Every time my sister Marcia comes into the City we treat it like a mini vacation.

She was here this week to see her granddaughter and my niece in a middle school talent show.

We knew the kid had talent to burn and she didn’t disappoint but I’m nor sure that was true of a few of the other kids.

I was even thinking that being in this show must have been mandatory or why else would the kid who threw around 3 sticks have chosen to perform that as his talent. He had to search long and hard to come up with that. And in truth he wasn’t even that good at it unless dropping one of the sticks was just to show how difficult it could be.

Kindly the audience gave screaming ovations before and after each and every performance.

Then came two very handsome boys introduced as one accompanying his friend on the guitar while the other sang a song he wrote. “Wrote” was a strong word as was “sang”. The kid screamed some words he threw together.

Have any of you seen the Broadway show “Stomp”? This is where a group of dancers use their feet as rhythmic drums and move in unison.

Well we were blessed with the middle school version of this where the only thing the dancers did together was put on red shirts.

We were all entertained out so we skipped the second half of the show and went to dinner.

We chose a French Vietnamese restaurant in my neighborhood.

We no sooner sat down with our drinks when 4 men were put next to us. Two of them were older, I would say in their late 60’s and two were in their middle 40’s. It was clearly a business dinner and the business was international  because they were talking about Hong Kong.

If you’re wondering how I know that it’s because the tables were very close together. So close in fact that when the young guy sitting next to me, let’s call him Clark. toasted the table he included us in his toast and spoke to us a few times during the meal.

I don’t want to suggest that I don’t listen to other peoples conversations because I do especially if it’s a couple fighting or something interesting but the tables were really close so I kind of had no choice.

While Marcia and I enjoyed our meal we mostly ignored the goings on at the next table until one of the older men, let’s call him Reginald, asked the others

“Who do you think will be the next President?”

No one answered so he continued. I didn’t catch everything he said but I did hear

“He never did anything illegal and though it’s true that he lost a lot of money in Atlantic City, everyone lost money there. He’s still a brilliant business man”

I didn’t hear the rest because Marcia started threatening me. “Don’t say a word. They are not our people. Mind your own business. That is a separate table.”

Since she’s my big sister I tried very hard to obey her. We paid the check and got up to leave. I leaned over and looked Reginald in the face.

“By the way boys, the next President will be Hillary”

Reggie looked like I slapped him. I guess he comes from a state without buttinskies but Clark’s face lightened up. He almost shouted.

“I agree and I’m backing her”

All that time I thought Clark included us in his conversation because of our remarkable beauty but it seems he was just searching for a lifeline from those two old right wing fogies.

Glad to oblige, Clarkie.

David and I are either going to have to redefine our relationship or not speak to each other until after the election.

With Donald Trump as the republican nominee I find nothing funny about what’s going on in the country.

When David says hateful things about President Obama and Hillary and with one eyebrow up in a serious voice starts spouting ways that the donald (long time readers know what those small letters mean) has helped our vision in the world as a country that won’t take any shit I want to stab him with a butter knife (more painful than anything sharp) until he’s just a puddle of stupid lying on the floor.

Enough of that, let me tell you about our visit. He is staying here because his son, Marshall was having a back operation.

He arrived on Wednesday at about 4. I had cocktails and hors d’oeuvres waiting for him. Ray was absolutely ecstatic.

He had dinner plans at 7:30 so that’s 3 and a half hours of chatting. Usually on the phone we speak for about 15 or 20 minutes.

After about 45 minutes we had clearly run out of talk especially since I refused to let him speak about politics or quote one of the 500 John Wayne movies that he has committed to memory.

There was one break in the chatter when the babe with the husband and 3 kids called which made clear that all that bullshit about him being too honorable to dabble in that relationship was exactly what I knew it was, bullshit.

After that he started calling everyone he knew to see if they’d have a drink with him before dinner so he could escape before 7:30.

I was just about to suggest that he see if the doorman was free when his ex sister in law agreed to meet him.

I was asleep when he got home and the next day he was with Marshall so we really didn’t see each other until this morning when we had breakfast.

