131.The ones that got away

My father used to say that he worried that I’d marry Jack the Ripper if he made me laugh.

I was an art major in college. In one class we were to go into the nearby park and sketch.

I had a boyfriend then who was a big football player with a broken nose, kind of scary looking. He used to meet me in the park and sit with me while I drew.

One day he took off his sneakers and his toenails were polished bright red. He’d do anything to make me laugh. It’s amazing that I let that guy slip through my fingers.

I just remembered why.

When he went home for Christmas he had to marry his high school girlfriend because she was pregnant (they did that then)

In my early twenties I dated a parole officer named Joe.

He was brave and tough but he had one problem that plagued him all through his career.

When startled he screamed like a girl. Unfortunately he was startled a lot.

One time he was arresting some perp (I learned the lingo) with some cops. He was climbing through what he thought was a basement window but it turned out to be a coal bin. He screamed all the way down the chute. He said that was particularly embarrassing because the cops were there.

Once on a date he put me in the passenger side of the car (men also did that then) and while he was walking around to the driver’s side I just lay down on the seat.

When he opened his door he saw my face looking up at him and he screamed bloody murder. After he pulled himself together I asked him whose face he thought it was. He had no good answer.

He told me one story about being stuck in traffic while on a date.  He got out of his car and looked to see what the problem was. It was 2 giant black guys arguing over a traffic mishap.

Joe, not really a big guy looked at his date and said with a knowing look, “I’ve got this” and he ran towards the arguing guys with his badge in one hand and his gun in the other.

When he got there one of the guys said to him “Put that gun away or I’ll shove it up your ass”. I asked him “What did you do then?”

“I put my gun in my pocket and zipped it up. What was I gonna do? Shoot him?”

130.If you want to crack up an 8 year old, throw some poop into the conversation.

I spent a lovely day with Julie and Violet.

We were having an adventure.

Our initial plans were lunch at Nathan’s and off to the Aquarium.

On the way there Violet was talking about her teachers, Rachel and Emily.

I said I was surprised that kids called their teachers by their first names.

So Violet asked  what we called our teachers. I said we always called our teachers Mrs or Miss.

That is except for my third grade teacher who asked us to call her Rose because her last name was Tushy.

Violet laughed all the way to the Brooklyn Battery Tunnel.

I learned something important today.

Julie and I should keep our liquid lunches to ourselves. (They aren’t totally liquid . We do have salads).

When I got off the parkway in Brooklyn I saw a really nice diner and since it was getting late I suggested we eat there instead of Nathan’s.

Julie looked into the back seat at Violet who was wearing a huge dog hat and reading her book and asked her if that would be okay with her.

Without looking up she said “Well if you girls want cocktails with lunch we can eat here”

In case you’re wondering, no we didn’t have cocktails and we went to Target instead of the Aquarium.

Well it was about time the kid learned that you can’t believe everything someone promises you.

129.I hope I don’t die before my divorce because if that whore starts wearing my jewelry I’ll die

I’m still working on that be happy thing but my own loser personality fights me all the way.

I know dave and shitface are leaving for the boat tomorrow. By the way that’s the only thing of mine she’s welcome to with my blessings.


I started thinking that when Jim picked up dave’s things to put in storage, one of the clothing bags had boat clothes in it.

These clothes are treated to protect him from sunburn. He burns terribly.

I couldn’t stop myself from sending him an email telling him where that bag was.

I was a little ashamed to tell my sister that I did that but she just said “You can’t change who you are and being mean won’t make you happier”

The funny thing is that I gave it so much thought but his response was “If I have time I’ll pick it up, if not I’ll make do” of course he thanked me.

I have a happy plan for tomorrow.

Julie, Violet and I are going on an adventure. We don’t know where we’re going but it will be fun and it will be in the car.

We may even go to another land, New Jersey.

Julie told me not to blog it or tweet it because everyone will be so jealous they’ll kill us so mum’s the word.

128. Yes you can chip a tooth on roast chicken.

I’m going to turn over a new leaf.

I was thinking this morning that I will stop being so sad. It really isn’t doing anything to improve my situation.

Say my life really does turn out shitty. Being sad before that happens won’t help.

And if my life gets great then I wasted a bunch of time.

One of the things I’ve been sad about was the prospect of being poor.

However things that I’ve already done to cut costs that I thought would be upsetting turned out to be a big nothing.

I cancelled 2 phones. So what.

I stopped buying clothes (except for that red sweater that I returned). If I ever get around to cleaning out my drawers I’m sure I’ll find stuff I haven’t worn in years.

I stopped using paper plates and Bounty. I lived.

I have been buying cheaper toilet paper. No big deal.

Besides dave was the one who always wanted soft toilet paper. I guess he thought it was too hard to stuff up the toilet with the cheap kind.

