I got an email from dave last night listing the other results from his blood test and asking me to forward them to my nephew and ask him what he thinks.

My nephew Barry is a doctor. He went to Cornell Medical School and he’s really smart. Although I had asked Barry already and Barry said dave wasn’t in bad shape, I found it surprising that he’d think anyone in my family would lift a finger for him.

I had my usual abandonment dreams last night.

My sister Iris had bought me an ipad 2 as a parting gift. Why she would give me a parting gift I have no idea.

Well actually I do. She abandoned me, along with my sister Phyllis by dying. I know they didn’t want to but nevertheless they did.

Maybe if dave had bought me an ipad 2 I would be more forgiving and I’d forward his test results to Barry.

(you people know I sent the email to Barry, don’t you?)

The phone rang today about an hour after dave left.

It was the doctor. I gave him dave’s cell phone number.

I waited 15 minutes and texted him. “What did the doctor say?”

He texted back:

” He said all my numbers have improved since my last check up. I only need folic acid. Good news”

Well dave’s gone.

He came over to pick up the check and a paper he needed to sign. He’s leaving tomorrow for Japan for 3 months.

He asked for his snow boots and a bag to put them in.

He made a few phonecalls.

He told me he had a meeting scheduled with his partner Kawashima when he arrives in Japan. He told me that he’s just going to tell him that he’s just got to get him more work. He said “Listen, I have no contract with him. I’ve stayed with him for all these years out of loyalty”

“Well that ship has sailed for you” I said.

He laughed weakly. “I guess so”.

He said “When are you going to tell me your blog address? I can take  it”

“Never” I answered

He’s so fucking stupid. Everyone we know knows it. He only has to ask someone. If he ever called his sister, he could ask her.

So it was clear we had finished talking. I showed him how to write out a deposit slip. and we just stood there looking at each other.

“Nice knowin’ you” I said

“Nice  knowin’ you” he said

“Go”

He did.

I had sent him an email saying that if he marries her then if he dies she gets everything. Pension, social security etc.

I’ll only have what I have and that’s why I’m asking for more than half.

He came over today to pick up some things and bring me the iou for the money I’m lending him.

He said he doesn’t want to cheat me and that he never thought about what would happen to me if he dies.

He said “Let’s figure a way that you’re protected .I could get an insurance policy”

They’re waiting on every corner to give a smoking alcoholic 70 year old an insurance policy.

He’s packing his suitcase while he’s talking. He stands up and looks around the room. I was sitting on the couch. I know he’s thinking about all he’s leaving behind. Not just me but his home for the past 35 years.

Yeah that’s what he was thinking. What he said was “Did I forget anything?”

And he left.

dave came over yesterday to discuss division of property.

I won’t go into details but I felt that I should get more of the division than he should because he is still able to make money. I am not asking for any alimony and I held up my part of the deal.

He agreed with me that I deserved it but he said  “I have to live too.”

I said “You will be making money. I won’t”. I thought “Nah you don’t HAVE to live?”

He said he won’t be able to make money in Japan for a period of time because he won’t have a work permit and he can’t take any money that’s offered because if someone hates him and reports him he would never be able to work there.

I explained that the only one who hates him that much is me and  I wouldn’t know who to tell.

When he started looking sad I started backing off. I said if it makes him that upset let’s just forget it.  Then the dave I knew said “Don’t let your generosity make you agree to something that you feel you need.”

I said “dave I didn’t stop loving you. I just don’t want any part of you”

“I love you too” he said that quietly.

I told him about the neighbor seeing him with his girlfriend. He winced and said “I’m so sorry”

He took the papers and went to the dentist. He said he’d be back afterward. the dentist is just down the block.

When he came back we started talking about the results from the doctor. He still hadn’t gotten them but he had stopped drinking.

I asked if he was prepared to stop drinking forever. He looked surprised. “If the doctor tells me that of course  but I don’t think he will. Anyway I won’t ever drink the way I used to.” This is something he’s always said after he is forced to stop for awhile .

Then I asked him about his plans.  We hadn’t discussed this for awhile.

“Are you intending to marry her?”

He answered “It would solve a great deal of family problems.(She’s obviously a very moral slut)  I don’t really want to but I guess I will. It won’t be any time soon though. You and I probably won’t be divorced for a year”

There was a little more small talk and then he packed up more of his cd’s and left.

dave called me the other day to ask if I knew the password for his new computer.

I realized at that moment what a saint I am.

I’m the one who chose his password.

I could have picked cocksucker or shithead or lyingcrapheadwhoscrewsawhore but no I didn’t.

Probably because they were all taken.

I had an unpleasant incident, mostly because I behaved like a loser.

I was leaving the building to go to Julie’s house for dinner .

One of my neighbors was in the lobby talking to the doorman. When he saw me he gave a “one minute” sign to the doorman and came over to me. He leaned forward and in a conspiratorial tone  he said “I saw dave”

I figured he meant coming out of he building the day before but then he said “on 34th St.”

Here comes my loser #1 statement, “with her?”

He nodded.

I followed it up with loser statement #2 “How old was she?”. I saw the doorman look down. He really likes me and  he clearly felt sorry for me.

The neighbor started patting himself on the back telling me how perceptive he is and though he’s not gay he can read people like a woman. He completed his thought without answering my question “I didn’t like her” .

He looked at me knowingly as if I gave a good shit whether he liked her or not.

“And she looked like she didn’t trust him” “How could he have left you for her”

I realized I had done enough damage to my self respect and I just nodded and left.

By the way dinner was delicious.

I just reread my last post.

I started realizing how very long 20 minutes is. I never cried for 20 minutes. If it was a minute it was alot. It was probably 45 seconds.

BUT DON’T THINK I WASN’T PLENTY SAD!

dave dropped by yesterday. He was getting his cd’s so he could download them onto his laptop.

He told me that I could throw away any clothes he leaves behind. I’m thinking of all those cashmere sweaters that I gave him for birthdays and holidays that he was discarding just like “you know who”.

He was chatting about how friendly his harlem hotel was and that he bought a new suitcase. He said if I wanted to I could have the gold albums put in storage.

I told him that I liked them and until he found a home I wouldn’t mind keeping them.

He said he probably wouldn’t settle down to a permanent home until he was 75, in 5 years. Until then he’d move back and forth between Japan, New York and the boat.

He told me he’d be back tomorrow to return these cd’s and take others.

Then he got up and went back to her.

I cried for about 20 minutes after he left.

Religious ferver has turned me into a chatty Kathy.

I was just sitting here with free floating anxiety trying to figure out why. Then it came to me.

On Monday I have to discuss the division of property with dave that my lawyer worked out ( for some reason his taking my Rolaids didn’t put a period on this as I’d hoped.)

It won’t be pleasant because the very fact that I have a lawyer pisses him off so. Whatever she suggests he quarrels with. He thinks getting a lawyer showed that I don’t trust him.

How silly of him. Why would his going steady with a piece of shit slut put a chink in the armor of our love?

Anyway I feel nauseated at the thought of this.

I’m so scared. I worry about not having the money to pay my bills. I worry about having to pick the right people to help me.

And I haven’t even begun to deal with the idea of being not part of a couple.

But for every negative moment there is a plus. Yesterday I was in the subway (the poor me is limiting cabs) and a cop held the metal door open for me so I didn’t have to use  my metro card.

See what a friendly city New York is? Even the cops know when you’re at the end of your rope and they give you a hand up.