Someone I knew mentioned that they think they may be peri-menopausal.

I will keep this vague because I am a loyal friend/relative so I’ll only refer this person as he/she.

I know he/she was mentioning this to me in order to give them the information they need i.e. what are the symptoms? Is it something I should dread? How did you deal with it?

I was in a bind. I love he/she and I wanted to help but my particular experience was horrendous. It could be because I was quitting smoking at the same time that I was going through “the change”.

I remember going out to dinner with my sister Iris and my husband dave during that time.

Iris loved to go to a restaurant with dave. First of all because he’d encourage her to order anything she might want and secondly because they both loved to drink.

One time in Montauk he and she (not he/she) had a contest to see who could make the most delicious margarita. They used melons, peaches and anything they could find. I think the bean margarita won but that’s only because they were so drunk that they no longer could taste anything.

I digress. Back to the dinner with Iris and dave. I wasn’t a real drinker then and the two of them were laughing and encouraging me to join in .

All I felt was rage. I wanted to kill them both. I finally just got up and went home leaving those two to their hysterical partying.

Anyone who’s gone through it knows that menopause symptoms always include being hot and then cold so you are in bed throwing the covers on and off all night.

But with the not smoking thing added to it instead of covers on,  covers off , mine was knife out, knife sheathed, knife out knife sheathed.

I couldn’t tell he/she anything since my experience was not the norm. I made up stuff like, you just become more generous and polite.

Oh yes and you may wanna be packing.

The time I spend with David is getting shorter and shorter.

We can be having a good conversation and he says something so heinous that I have to grab my dog (which isn’t always easy because he looooves David) and I leave.

Why just this morning we were sitting on his terrace really having a nice talk and I was thinking “This is why we’re friends”.

Then we get on the subject of Donald Trump and his insinuation that Megyn Kelly was “on the rag” .David laughs hysterically and says “He was right, Megyn Kelly was a bitch”.

I started to say”Because she called him out on his treatment of women who cross him?” but I realized there was no point.

I just stood up in a huff and said “C’mon Ray, we’re leaving”.

Naturally the little fucker stood there so I just walked out without him.

“You’d better take him or I’ll leave him in the hall” which he did a few minutes later. Luckily I left my door open so Ray came home.

You might think I’m a little thin skinned but before I actually made my exit he had already said the following.

“When I get to Texas next I’m going to do some hunting.”

“I would have been a good nazi but why stop at the Jews. What about Catholics and I’m not nuts about Lutherans.”

“In Germany the Jews did all the banking which is why the Germans blamed them for the fall of the economy” when I objected to his saying “That may or may not have been true” he said “If you ever read anything but mysteries and People you’d know something about European history.”

Now I know what you’re all saying.

Mattie, you’re so kind and beautiful and you know how to make black clothes look very “Now”. How can  you be friends with such a guy?

Here’s my answer PROXIMITY.

I’ve actually been friends with every person that lived in that apartment.

If he and Liz ever move out and the head of the Klan moves in, I give it a month and we’ll be playing mah jong together.

My sister Marcia and I went to a funeral for my cousin Maxine’s  husband Irv yesterday.

It was sad because everybody was sad but it was also happy because Irv had made such an imprint on his family that you know that though he will always be missed he will only be thought of with love and affection.

I didn’t know him well. To me he was a warm funny guy that I saw at family gatherings. I liked him for that and because he made my cousin Mac very happy.

But the people who spoke at the funeral, his step children, grandchildren and his brother in law spoke of a man who lived life to the fullest. He not only played the violin and he flew a plane but he clearly spent the time and trouble becoming close to the people he loved.

I’m saying all this first of all because it’s true, and secondly because I don’t want what I have to say to say next to seem in any way disrespectful.

My cousin Barbara, Maxine’s sister, had one fucking job and that was to tell the people who were coming to the funeral when and where it was. Did she do that? You be the judge.

Now this is not a stupid woman. She is actually the one who wrote the line “In space no one can hear you scream”.

Yet she sent an email to Marcia that the funeral began at 11 o’clock and she named the cemetery.

We were there at 10:30.  People started to gather at around a 10:45.  There was a pretty big crowd.

We didn’t see anyone we knew and believe me that puzzled us.

Marcia questioned this but I reassured her that we hadn’t seen most of them in quite awhile so who knew how they’d changed and anyone familiar was probably at the gravesite.

So we followed along and standing at the back of the crowd straining our necks to come upon someone we knew we just got into the swing of things and tried to hear the rabbi speaking.

My sister who cries at the cutting of a cheese cake was sobbing her head off.

It wasn’t until we heard the Rabbi referring to “Howard” (who it turns out was quite a guy) that we figured it out and ran back to the office to find out where Irv and the family were.

It seems that the 11 o’clock that Barbara spoke of was at a funeral parlor a mile away.

Our ritual at this particular cemetery was at 11:45.

I wasn’t that upset because I felt that we gave Howard “Heshie” Greenberg a nice send off what with Marcia crying and all.