A lovely breakfast I might add. David was being very nice. He even commented that I barely burnt the eggs. There were a few slip ups when he asked for salt and pepper and I brought him salt and ginger and then cinnamon. I finally put on my specs and gave him the pepper.

He only got a bit ugly when in serving Ray his eggs and cream cheese I put the knife back in the cheese container. I had to scrape off the top of the cream cheese before he would use it on his (nicely browned) bagel.

When he leaves I’m going to have to scrape off the top of the cream cheese again before I feed it to Ray.

We talked about Marshall’s recovery. The doctor said that because he was all muscle and no fat his pain would last longer. I guess that’s the downside of being a hunk.

David remarked that it would be good when Marshall would be able to run again because he couldn’t live without running. Then David said that he too used to run regularly.

“You? I’ve never seen you get off the couch fast”

“I was still running when I moved to NYC from Darien”

When I expressed disbelief he insisted that he ran many 10k’s.

“Unless the K stood for the the silent letter in knearly 10 inches I find that hard to believe. What made y0u stop?”

“I got hit by a gas truck”

We sat in silence while I’m sure he was thinking “Only something major like that could have stopped my constant quest for exercise ”

And I thought “HAHAHAHAHA”

Busy day today.

I’m giving Verizon the finger.

I haven’t had phone service for over a month. They said it would be 4 days when I first called. Now I’m living with only a cell phone just like the kids.

I’m not going to tell the whole boring story but when I complained that they sent me a bill anyway they said they would take their charges off but I still have to pay the taxes.

I’m calling Time Warner and getting that cable phone.

Next month my blog title will be Time Warner can kiss my ass.

David has to come to NYC tomorrow and he’s staying at my house.

I warned him not to try any funny stuff.  After all I am a woman alone and I just tweezed my eyebrows so I can’t take any chances.

I know he should be grateful but I’m expecting a whole lot of bitching.

He criticizes my cooking, my lack of tidiness, even my peignoirs.

He insists that even without holes my big tee shirts should be called “sleepwear”. What a hick. They are Ralph Lauren. They are referred to as “distressed”.

Love and kisses, Mattie

Now where was I?

Oh yes, in my last post I was telling you all about the fabulous women that David is meeting in Houston.

His most recent relationship ended because he is was way too moral to date someone with a husband and 3 kids.

I think that was the reason or was it that she wouldn’t put out. I’m not sure.

Anyway I nagged him to join Match.com.

No sooner had he signed his name on the dotted line when he was contacted by a woman who he described as I said in my last post as “smokin'”.

She said she was a 52 year old geologist who graduated from U Cal Berkley. She lives in Houston but she was from South Africa where she was on a work project but would be back in Texas in 2 weeks. Here’s her picture.

I thought she was really pretty and David was clearly smitten. They spoke on the phone and he was bragging that she told him to join this internet phone service so that they could speak for free.

He even suggested I “get into the 21st century” and join it too.

Now cut to Passover in my house. We’re all sitting around praying our hearts out when I get an email from David that he got another picture from her.

“Send it along” I say. And here comes this one….

followed by this one.

My 16 year old niece, Lily looks at the picture and says “This is from the internet and they aren’t even the same woman”

And I write back to David “She’s showing her tits! There are tits in that picture”.

At which point David agreed that a rat was smelled. But instead of cutting the relationship off he suggests to her that he’s having romantic feelings (Hence the title of this piece) and asks for more pictures. The man is a jerk.

I won’t bore you but the next one was a naked full frontal and when she felt that she had been too subtle she followed it with a picture clearly taken at the gynecologist’s office.

In between the photo display she spoke of a hot deal she was into, you know a geology deal (see hard hat photo sans tits). Luckily for David she was willing to let him in on the ground floor for only $9,000.

I have been insisting that David report this to Match.com and he promises he will but only after he tells her that he has a better deal for her for only $12,000 but he needs it within a day and it must be a wire transfer.

The summation of this whole thing is that David is still an idiot.

Now on to me. Continuing on the Romance theme, I was walking Ray the other day and a construction worker looked up from his sandwich and noticed the young sexy girl walking in front of me.

