elevator I explained that I knew that this wasn’t enough money but I appreciated it more than I could say.


They said just a hug and a kiss on the cheek is the only payment they would accept.

I felt like crying.

108 Plotz. def: Jewish version of the “vapors”

When you hear what my plans are for today you will plotz.

I am going to try to pick up the carpeting in the guest bedroom (dave’s ex office) BY MYSELF and then replace it with an area rug.

I’ll give it a try now. Be back in a minute.

Oy.(I just turned into my mother).

I pulled a little piece up and there are wooden strips all around the wall. WITH NAILS STICKING UP.

In order to do this job correctly I have to list the pros and cons..


1. I’m 67. I’ll be 68 in January (no presents please)

2. There is a piano and a huge desk in there. I will have to cut around them and leave the carpeting under it.

3. The floor must be cooty-eyed underneath the carpet so I’ll have to clean it before putting down the area rug.

4. I’m thinkin’ that the carpet must be pretty heavy. I wonder if I can drag it out. (see #1)


1. I have moxie


I’m off to Home Depot to get a carpet slicer or whatever you call it.

107. How much is the lipstick? A bit of pride? Sold!

I went to Bloomingdales the day before yesterday to buy some make up with a gift card I had.

The salesgirl was trying to talk me into buying this very expensive moisturizer. I kept saying no but she didn’t really want to take no for an answer.

She proceeded to tell me all the reasons why it was imperative that I make this purchase. From crappy pores to wrinkles that won’t quit. I’ve always felt that the women in make up departments train in Auschwitz and go right to Saks.

Finally I said that since my husband had left me after 36 years I simply couldn’t afford it. And I burst into tears.

The lady from Clinique wrapped her arms around me and held me for about 3 minutes.

She threw a bunch of free samples in my bag and I went on my way.

I think I’ll hit Bergdorf’s next

106 Up down up up down up up up up down……up up up

So how was yesterday?

It sucked.

The guys arrived over an hour and a half later than they said they were coming. Jim who is close to 70, I think, brought a guy with muscles that wouldn’t quit to do the heavy lifting. He only spoke once to say thank you when I made them lunch.

When he got here he said that dave hadn’t given him enough money so I gave him an extra $400. Later I found that dave had already given him $1100. When I saw the amount of work involved I realized he earned every cent of it.

I packed up the clothes and they packed the music.

There were more than 25 boxes in the end. It took 2 cars to bring it to the storage.

The next bit I have no defense for.

I packed dave’s folded clothes in separate labeled bags. One bag for boat clothes, one for shirts etc. Oh yeah and one bag for jackets and wedding cake decorations.

At first I was just doing it by rote as if I were packing him for a tour. One difference was that I didn’t slip papers through his bags saying “I love you” the way I always did.

All of a sudden I asked myself why I was doing this. Most wives in my position would be shoving it all in garbage bags. Then I answered that if I didn’t do it this way he wouldn’t know what he had. And then I realized that now he has someone else to go through the bags to find what he needs.

That’s when I put the wedding cake chatchke in.

Last night Julie sent me an email asking how it went.

I answered her:

It’s all creepy and dusty in there.

Plus it isn’t totally finished

Plus I had to drive them to the storage

Plus there was so much traffic that I had to drive home in the dark.

Plus it proves that he’s gone for good and doesn’t care about me and I keep thinking that I already know this but maybe I don’t.

But it sinks in more every day.

104. Subtlety, thy name ain’t Mattie

Remember when I said I wouldn’t tell my dreams any more?

Telling a couple of lies doesn’t make you a liar.

Well maybe it  does but tough.

I’m waiting for Jim to come to pack up dave’s things today.

Last night I dreamt that I was awake during open heart surgery.

102. I put on my thinking cap and realized I would look so much better in it if it were green

The ‘guest room’ closets are filled with dave’s music.

When we talked a few month’s ago he asked if he could keep it there even if we  get divorced. I said no.

He arranged for a friend named Jim to come over and pack up the music and bring it to storage.

Immediately after dave  left, Jim called and asked if he could come over that weekend. I said no because I didn’t want the room messed up before Thanksgiving or some such bullshit.

I know, that’s a lame excuse. I wondered why I was putting this off.

Last night I realized that I had the weekend free and I emailed Jim asking him to come over this weekend to get the music out.

Then I went to bed. I was thinking and thinking about getting his stuff out and I absolutely panicked.

I took a tranquilizer and went to sleep.

When I woke up this morning I felt entirely different. I can’t wait to get his stuff out.

I’m all excited about it.

I haven’t heard from Jim even though I emailed and left a phone message for him.

Yikes. What if he never calls me and gets the stuff.

I know it seems too soon to say this but I really think I’m over the worst of it IF I can keep my contacts with dave to a minimum .

If Jim left the country or something and I have to wait for dave to do it when he comes back in January it will be no good for me.

When I had dinner with Jim Pugh and he said that my voice sounded lighter, it was the first time that I really felt I was on an up road.

I will say that when I got an email from dave later that night I felt a momentary twinge.

This just proves one thing to me.

I can’t be taking care of his business any more. I’m going to have to figure something out.

I have to decide what I want to be now that I am a grown up.

101. When I think of it, dave let me off easy.

I woke up this morning to the news that some guy tried to bury his fiance alive and she had to use her engagement ring to dig herself out.

Then I remembered that when I was about 17 I had a blind date who clearly had a drinking problem.This was before MADD.  he kept stopping the car and going into bars and coming out acting like everything was fine.(no capital h for him either)

Even then I had no trouble speaking my mind and I was yapping and yapping about how rude he was being and who did he think he was and ordered him to take me home immediately.

he finally did .

he came to an abrupt stop across the street from my house. Still reprimanding him I got out of the car and haughtily started walking towards my door.

I can’t say for sure but I imagine that at this point he decided that not only did he not want to go out with me again but nobody should have to go out with me again because I was half way across the street when I heard a screeching sound. he had put his car in reverse and gunned it.

Luckily I was fleet of foot and made it to the curb before he could reach me.

I waited until I couldn’t hear his car any more before I went into the street to retrieve my pump that I had lost in my leap to safety.

Wouldn’t you know it had tire marks on it which ruined a perfectly good pair of black Capezios.

After that I figured that any date that left me alive was a success.

100.Don’t bother reading this one. Up days are so boring.

I  had a lovely evening.

I went out to dinner with an old friend of ours, Jim Pugh.

Since I have never been with him alone I wondered if we’d have anything to talk about.

It turned out to be no problem at all.

He’s extremely easy to talk to and he had a million old musician stories. He’s also played with so many famous people I could pump him for inside info on celebs.  I love hearing about that.

We skyped his wife and son when he got here. His little boy kept kissing the computer. That’s not hard to look at and clearly his mother doesn’t mind spit all over her iPad.

Just as he was leaving he said that when he called me yesterday he almost didn’t think it was me. He said my voice seemed lighter than he remembered it to be.

I think it’s because happiness is sneaking up on me.

I spent the last thirty six, almost 37 years of my life trying to make someone else happy and successful. Now it’s me I’m working on.

Anyway I had a nice time.