I almost killed Rupert today.

Liz has been working later and later. It was 8 a.m. and she still wasn’t home. Although I almost always give Rupert dinner, I never give him breakfast.

Since I know Liz sprinkles his arthritis medicine on his morning food, I called her at her office to ask where his pills were.

She said “I’ll be home soon so you don’t have to bother” but I insisted so she told me the pills were on the shelf above the toaster.

I found the bottle and was a little surprised that there was only one bottle because I knew he usually took 2 different pills.

Do I have to go any further.

Liz came home an hour later and she wasn’t there for more than 10 minutes when Rupert started shaking and shaking.

It came on so suddenly that Liz said “Let me see the pill you put in his food.”

When I saw her face after showing her the bottle I knew I had made a terrible mistake. I had given him a diet pill.

We decided to take him to the Animal Medical Center immediately.  She put him in her backpack and went on her scooter and I ran there with his carriage.

I don’t really believe in God but I prayed all the way over. “Please don’t let him die”

I was praying and crying when I finally got there. Liz was already in a room with a vet.

She called to me. “He’s going to be fine. He already threw up most of his breakfast and they’re just going to watch him for a few hours.”

Another vet came in and asked permission to call poison control.

I felt faint.

They said the bill might be about $800 and before they would begin treatment we would have to approve that amount.

Although Liz objected I insisted on giving my credit card.

There is truly no amount of money I wouldn’t have paid for him to be okay.

We went home after being told that they would call us when his heart rate and blood pressure returned to normal.

I was supposed to pick up my nephew at the airport but I texted him that I couldn’t come. It was already too late to get there in time.

The end of this story is anticlimactic. We picked up Rupe at 1 p.m.and wheeled him home in his carriage. He was a little weak but he seemed okay.

Liz, dead on her feet, took her pup and they both went to bed.

When I think I”m beginning to miss dave I try to remember why he isn’t here.

I reread my blog today and as I did , many of those moments came back to me.

One thing I didn’t mention was that when we started talking about dividing our assets and giving me money to live on after he leaves, dave said

“You should be grateful that I don’t just move to Japan and not tell you where I am. You’d never find me.”

he added, “of course I’d never do that”

I’m missing him less already.

Thanks, blog.

I was having coffee with Liz this morning and  I noticed Julie’s book  “Please Excuse My Daughter” on her coffee table.

I’ve read it more than once but not for years. It’s particularly dear to me because it’s all about my family. I picked it up and started to read it again.

Early in the book Julie is on her way to visit my father. She talks about the fact that my mother had died recently and his 4 daughters and 11 grandchildren were taking turns visiting him.

I am my father. dave didn’t die but he might as well have and the family has kicked in to comfort mode.

All this time I thought I was so unique. I really did. The fact that I thought I had a happy trustworthy spouse and got blind sided made me think that this was a first.

Didn’t most divorces happen when the couple were fighting and angry at each other?  Weren’t there a million signs before the break up? Didn’t couples go to therapy and try to work it out before moving on?

When dave said at 5 a.m. while I was making him poached eggs “I’m in love with a japanese woman”, I knew it was too late to fix anything.

dave wasn’t a talker. I used to joke that if I said I want a divorce it meant that that was the first time I thought of it since I usually said whatever came to mind. Therefore it could be fixed.

If dave said it there would be no turning back since he did all his thinking in his head so by the time he finally voiced it it would be his final decision. I’m laughing at my smug self now.

I know I was just flapping my lips and coming from a place of complete confidence  but I wonder what he was thinking when I said this.

I felt like dave and I were one. That’s pretty much how I loved.

I remember when I was in college I was so in love with my boyfriend, Jerry, that I didn’t know where he left off and I began. I even felt like it was strange that he had a penis and I didn’t because it suggested that we were different.  Now that I think of it it didn’t ‘suggest’,  it screamed it.

Another chink in my unique armor comes from the comments to my blog. People are identifying with it because it’s similar to what they are experiencing.

All I can say is that I hope I behave as bravely as my Dad did. I know he had setbacks. He told me that he could actually hear my mother’s voice calling him from the kitchen months after she died.

But he worked to keep busy and make a life for himself without her. He wasn’t always successful but he did pretty well.

I’m my father’s daughter.