Speaking of Marcia, when she comes to my house I’m so happy.

She’s known as the “sweet one” in the family yet she can have a biting tongue.

I’ve told you that my dog loves visitors.

He does his best to welcome them but some people don’t appreciate his kindness.

When she woke up in the morning I asked how she slept.

“I could have slept better if I didn’t have a “hot bagel” in my bed.”

I knew who she meant but I pretended I didn’t. I just went about my business serving a gourmet breakfast.

“It wouldn’t be bad in the winter”.

Still I said nothing.

“He should get a job with the FBI. He’s so tenacious.”

I’m nothing if not a gracious hostess but I was pushed to my limit.

“Coffee Fuckface?”

Remember when I was complaining about not renting my house even though I joined Airbnb?

Well that’s because I never finished filling out the application. This is the kind of thing I’m doing more and more. Fortunately my niece Laura did it for me and requests are coming out of the woodwork.

Yep another thing I’ve got aced.

It’s really hard though. It’s like a full time job and you know I don’t  like that.

I have to let strangers sleep in my bed and pee in my toilet based primarily on how they look and let me tell you the pictures the young guys send are not them jerking off which is probably what they’ll be doing.  Most of them send their prom pictures.

And it’s not like I didn’t have to change myself to lure them in. I had a fabulous painting that my nephew Otis painted for me of a naked couple sitting on a couch with tan lines, the couple not the couch.

My friend Susan took it down and put it in the closet so as not to offend potentials.

I shouldn’t complain. I’m sure other hoteliers have to do the same thing, right Donald?

Ray has let me know that he doesn’t like dog food.

He prefers to eat what and when I eat.  This morning we had poached eggs on toast.

Later on my sister Marcia is coming and we’ll go to Costco before dinner. I noticed that Ray really likes fish so I’ll get some canned salmon.

It’s funny I shop around to find dog food that’s 10 cents cheaper and now I’m buying  him $5 salmon.

I’ve always  been a sucker for my dogs. When I was first married I remember making my dog Norman chicken and giving dave a grilled cheese sandwich.

One of the things this blog is bringing home to me is not the realization of why dave left me but why he stayed so long.

My sweet cousin Maxine lost her vibrant and talented husband Irv this week.

Because of this we will all see each other on Sunday to mourn his passing and hopefully give some comfort to Mac.

Whenever the family gets together I think about how it was when we were growing up.

Our families were very close. Maxine and Barbara were the children of my mother Pearl’s older brother Louie and his wife Ray. Uncle Louie and my dad not only worked together but my father loved him like a brother. My mother and my Aunt Ray were best friends. They were somewhat competitive but they laughed together a lot so that made up for it.

My three sisters and I were always together with Maxine and Barbara throughout our childhood.

My older sisters, Iris and Phyllis spent most of their time with Maxine and  Marcia and I with Barbara. In fact the three of us went to Camp Highmount together.

When I say that I was with Marcia and Barbara it was only because they had to drag me along.

Speaking of Camp Highmount, it doesn’t hold very good memories for me.

I was homesick all the time. I remember being shocked that there were kids in my bunk who actually chose to go to camp. To me it was something you had to do.

I remember trying to hold in my tears when my parents were saying good bye at the end of parent’s visiting weekend because my mother told me if I cried she wouldn’t come back again.

“Nice parenting, , Pearlie”

I guess she was right though. I should have been tougher. After all I was 5 and it was only a sleep away camp for 8 weeks.

EIGHT FUCKING WEEKS! FIVE YEARS OLD!!

But it didn’t do me any damage. I’m sure that the reason I don’t like to leave my house for more than a week has nothing to do with that. And surely my inability to travel much has no effect on my being a travel writer.

………… (this is me trying to pull myself together so I don’t call mommy a bitch)

But I loved my mother and I love my cousins and all their kids and I wish we were getting together for something happier but happy or sad we’ll deal with it better together.

Rest in peace, Irv.

I just have to say that while I was having cocktails with the two people who hate me I got a call from two people who love me.

Carmon DeLeone conductor of Cincinnati Ballet Company and david’s best friend, called and he was in the car with his wife Kathy, who I adore. I miss them so much.

They were going to a James Taylor concert and they would be meeting with someone I also love, Steve Gadd, and Bob Mann and Lew Marini. I loved all of them.

It kind of made up for the fact that I was entertaining people who talked to each other and didn’t talk to me.

I”m drunk so this might not make sense but I’ll read it tomorrow and correct it/

My hair is all cute and I have lipstick on.

David and my down the hall neighbor are coming over for cocktails. I guess we’ll go out to eat after but I’ll have to wait on that.

Now let me tell you how low I’ve sunk socially.

My down the hall neighbor once stopped talking to me for 5 years because I broke an ashtray in her house when I was minding her cat. I”m not allowed to say her name because Liz will hit me.

She’s friendly now because,  I guess she’s lonely, and she’s using my wifi. Plus she has no furniture while she waits to rent out her apartment.