“Hey Sweetie, howya doing? Have a great day”. She continued walking without saying anything.

When I got up to him, without a smile, I said “You’d better say hello to me too”

“Hi Honey” he said “Have a great day”

I have to work a little harder but clearly I still got it.

David has been putting pressure on me to write about him. He insists that you people are bored to death with reading about my dog and my family.

He tells me that the only interesting entries to my blog are about him.

I keep saying that when he does something interesting I’ll write about it.

It’s not as though I don’t know everything he’s doing. I speak to him at least 5 times a week and he tells me every bit of information that he has about his life now.

It’s all about tall hot blondes that are dying to get into his pants.

I’ve seen pictures of some of them and they really are good looking. They have great jobs and are educated.

I heard him speaking to one of them on the phone and she was all lovey dovey. I even spoke to her for a minute. You could see she was trying to ingratiate herself with me because she knew he and I were close.

All I can take out of that is that women over 40 are screwed.

David is not a bad looking man. He’s nowhere near as good looking as he thinks he is but he isn’t bad looking.

But these women are smokin’.

When they were younger they wouldn’t have pissed on a guy like him.

I mean they were and are still on Brad Pitt’s level. But Father Time has replaced Brad Pitt with David.

So you ladies who think your husbands are boring and dumb, before you give them the boot, think twice.

I’m not saying that life won’t be better with them gone, because in most cases it will, but know this.

Angelina Jolie is out there waiting to laugh at their jokes and marvel at their insights.

And if you want to replace them recognize that you’re going to have to accept Angie’s leftovers.

Okay David, I”m sure that it wasn’t what you had in mind but I wrote about you.

Now folks, wouldn’t you rather have read about this guy?

Lago di Garda, Italy 2015.

I was with my sister Marcia. We were in a store looking at scarves. I myself don’t wear scarves and when I do I always wear a velvet scarf that Miss Liz gave dave. It being one of the things he left behind. It’s soft and warm.

In spite of this, one scarf caught my eye. It was so beautiful that even tho I had no use for it I bought it.

It stayed on my shelf in it’s clear packaging for almost a year. Every time I passed it I admired it but left it as is.

New York, New York 2016

Much to Ray’s delight, Miss Liz is in New York.

She and I made plans to go to Saks for lunch. (To you out of towners :This is absolutely the best lunch in NYC).

On a whim I grabbed “The Scarf” unwrapped it and put it on. I felt dreamy.

I always try to “put on the dog” for Miss Liz because she only shops retail.

Let’s move to last night.

I went to dinner at a fabulous restaurant with Susan and Allan.

I don’t go out to dinner very often so I felt that it was somewhat of an occasion. I wore,you guessed it, “The Scarf”.

In order to feel festive and cut costs I had a vodka before I left.

We got to the restaurant a little early so we had to wait at the bar. I had another drink.

Now I don’t know whether Allan or Susan said, “Beautiful scarf” or I said “Isn’t my scarf beautiful?” but before I knew it I had wrapped it around Al’s neck and insisted he take it.

Both he and Susan objected but I can be very pushy.

Ask my ex father in law who when I searched for the word “assertive” to describe my sisters and I he finished my sentence for me with the word “pushy” so you know that isn’t just my opinion.

I could see that Al loved the looks and the softness of the scarf so I was really happy for him to have it since as I told him I love him so much and I have for almost 40 years.

Susan even said if you change your mind it’s totally okay. “Don’t be ridiculous!” I was insulted at the very thought.

I’ve often written how much I love Susan but I love Al also.

The four of us, Sue, Al, Me and dave when he had a capital letter in his name had more laughs than I can count.

Just thinking about the fight Al and I had over what was lettuce and what was a leaf when I was cleaning up after Dave (he was Dave then) threw up in Sue and Al’s hot tub brings a smile to my face.

Or the time I encouraged him to call the police in Montauk when we looked on his roof and his antenna was gone, obviously stolen, only to hear him mumble to himself “oh shit” when the lights from the police car shone on the antenna that was a little farther back than we thought.

