I seem to be on a religious theme this week. Today we are discussing Easter. Why Easter? Why now? Because I was waiting for David to leave the country.

He was so hot under the collar last week after attending Easter services that I didn’t want to upset him by writing about it and have to listen to his rant again.

He chose the church he would go to carefully. He wouldn’t consider a Catholic church. Too much up and down stuff plus he’s not , heaven forbid, Catholic. I’m not exactly sure what he is. According to my mother, anyone who wasn’t Jewish was Catholic so all those other religions somewhat blend in to me. Maybe not Buddhist but I’m not really sure.

Anyway on Easter he and I were “sharing the morning” when he informed me that we had to cut it short because he wanted to put on his finery and go to Church.

When next I saw him I asked  him how his communion with God was. Big mistake.

He was fit to be tied.

“I purposely picked the most high falutin church in town” I don’t really think he said high falutin but this was awhile ago and  my memory isn’t what it once was.

The point he was making was  that he purposely went to Christ Church on 60th and Park so that he wouldn’t have to rub elbows with anyone who made less that a mill a year when he was slapped in the face with a dumbing down of the Lord’s Prayer.

Yes you heard me. No longer would He “Forgive our trespasses”, now He would forgive our “wrongs” or something like that. There were other changes that I would like to talk about but he had ripped up the program into teeny pieces so I’ll just have to try and remember the rest. I’m sort of remembering “Give us this day our daily taco” but I could be wrong.

Anyway David would have none of this. He told me that he said the prayer “correctly” in a very loud voice so that the “uninformed” would hear God’s words as they were meant to be spoken.

And spoken by a guy who thinks, no “knows”  he’s got His ear.

The trip to Annapolis was great. We even stopped on the way at Gail, the cookie queen’s house where she gave us homemade cookies in case we hit a storm and got snowed in.

Lily’s Bat Mitzvah was a raging success.

I did take my sister’s place on the stage. The Rabbi introduced me as a stand in by asking us all to pray for the recovery of Lily’s grandfather. I, for one, felt stupid praying for a flu healing but whatever.

Anyway I was up there next to my nephew Brian, his wife, Cheryl and Lily while the Rabbi explained that he was going to give me the Torah to be passed down the line.

I kept mumbling “Please, Jesus,don’t let me drop the Torah”over and over. I think the Rabbi heard me because he just placed it in my arms without actually letting go until Brian had control of it. I think I did a fine job.

This was on Friday evening. The service ended at around 10 and since I was the designated driver I didn’t join in the wine and stuff served afterwards.

Now as to my driving. At the best of times I’m not that great a driver but at night?  Don’t ask. I can barely see so I explained to Julie and Violet that the ride back to the hotel was going to have to be a team effort.

Julie, since she wasn’t dedicated to anything but toasting her little niece’s accomplishment had partaken in the refreshments. As the t shirt says though, Julie has no problem drinking. She drinks, gets drunk, falls down, no problem.

But she was really fine and we did have a GPS.

Unfortunately we misheard the instructions so many times that all the GPS said was “recalculating”.

It took us about an hour to make a fifteen minute trip. Julie was no help at all. Every time we’d pass a turn I’d yell at her and she’d just claim that it wasn’t her fault because either she was drunk or tired and I could take my choice which excuse I wanted. I thought we’d have to wait for daylight before I could see the road again so we could get back to the motel.

Everyone that says that kids are so useful because they have good eyes and little fingers. I guess the little fingers are only needed if you want to make sneakers but you can forget the sharp eyes if the kid doesn’t want to use them to benefit the greater good.

Violet wasn’t even paying attention. She was so busy telling us how beautiful her new dress was and how lovely she was going to look for the next night’s party that for all she cared we could have driven into the Potomac or whatever the damn river is in Annapolis.

The next night was the party. Also a fabulous evening. This was held only about 6 blocks from our hotel so it only took us about an hour and 45 minutes to get home.

I’m pretty sure that once or twice we “recalculated” past the Washington Monument.

I received an invitation this weekend that I couldn’t accept because I’ll be in Annapolis.

David’s son Graham invited me to join them in a restaurant on Saturday to celebrate Graham’s birthday. He is so sweet. He probably called personally because he thought David would “forget” to invite me. You can’t help but wonder how David had two such terrific kids. I’m thinking that they must have a really great mother.