In the past when dave went on tour I never left the house until after I spoke to him in the morning and made sure I’d be home in time to get his evening call.

Since the time change with Japan was day for night, I’d sometimes have to stay home at least until 1 p.m. and be sure and be back by 8.  He always called me twice a day.

I can’t tell you what a sinking feeling I had if I went down to get the mail or something and returned to a sleepy message saying “I guess you went out. I’m going to sleep now. I’ll call you in the  morning”

He never ended any call without saying “I love you” but I can’t even write it now because I’m remembering it from a different place.

When cell phones came into being and he could reach me wherever I was or I was able to call him back if I missed him it gave me amazing freedom.

When I finally got an iphone, don’t ask. I could check my email too although he rarely used email.

The other night I went to a movie and I had to turn my phone off. I automatically hesitated for a moment until it hit me.

No one HAD to reach me any more.

My life was so entwined with dave’s before that he was the one whose call I was always waiting for. A call that no longer was going to come. (Although I did get an email from him during the movie telling me he’d let me know if one of his musicians would be able to depart from a european destination rather than returning to New York before leaving for Japan).

The truth is I could turn off my phone for weeks at a time now.

I’m not saying that there aren’t lots of people who love me and call me and I’m happy to hear from all of them. But it’s not the same.

From now on there will probably be loads of these little moments where changes pop up that I never thought of.

Now it’s not like I didn’t foresee some of them. For example, (see title)

When my marriage broke up I spent all my time holding myself together and trying to keep busy. Since I don’t have children I assumed that I was the only one affected.

Last night Julie and her family came for dinner. I served pot roast and noodles in case you’re interested.

We were sitting and having hors d’oeuvres ( hummus,  carrots and cheese) when Julie looked around and said. “I can’t believe that this happened and he won’t be coming in.”

Violet asked “Who does she mean? Your bad husband?”

Though I won’t say they were shattered, I realized that ‘uncle dave’ had been as much a part of their lives as mine. He was always very welcoming and generous. He appeared to feel for my family the closeness that he didn’t extend to his own family. He loves his sister but they rarely speak unless she calls him.

I keep waiting for the ripples of this stone thrown into my life to drift away until they disappear. Julie saying that shows that that won’t happen any time soon.

First of all the fact that I’m putting a lot of the shock and awe in little packages that I stow away until either I’m ready to deal with them or one or the other bursts open on it’s own delays closure.

Secondly I have not even begun to deal with the collateral damage.

Not only his absence and it’s effects on the family but in leaving me dave changed my status in the family. I am no longer the one that most of them come to for comfort and help. I’m the person that they feel responsible for. I hate that.

Stephanie insists that although I keep saying that the longer I delay this thing, the better I am financially, not only because he may get hit by  a bus or a pagoda may fall on him, I still should move it forward and get him out of my life. She thinks that as long as we have contact I won’t really start over.

She’s probably right.

It’s always hard to watch when someone in your family puts their talents up for the world to see.

Last night I went to see my cousin Barbara’s son, Archie Gips’ film “Chloe & Keith’s Wedding”.

The truth is that even if it stunk I would have said it was good. In fact before the movie started there was a very weird short of 2 people running through the woods with a strawberry tart  that I thought was the beginning of the movie and I leaned forward and whispered to Barbara, “Very beautiful”

Archie comes from good stock. His father is an incredible artist and his mother is famous for writing the iconic line

“In space no one can hear you scream”  among others.

You might have heard me say that I am the wind beneath the wings for my nieces and nephews writings. I haven’t taken full credit for Barbara’s success but I may have suggested that I did give her a leg up.

I’m fairly sure she came to me with “In space no one can hear you kvetch” and I told her “Barb, you’re close but go back to the drawing board. I’m sure you can come up with something better”

Does that make me a partial writer of the final product?  You decide.

Now back to “Chloe and Keith’s Wedding”.

I loved it. It didn’t have a boring moment. It was funny and unique. I even bought the cd so I can watch it again.

I was so relieved that I wouldn’t have to make up something nice to say at the end of the screening.

Now I have to think of a way to take credit for it.

Yesterday was a really good day.

My nephew and his family came over because they haven’t had electricity in a week.

Even though you love your family, sometimes you only see them in groups. My nephew lives in Connecticut so I usually see  him mostly at holidays. This was different. It was just us. I love my nephew and I love his wife. The kids are really smart and cute but I don’t usually get a chance to deal with them one on one.