He had to make up a “prowler” on the spot. He’s always been clever that way.

So you can see why I was totally okay with Allan having “The Scarf”.

Not so fast.

Cut to 4:12 a.m.

I sat up in bed in dismay. What had I done?

I tossed and turned until morning.

I was just about to call Sue when she called me. She was talking about how great the restaurant was when I interrupted.

“I want my scarf back. I clearly don’t love Allan as much as I thought I did”.

Susan laughed because she, like me, loves people when she has a buzz on.

Her love action of choice is to invite total strangers, like an attentive waiter, to her house in Montauk.

I asked if Al will be disappointed.

“Nah, when he was drinking he gave his Cartier watch to a friend. Luckily it was a close friend who gave it back the next day”

See why I’ve loved these two for so long?

Well I haven’t loved them a “Scarfs” worth.

I went for my annual check up yesterday. I mostly told her the truth. Some of it wasn’t her business. What does she care how much I drink?

I usually have a drink and a half almost every night talking to David on the phone but I told Miss Buttinsky that I have one drink 2 times a week.

If she can’t cure me with that information than she has no right to call herself a doctor.

Interestingly I had cocktails with David in the flesh last night. He is in New York on business. I believe his business has something to do with raising the oil prices so good Americans can’t travel more that one  mile away from their homes without taking out a second mortgage.

He admitted that he won’t vote for Trump any more but he will vote for Cruz who is the devil that Trump claims to be.

David’s reasoning is that since no one in Washington likes Cruz he won’t be able to get anything done if he’s in office. He’s shell shocked from all the harm he believes President  Obama did.

This makes no sense at all because  he should want a kindred spirit (i.e. the devil) to be successful and do as much harm as he can.

My friend Ernie says he will vote for Trump and Ernie is a good and kind person so I can’t figure that out.

I was talking to him the other day and he reminded me of something else we did to make each  other laugh.

We went to the Strand Bookstore, a huge place, and walked past each other carrying books that we’d never read.

He chose “Our Changing Coastlines” while I carried “Breeding habits of fur bearing mammals of North America”.

Now some of you smart people won’t get that joke because they might actually think those are possibilities in the “sit down with a good book” category but we thought it was an absolute scream.

I sure miss those days.

The only yucks I get lately is when I watch that insurance add where the two weight lifters keep calling each  other “bro”

I know the people who read my blog want nothing more than for me to be happy (except for that piece of shit that called me a racist and the religious bitch that said I would go to hell) which is why I’ve gotten several comments and emails stating that they are so glad that I’ve found my one true love, Ernie.

Although I know that Ernie would like nothing more than to leave his young beautiful wife for a 72 year old temptress with bad knees, I’m afraid it is not to be.

First of all I’m holding out for Prince. Second of all, well there is no second of all. It’s Prince or nothing.

But I will say that talking to him yesterday felt like old times. I swear that guy has not changed a bit.

He was married to his first wife when I knew him. We almost spoke about our divorces. Well he did. He  only wanted a thumbnail sketch of mine. He doesn’t like to talk about anything that will bring him down. and he made it very clear that he had no interest in staying in touch if I wasn’t over the grieving process for my marriage.

He told me one short story that is Ernie in a nutshell.

When he was divorcing he had to stay in the house for I think over a year. He was sleeping on the couch for awhile when he realized that that wasn’t acceptable so he took his pillow and blanket and marched up to the bedroom. When his wife asked what he thought he was doing he said “Who said you get the bedroom?” and got into bed.

His wife slept on the sofa until they were divorced.

That’s from being a detective. He knows how to solve a puzzle, the puzzle being he didn’t like the couch.

So my devoted readers, Ernie and I sailing into the sunset is not the happy ending you were hoping for.

Oh yeah and he’s voting for Trump.

The word “best” has different meanings to different people.

I know you’re thinking Mother Teresa or someone really sweet. But no, to me the best person I ever knew is named Ernie Matarasso.

I haven’t seen him in over 30 years. His main attribute as far as I am concerned is that he made me laugh more than anyone I’ve ever known.