I’m going to be a happy fish from now on.

Yep. I’m looking at the bright side.

For example my ipad is acting up but am I dwelling on that?  Even though I feel like flinging myself against the wall screaming. Nope, I won’t give it a thought.

Instead I’ll be all happy because Julie and Violet are coming for dinner.

I am burning the roast chicken beyond recognition so they’ll feel at  home. The kid might complain a bit but I know Julie will love it.

I cook just like my mother and her mother, my sister.

I just put the meat thermometer into the chicken and it stopped at 200. Another 20 minutes and it should be just right.

I like my food to be black, just like my clothes.

126. Jews love freebees. Case Closed!

I think today may be a good day.

I received a paper in the mail saying that Bloomingdale’s was giving out a free moisturizer.

Can’t let that pass by. Remember my crying jag at Clinique?

I wanted to get to the store when it opened so I wouldn’t miss it.

I was about 10 minutes early so to kill a little time. I went to the drugstore across the street to buy little aspirins.

I decided to start taking them because one of the things I was thinking about after dave left yesterday is that if I get sick in the night I’m on my own.

When we were on the boat a few years ago I got up at about 2 a.m. with dizzy spells. I woke up dave and we went to the emergency room.

This was Marathon Florida and the emergency room was empty. dave stayed with me and held my hand the whole time and  the doctor and nurse never left my side. It turned out that I had walking pneumonia.

For  a person who is terrified of doctors, it was a very calming and reassuring experience. I even wrote the hospital a thank you note and they wrote back thanking me for my thank you note.

I’m sure that happens in New York all the time.

Anyway I’m going to have to fend for myself now.

Back to my good day.

As long as I had a little more time to kill, after buying the aspirins I went into the magazine store and bought lottery tickets.

The guy in the store gave me a lottery ticket case ABSOLUTELY FREE!

By that time Bloomies was open and I went to get my face cream.

It was a BIG jar of hundred dollar Lancome cream!

Could it get any better???

I gotta believe that my lottery numbers will be gold today.

125. What should I wear today? The black or the black?

I really need to clean out my drawers and closets.

I wrote this sentence last night. I was going to tell  you about all my clothes being black but I have to tell you something else first.

dave is coming over this morning.

he wants me to sign something so he can get the boat re- registered.

I’m sitting here all made up with earrings on trying to look like I have somewhere to go.

I don’t ever remember signing the boat registration before so I’d better be on  my toes.

I’ll let you know what happens.

Meanwhile, i was talking about my closets and drawers.

Since everything is black I have no idea what I have. I’ve been wearing black since the 60’s except for my wedding day when I should have.

What I’m going to have to do is empty everything out and label my drawers, long sleeve, short sleeve, dressy, etc.

I’ll throw away anything that isn’t perfect or pretty perfect. I might even find something new that I never wore.

When I used to have money if it was black and it was cute, I bought it.

I know that this sounds boring but it has a point.

When I went shopping with my sister the other day I bought a red sweater. I thought that was a great sign.

Back to dave.

It was very civilized.

Since the boat is in both our names he needed me to sign the form in order to re-register it. My lawyer told me to have him take my name off the registration. I told him this but neither of us could figure out how to do it.

Finally I suggested that I write a letter asking to have my name removed and when he gets to the motor vehicle bureau he can submit it and see if that works.

In case it doesn’t I signed his form so he can get the registration. I know what you’re all saying. I should have listened to the lawyer but it doesn’t matter if my name is on it for now and crazy as it seems I trust him.

When we talked about the finances and the separation I cried. I hated myself for that.

Maybe it’s too soon for the red sweater.

124. What if there’s a snake in my house? What if there isn’t?

I haven’t been able to write for a few days because my sister was visiting and we spent every second looking at each other doing whatever it was we were doing.

I think dave is in town.

I don’t feel safe in my apartment now.

Not because he would ever hurt me physically but he could show up at any moment. This would be much worse. He could invade my space.

I’ve been anxious for days.

While he was away the worst thing he could do was send me an email which would ruin my day.

I could not open the email. But I’d never do that.

Another thing is that I knew I should be taking care of business, our finances can’t be divided until I get them all organized. I kept thinking I had time.

Time’s up.

And this being just my home feels good.

The sheets only have my scent on them.  I like that. This surprises me because in the past when dave went to Japan I’d sleep on his pillow and breathe in his scent until I knew he landed safely.

If I take a nap. I pick up rupert and we get into bed. When dave was here I’d never want him to see me do that. If I fell asleep in my chair that was more acceptable to me.

There are a lot of little things like that that make this apartment my own, this life my own, something I never thought I wanted.

I just had a creepy thought. Maybe I’m so anxious because it’s been 3 months. he’s in my city and doesn’t even miss me enough to call or come over.