When I  invited David he said he’d come if we sit on the terrace and the dog isn’t a pest.

Good luck on that David, he’s been sitting around the house all day twiddling his paws.

The sad part is that I’m looking forward to this.

I’m thinking that I’m going to have to go back on my rule about not having any new friends.

The terrace looks so great.

My nephew Terry came over this morning to put the finishing touches on the improvements he made on it.

He lives in Connecticut yet he was here at 7 a.m. and he put in a watering system so I don’t have to water my plants.

He wasn’t cranky or anything. He’s Stephanie’s husband and I guess there can only be so much cranky in one house so he probably gave it up for Lent.

I think I’ll have my drink now. It’s always good to have a buzz on when you’re entertaining people who hate you.

So what’s new with me?

Nuthin’ much. Oh wait, I saw “Gone Girl” last night. It was pretty good, not the least reason because you get to see a real wiener.

For some reason I just thought about something from my past that still gives me the willies.

When I was in high school I was dating a singer who was in a rock and roll group. Dating is a little strong. I got him to come to my house once with the other guys on his way back from a gig.

His name was Dennis Minogue (he later changed it to Terry Cashman and wrote “Sunday Will Never Be The Same”) I loved him then and I love  him now. He was absolutely the hippest person I ever dated.

My parents were having a card game that night and for some reason I thought it was a good idea to have the group come into the den and sing for them.

They  sang “Hey Senorita” a cappella while my parents, my Aunt Bertie and Uncle Jerry, my Aunt Rose and Uncle Moish and my Uncle Louie and Aunt Ray sat there  and watched them, just holding their card as they were with uncomfortable smiles on their faces.

As soon as the guys started singing I knew it was a terrible idea but I just had to sit there until the song was finished. For some reason, the most embarrassing part of this was the applause. May parents and my aunts and uncles all clapped with their cards still in their hands. This made the clapping almost soundless .

We, the guys and I, just backed out of the room.

Now this was not as embarrassing as when I sneezed and farted at the same time in the third grade in Assembly  in front of David Gillis and Richard Sheslow, but I was older and my shame was subtler.

I feel better already. I’m going to go back in my memory book of excruciating moments and include them in future posts.

So I put my house on Airbnb.

I wanted to see if it was attractive so I went  on the site as a purchaser. Could I find it?

The answer to that is no. And I know where it is.

Not that it matters because I’m afraid to talk to strangers anyway.

My friend Susan told me that someone she knew was looking for someplace to stay in Montauk. She offered to give me their phone number but when she saw how nervous that made me (how she could see me scrambling under the bed over the phone I’ll never know but we’ve been friends for a long time) she offered to make the call.

So I’m going to put all the facts about my house here where I’m among friends.

It’s an upside down contemporary (this means the bedrooms are on the first floor and the other  sunny stuff is upstairs.)

It has 3 bedrooms. However in the living room I have 2 couches that open up enabling 4 more people to sleep.

One and a half bathrooms but it has an outdoor shower.

It has a lovely deck with a BBQ.

A perfect kitchen with a dishwasher.

A TV, cable and wifi.

I supply all sheets and towels. There is a washer and dryer.

You can walk to the ocean beach. Not that you’d want to because it’s about 6 blocks away and then you have to leap down a cliff.

Right across the street is a petting zoo and horseback riding. They will give you rides on the beach.

Also very nearby is Tennis, Golf, and a pool.

Now the photos.

Plus there’s a piano and I allow dogs if they’re good looking.

I’m charging $750 a night which sounds like a lot until you realize that you can squeeze 10 people in there.

Pretty nice huh?

If any of youse are interested let me know and I’ll have Susan call you.

It is sooo hot here in the Big Apple.

I took Ray for a walk and half way around the block he just lay down.

I carried him home.

I’m not walking him for the rest of the day. He’ll just have to use my terrace (or as David says, the most expensive toilet in NYC) for his ablutions.

I know this won’t make me popular but I have a bone to pick with some dog owners on Facebook.

Not all dogs are good looking just as not all babies are good looking.  Yet there are some people who keep putting photos of mediocre looking dogs on the site.

I say if your dog is especially handsome or pretty, for example:

Go for it.

If they don’t reach this benchmark (see above) keep the pictures in your wallets.

If you don’t like me for saying this, well haters gonna hate.

Does anyone else realize that I have no idea where to put commas? I just throw them hither and yon and hope I get away with it.

I am very mad that as of yet no one has rented my Montauk house and the summer is passing by.

I have my friend Susan, out in Montauk now,  well not Susan, Allan, because he has more of a flair, if you know what I mean, at taking stylish pictures.

I’m going to put these on one of those websites that notifies murderers and thieves that you have a vacation house there for the taking.

I think I’ve been too picky. The way I see it, I ain’t gonna marry these people. If they pay the rent I don’t care if they run a meth lab out there.

Just as long as they clean the sheets before they leave.