Their son, Jacob is so familiar to me. He’s so much like the rest of my family that I feel a strong connection to him.

Their daughter, Maia looks exactly like my sister Phyllis and though she has never said a word to me directly I did notice her looking at me yesterday so at least now I know she could pick me out of a line up.

And what’s so great about talking anyway.

I have a friend named Ernie who once said “Except for an occasional “Watch out!” I haven’t said anything that had to be said in 5 years.”

It’s like being on a rollercoaster.

Yesterday I was sad and then Cheryl and I talked about Graceland and I felt happier.

I woke up this morning and I was happy because my nephew Jimmy, his wife, Michele and their kids, Jacob and Maia are coming over. They haven’t had electricity for a week due to the storm and they want to do laundry etc. Jacob’s the baseball player. I just gotta hope he doesn’t spend the day pitching baseballs off my terrace. I’m sure for ten bucks he’ll put his career aside for one day.

Anyway I’m really looking forward to it.

Then I got an email from dave. He wants me to ask my lawyer or our accountant how much I’ll lose in terms of income if he marries crapface and then he dies (I’m not sure he used that name but he might have.) He says he wants to be fair in the distribution of property.

Now why did that put me in a funk?

Somehow his being thoughtful is worse than his being mean.  Am I being honest with myself when I say I’m on the road to recovery?

Am I being honest when I say that out of sight out of mind or does this mean that I’m secretly hoping that he’s forgotten about the whole thing and is just taking a leave of absence?

In my head there is nothing positive about going back with him, forget that it isn’t up to me. The best thing about our relationship was that I felt loved. That’s out the window. My life is way more interesting now.

So why does proof that he’s moving forward make me feel ice cold and scared?

I always felt superior to friends who were not married.

I had read that marriages have a 50% chance of failing but I still considered mine a permanent situation.

Now I look at every couple as having one foot in the divorce court and the other on a banana peel.

In fact those unmarried women that I used to pity are in a better position than I am because they spent all this time building up careers and all seem very comfortable in their skins.

I have to re-invent myself.

I know that this particular blog is getting boring.

BUT I may be able to save it!

I just had dinner with my niece Cheryl and we decided that this summer she and I are going to Graceland.

I know my nephew, Joe and his wife offered to take me and I hope he’ll meet us there but this seems like too great to miss.

You all know how I love Elvis and I’m pretty sure he won’t rest in peace until I put a rose or a matzoh on his grave.

The blog is still boring but now I have something to look forward to after my trip with my sister.

Quite a few years ago my niece Stephanie called me up to yell at me because I had said something about her to her mother, my sister (it wasn’t a tattletale thing, it was more of a bitchy thing).

My answer to her was that since I was talking about her behind her back I didn’t expect her to hear it.

Since this sounded perfectly reasonable to her she just said “Oh, then that’s ok” and went back to our previous conversation.

Well that’s come to bite me in the ass. I immediately got an answer to the email I sent dave forwarding the email that was sent to me and calling him names.

Here’s what he said.

“Now wait just a minute. I did not expect for that schmuck or anybody else to tell you about that letter. And I certainly didn’t want to and don’t want to humiliate you any more than I already have.”

What’s good for Stephanie is good for me.

My sister says he’s probably feeling somewhat isolated in a strange country and  even though he’s happy he wants to make contact with familiar people to tell them how he’s doing.

The strangeness of dave is his choice of how to do it. A group letter? 
For 45 years I was his best friend. He clearly can’t talk to me about it but he has a sister and a close friend, Carmon. He should be having a dialogue with them. (here I am trying to run his life again).

They may not approve of what he’s doing but they both love him and would give him comfort.

Now about the woman who told me about the letter.

I don’t know what her motives were. I’m sure she would have some altruistic reason for telling me this but in my mind it was unkind and a wish to let me know that she had some inside info that she would gladly share over lunch.

This blog has become a life’s blood to me. When something happen, good or bad, I do 2 things. I call my sister and I write my blog.

Every once in awhile I get comments.

Yesterday someone wrote:

I immediately felt better. That’s a side of the blog that I never considered. When I’m in pain, my family is in pain. I couldn’t function without my sister to talk to but sometimes a stranger can say just the right thing.