It looks like my brother-in-law won’t be well enough to go to the Bat Mitzvah.

Being the next oldest person in the family I’m going to have to stand in for him and my sister, Marcia.

I will hold the Torah and pass it to Brian who will pass it to Cheryl who will pass it to Lily or maybe Sadie, her older sister and then Lily.

Although no song will be expected, before I let go of the Torah I’m planning on singing “Sank heaven for leetle girls” in a french accent like Maurice Chevalier. (Thank you french neighbors from down the hall).

I was going to give Lily a check for her 13th birthday but I think that this will be much more meaningful to her.  If I give her money it will just be pissed away on some trinket that will be soon forgotten but my little song, I mean “leetle song” will stay in her memory forever even if they don’t video it and I can’t imagine that happening.

She’s going to be so pleased.

Things are in disarray in my world.

My brother-in-law Paul has the flu so he and my sister may not be able to go to Annapolis this weekend for their granddaughter’s Bat Mitzvah.

This is more than a tragedy. I know that a lot of families like to get together but we really love it. If we look around a room and 9 out of 11 people can give us a kidney, we’re happy.

We’re very close. Why yesterday I found out that Julie and I take the same mental patient pills. That must mean something.

We are connected in so many ways. We all laugh at the same things. We all care about the same things. Well maybe not everything. My sister and her husband are so committed to leaving no carbon footprint that sometimes it can be icky.

Last year we were all having dinner there when my brother in law walked around the table cutting chives from his garden into each of our salads.

I was saying “How Martha Stewart” when Julie mumbled under her breath, “It would be if I hadn’t seen the dog pissing on those chives a half hour ago”.

Just so you don’t get the wrong idea (and that my sister doesn’t smack me in the head) I must say that as a couple they give more of themselves to the world than anyone I know.

Also a meal at their house is always a treat, just pass on the salad. Not the whole salad, just the chives.

So I’m going to spend today praying and praying that Paul beats this flu before tomorrow. Not the whole day but most of the day cause I’m going to Brooklyn for a mani pedi with Susan.

Wait, maybe I can pray all day. I can drive and pray and pray and get my nails done. I may not be able to pray during lunch because it wouldn’t be seemly.

Chomp chomp “Lordy lordy please heal Paul” chomp slurp “so he can go to Lily’s Bat” chomp “Mitzvah”.

Ah sure I can. If God delivered after he heard me praying for a seven during a card game, he’ll surely listen to me here when I’m being so selfless.

Steph called me this morning to regale me with all the April Fool’s tricks she pulled off yesterday. I feel kind of bad that I didn’t even try to take part in this, the holiest of holidays.

Miss Liz reminded me that I did do a pretty good one on her and David last year.

So by popular demand (mine) I will regale you with it so you can forget what a lame – o I was this year.

Liz and David were visiting her parents in Santa Fe.

On Sunday April 1, I sent an email to both of them. The Subject was “I hope you understand”

The email said:

dave and the woman have no place to stay tonight.

They’re leaving for Japan at 6 am.

There’s no way I can bear them sleeping in my house so I told them they can sleep on your couch.

It’s only for one night and I think he’ll be more agreable with the settlement if I help them.

Do you have sheets for the couch or should I use mine?

Mattie

No sooner had I sent it then I got an email from David saying “Are you fucking kidding?”

and the phone rang.

It was Liz.

“Did you get my email?”

“Yes, I did. I wish you hadn’t sent it to David too. He’s going to go nuts. Are you saying that dave and his girlfriend will be staying on the 18th floor with you just across the hall?”

“Yes. I didn’t know how to say no”

“Mattie I will give you money for a hotel for them. You cannot do that”

“Liz, what’s today?”

“Sunday”

“And what’s the date?”

“April 1″

“And what’s April 1?”
She thought for a minute and then screamed …..”Fuck you!!!” and then she started laughing uncontrollingly

(Liz never curses and she will kill me for quoting her but truth is my middle name. It’s Joan too but I use Truth mostly”)

This is an example of how they’ve both acted since the day I found out that my marriage was over.