In the late 60’s, early 70’s we both worked in the South Bronx at the Department of Social Services, known as the Dept of Welfare until that became politically incorrect.

Ernie sat behind me and we had a few yucks but I think our friendship really started when we went out on a home visit together and decided to go to the zoo instead. We bonded over reaching into the wire fence and combing a buffalo’s hair.

Can I remember all the things he did that made me laugh? Probably not. And even if I could it wouldn’t make any sense.

We stood in front of a shoe store and laughed at a pair of shoes until it hurt.

He called attention to people that I would never have noticed. Like the Indian guy who walked around with a nasal inhaler in his nostril and kept referring to his supervisor as a fly fucker.

His close friend was the scariest big black guy that you’ve ever seen. Ernie always introduced him as gay. He wasn’t but if it made Ernie happy it was okay with him.

There was this guy in the office who sat near me. Whenever he spoke to me he’d nervously move around the things on my desk.

I’d say, “Don’t touch my desk”. He’d stop for a minute and he’d go right back to it. I’d have to be more direct.

“Ya wanna keep your paws off my stuff?”

He’d only stop when he finished what he had to say.

One day Mr Touchy brought me a flower. I was touched. I put it in a glass on my desk.

“Thank you so much. That’s so sweet”

No sooner had I said this than he stood in front of my desk and started moving stuff around.

“Please don’t do that”. He stopped for a moment…..then he moved my stapler next to my phone.  I did what anyone would do.

I picked up his flower and threw it in the garbage.

That’s when Ernie named me the nicest and meanest person he’d ever met.

Our friendship continued even after we left the Bronx. I worked in the Central Office and he worked at Special Investigation kind of a welfare cop.

Our offices were very near each other so we had lunch every day often with my niece Stephanie who absolutely loved him.

He’d drive me home most days. He parked in a lot that was clearly a dog walking spot for the neighborhood and it enraged him that I walked to the car without looking down and stepped in nothing while he tiptoed through like a ballet dancer and never reached his destination without stepping in something distasteful.

I got married and stopped working and he moved up the ladder in the department. I’d see him once in a while on TV at some fraud bust but that was about it.

I searched Facebook and Twitter hoping to meet up with him online at least but I wasn’t surprised that he wouldn’t be part of that. I never didn’t miss him but we had lost touch.

Until about an hour ago. He found me through my blog.

I’m so happy.

For all my nephews and nieces.

Ray and I spent the night up at my niece Stephanie’s house. She and her sweet husband Terry had just come back from Thailand and I wanted to hear all about it.

I’ve spoken about Steph quite a bit in this blog. She’s my sister Iris’ daughter.

I always said that being close to Iris made me very proud because it was like being friends with a cobra.

Steph is truly her daughter. She does have some sharp edges.

Examples: My dog Ray isn’t used to being in the country and all that running around makes him sleepy.

Steph Terry and I were watching a movie last night and Ray couldn’t help but snore, a sound that is music to my ears.

Well you would think that the house was falling down by the amount of snotty remarks coming out of Stephanie while Sweet Terry just turned the TV up a bit louder.

Finally we (me and Ray) retired to our bedroom never learning whether Sandra Bullock’s guy was going to win the election.

It’s common knowledge in our family that Steph can be “difficult”. The family was all at my house and Steph asked her sister Laura’s son to bring her some more ice for her drink. He suggested that she just hold the drink against her heart and that should do it.

I could go on and on. I won’t mention the time she time she punched someone on her bowling team in the stomach because they lost because what’s the point since I love her more than life itself.

And she loves me. I know because any time I’m looking at all feeble she turns on me like a viper because she’s afraid I’ll die. At least that’s why I think she does it.

Anyway I must show you these photos from her trip.

She was at an elephant sanctuary. See if you note anything cute in these pictures.

Steph and Terry and friends

Other than the Sandra Bullock mixup which bummed me out the rest of the visit was great.

Oh wait, there was  one small glitch for Ray.

Somehow we forget to set for him at breakfast.

But when we did at dinner he didn’t like what we were serving.

Maybe he should be Stephanie’s dog.