123 After God told me he wanted me to be President he wished me a happy birthday.

Today’s my birthday.

Steph called this morning and said “Your blog should be really happy today because it’s your birthday”.

Even though I had a great day planned, I didn’t feel so happy then but I didn’t want to make her sad so I lied and agreed.

I think it’s because the first email I got was from dave.

On the subject line it said “happy”

and in the body of the email it said “birthday”.

Without my reminding him the guy never remembered my birthday when he was here but it didn’t matter then.

This just brings home that I MUST finish this thing because every contact with him no matter how benign is toxic to me. (the word “toxic”,  ick)

Intellectually I don’t blame him. He got the chance for a better life with more excitement and romance and he took it.

His choice of a crappy rat faced slut from another land doesn’t diminish his quest.

I did say “intellectually” didn’t I ?

Because in reality I resent him greatly. If I had had any idea that this was a possibility I would have prepared for it better.

For example I would have had my apartment painted. I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN AN IPAD 2 AND AN IPHONE4S !! (sorry for shouting)

Now I’m sitting in this dingy rathole with last years ipad and an iphone that when I tell it to call my sister Marcia, it dials Steve Gadd.

I’m sure there are other things I would have done but I can’t think of them now.

Anyway my morning sucked.

BUT then I met Julie for lunch.

She never fails to cheer me up. We had salads and wine and worked  out the problems of the world.

She said about 15 smart things that I was planning on putting in my birthday blog when I got home but I can’t remember any of them.

Lemme tell ya though folks. They were gold. I have a vague memory that one of them was so smart that we high fived each other.

I wanted to hang around to pick Violet up at school so I could hug her, a treat for anyone, birthday or not, but I felt it was important for me to get home in time to freshen up or catch 40 winks(whichever comes first) for my evening activities which are sure to be delightful.

Last year we… I don’t remember but I know it wasn’t as good as today.

By the way, on my way home I saw the director of JFK, what’s his name? on Central Park South.

122. I’m feeling a little low today. Maybe I’ll go to the dentist.

Like most people I’ve always been afraid of the dentist.

After a long time without taking proper care of my teeth I went to a dentist recommended by a woman in my building. It was her daughter.

She was perfectly nice and very competent but while I was sitting in the chair I heard the voice of the dentist in the next room. It was so familiar and comforting that at that moment I would have given anything to be his patient.

I knew that this would be impossible because you can’t change to another dentist in the same office. But then, after a bit of thought, I figured  difficult, not impossible.

So I made dave make an appointment with that dentist. After he went to him a few times it was only logical that a husband and wife should go to the same dentist.

The first dentist never willingly spoke to me again even if I met her in my elevator when she visited her mother. I couldn’t blame her.

Now remember I did all this without knowing one thing about his ability.

I’ve never been sorry. I’ve been going to him since 1990.

He’s never hurt me and he kisses me on the lips hello and good bye. A win win if I ever saw it.

He once stood on his feet for 9 hours with few breaks because I didn’t want to go home with any gaps in my mouth and I’d have to do that if he broke it up into 2 or 3 days which is what any other dentist would have done.

And kindness breeds kindness. I really liked everyone in his office.

For years I’ve been having my teeth cleaned by the same woman. I won’t give her name because she’s a very private person.

When I first met her there was  a calm and light coming out of her. She spoke of her family and her old dog with such affection.

I remember thinking how lucky they all were to be surrounded by her warmth.

She loved to read. She recommended books to me and I did the same for her. After I gave her Julie’s first book we had a lot more to discuss because it talks about my family.

But more importantly I really liked her and she seemed familiar to me.

I only got my teeth cleaned when she was available.

Then one day I got there and the light was gone. She had suffered a terrible tragedy and only the shell of the woman I knew was there. Again, she’s a very private person so I won’t give any details.

A year passed. Each time I saw her her eyes were still empty. You could see that she was simply existing. Not joining in with friends, not really doing anything even reading for the longest time probably because any form of pleasure seemed like a betrayal of all she’d lost.

As time passed however she started coming back to herself. Never quite herself, but close.  The kind of light that this woman possesses can’t be extinguished, it can be lowered for a period of time but it can never be lost.

She had other people and things to live for and the heart in her couldn’t remain cold to them forever.

When I told her about what happened to me and dave, I was surprised at her strong reaction. In spite of the obvious fact that my story was chickenshit next to hers she empathized with me . She seemed even madder at dave than I was.

What made me talk about this now?

I had my teeth cleaned today. My teeth are so sensitive that I hate doing that more than root canal but when I sat in that chair and looked up at my friend I felt calmer.

I hope time gives her the peace she so deserves.

And I hope that someone gives dave a fat lip and a noogie. She’d like that.