I’m a lucky woman and watch out all you people. I’m already working on next year’s trick.I don’t want to give anything away but it has something to do with pigeons and the Supreme Court.

My sister called and told me I’d better write something funny today because my last two posts were so sad.

Today’s the day I pay my bills so anything funny I want to write I’ll have to pull out of my ass. Not too much funny about paying bills.

Also it’s April Fool’s Day. There should be loads of hilarity going on in my house because good gags are my forte but I got nuthin’.

Although I did put a melon rind in with the recyclables in the trash room. I hope my super gets the joke.

I doubt that he will though. He’s kind of heavy handed when it  comes to humor.  About a year ago he was half heartedly hitting on a piece of my ceiling so that a new fixture would fit in and I told him not to be such a pussy, hit it already.

He really loved that. Every time I see him in  the hall he says “Remember what you called me that time?” and he screams with laughter.

I’m thinking the melon rind joke will go right over his head.

Actually it isn’t a joke time anyway. It’s a “put one over on a person time.”

My niece Julie once called her brother Matt and told him she was really scared because there was a goldfish in her toilet and she was afraid it came out of her. He spent awhile reassuring her before he realized what day it was.

Now that’s an April Fool’s joke. Maybe I should have put that melon rind in the toilet.

Just as the news sunk in about about losing Hugh McCracken, we heard about the devastating death of Phil Ramone.

Aside from being a dear friend and a true genius, Phil really was instrumental in putting dave on the map by hiring him to write the horns for Simon and Garfunkel’s “My Little Town” after an accidental meeting at the Grammy’s.

There is so much to say about this wonderful man. He was generous and kind and funny and incredibly gifted. My heart goes out to Karen and his wonderful sons.

Please Phil, please Hugh, both of you, rest in peace and thank you.

We lost Hugh McCracken yesterday.

He took his beautiful guitar and harmonica melodies and his sweet sweet smile with him.

We are all poorer.

Here’s why I’m crazy. I spent the whole week bitching when I was up at Steph’s but last night my bed seemed kind of empty without a million animals in it.

I did my share of damage while I was there though. I turned her big old black dog of mysterious heredity who was always a saint into somewhat of a brat.

When I’d sit on the couch reading, he’d come in and bark and wag his tail until I got up and went into my room so he’d have company lying on the bed.

In addition all her animals are twice as fat as they were when she left.

That’ll teach her no to ask me to dog and cat sit again.

I have a wonderful day planned today. Julie and I are going to spend it together doing whatever we want.

It’s almost 2 years since dave expressed his wish to date.

Would I be jumping the gun if I sold my wedding ring now? Not the engagement ring. I’m too Jewish to ever take that one off. Will I have to give dave half of what I get?

I remember when dave used to say “What’s mine is his and what’s his is mine”

My answer was always, “Then I’m going to put a bullet in my half of your mother”

Well I’m going home today with my skin and spleen still attached.

None of the dogs or cats got eaten and except for a bit of shoving when the horses tried to eat the hay I was bringing them before I put it down, everything went swimmingly.

Yesterday was pretty good in fact. My friend Ronnie came up to visit.

When she got off the train she was carrying a big suitcase on wheels.

“I’m moving in. Just kidding these are my vacation pictures”

I know you’re all saying why would I want to look at someone else’s photos of their trip.

Well you’d be wrong. I’m so impressed with Ronnie and her husband Dave. They travel around the world and go to places that  I wouldn’t think of going, Egypt, Machu Picchu, Gallopoli, Africa .

I like to look at her pictures so I don’t have to go there. I don’t like to travel anyplace where the bedspread doesn’t match the curtains.

This trip was to India. I was thinking that she was such an intellectual until I looked at the photos. A good number of them were of men’s pee pees. It seems that there are a bunch of men there who walk around naked with ash on themselves.

Here’s a pee pee man bending over, here’s one combing his hair, and don’t ignore the one checking the fruit until he found just the right apple.

She must have run out of film that day because the next set of pictures had a similar but quite different theme, still pee pees but this time not in the flesh. It was carvings of the Kama Sutra.

Speaking of pee pees and I believe I was, I never knew there were so many places to put them while still smiling for the sculptor.

I’m going to be looking at my friend with different eyes. Clearly she and her husband are sluts.