244 There ain’t a lot of small talk when jews put on the feedbag

Miss Liz is home again so things are back on track.

David and I picked her up at the airport and we went out to dinner. Whenever anyone arrives at Kennedy Airport anywhere near dinner time we like to pick them up so we can eat at this same restaurant.

It’s an italian restaurant that looks like something out of “The Sopranos”. They serve the greatest food family style. Every table is filled with big groups laughing and screaming at each other.

Since we stick out like sore thumbs, (well Liz and David do, I don’t) every time we go there the maitre d’ who I assume is named Frankie because almost everyone there is named either Frankie or Dominic, asks “Where ya from?”.

We answer, “Manhattan”.

And he always says “Whoa, we don’t get a lot o’ youse guys.”

Now for those who live in other lands (New Jersey or Canada) Manhattan is about 30 minutes away but it might as well be on Mars.

It’s not just the staff that are warm and friendly. The people that eat there are too.

Last night there was a long table celebrating a birthday next to us. A woman from the party happened to catch our eyes and she introduced us to the whole family, Uncle Tony, the birthday boy, (he was about 70) and Aunt Marie, she’s one of 18 children.  And  do you believe it? The woman speaking has 109 first cousins. I won’t name them all but there were 14 Angelos , 15 Teresas, 11 Christophers and only one Jennifer.

The last time we were there there was another party and the waiter was cutting up a sheet cake and passing it out to the revelers. When he saw me looking at it he just cut another piece and put it in front of me. Tell me this isn’t the greatest place.

Today is Rosh Hashanah or the “Day of the Latkes” as it is said.

I am making a lovely dinner for Julie, Violet and Lizzie. David is in Tennessee.

I’m making roast chicken, corn, potatoes (2 starches just to piss off my sister and a few of you purists) and a few other things.

In the age old jewish tradition dinner should start at 5:30 and be over by 5:45.

243 The mother of the “lying little shit” has taken me to task for being ungrateful.

So yesterday I get a comment from Julie saying that she feels like her heroism in the finding of my iPad was downplayed.

One could say that’s true if one didn’t have a kid that called her sweet aunt a liar after she took her to FAO Schwartz and spent almost $120 on her for no reason other than that her lip was quivering.

And yes I know I wouldn’t have found my iPad if Julie didn’t tell me about the app because I had already turned the chair over twice but because it was wedged in it was a no go.

I have to say though that just looking at that chair brings back the memory of Julie constantly haranguing me for leaving the tags on it for  a bit past it’s purchase date.

After all, even twelve years after you buy something someone might ask you if there’s any rayon in the fabric and the information can be at your fingertips.

Look, maybe I was remiss in not giving her the proper credit but that’s just my way.

You gotta take the good with the bad. For example I don’t chastise her for rolling her eyes and groaning when after one glass of wine I may be too complimentary to the waitress. And frequently the waitresses do look like Farrah Fawcett Majors during the red bathing suit era.

And is it a federal crime to introduce the busboy as your fiancé?  I know that when I did that the other night it puzzled Violet enough to ask her mother if in fact I was getting married again. That was  no excuse for Julie to be telling her that Ant Mattie is a bit “odd”

And ever since Julie was a little girl she’s been on me for talking to strangers on the street especially if they seem to be out of towners. I’m sure that they were grateful for the “fun facts” I gave to them  while waiting for a light or strolling through Central Park.

I know she’ll disagree with this but I consider myself one of the reasons that New York is known as “The Friendliest City in the World”

But since “Change” is my middle name ( in addition to “Joan” and “Truth”) I am more than happy to give Julie the credit she craves and deserves.

Julie, without you I never would have found my iPad or met The Tough Cookie, who, by the by is having a cookie festival that Julie says I can’t go to if I insist on bringing Oreos.

242. Steve Jobs is lucky he’s dead because if he wasn’t I’d make him marry me.

How do I begin?

Yesterday was a day of extreme highs and lows in Mattieland.

Let’s start with the highs.

My sister and brother in law (Julie’s parents) had slept over the night before so we had a lovely breakfast before they went off to visit their other children.

Also it was the day of Violet’s 67th ninth birthday party.

Julie was way overwhelmed so I offered to pick up the cookies she ordered from @THEtoughcookie, or Gail as she is named. Now I was really looking forward to this. I follow Gail on twitter and I love everything she writes plus Hello – Cookies.

Julie has been raving about Gail for as long as I can remember. Not only because as she says, she’s the Michelangelo of cookies but she said that when she met her she loved her.

That made this meeting a great responsibility. I not only combed my hair and put on lipstick but in order to not scare her I decided to wear, instead of my usual black, a maroon shirt peeking out from under my black jacket or as I like to say “a rainbow of color”.

Since I was driving and I had Rupert with me, she came down to bring me the cookies and she brought her dog with her.

Gail was everything I hoped she’d be. She was warm and pretty and I wanted to hug her. In fact I did. Also the cookies were  like individually wrapped paintings.

Her dog was sweet and cute and the fact that Gail seems to think that she has regular ears says a lot about her. They were in fact exactly like bird wings.

We only spoke for a minute because she was working and I was on an errand of mercy.

As I was leaving she said “Have a good time at the party”

Since I wanted her to like me I said “Thanks, I will” rather than the truth which was that I’d rather have lit cigarettes put out in my eyes than go to Violet’s party.

I was feeling really happy when I got home. I think I remember passing my iPad and telling myself to plug it in.

That was the last I saw of it.

Later I looked for it and it was nowhere to be found. I looked all over my house over and over. I started at the door and moved  outward. I even looked in the refrigerator. Nothing. I looked in David and Liz’s house and in the incinerator room. Since as I’ve told you often I only have about 6 marbles left anything is possible so I could have thrown it away.

I finally went to bed as sad as sad could be.  Once again I missed dave. He would have taken me to the Apple store and bought me a new one immediately.

This morning Julie called and asked if I had found it. When I said no she told me to try the “find your iphone” app on my computer.

Do I have to tell you how this ended? The app finds your thing and then you tell it to make a beep and lo and behold you find your iPad in between the arm and the cushion of your lazy boy then you can be happy again..

241.Here’s why I love my super. He doesn’t ask me to watch him fix stuff.

I love my new guest room.

For the most part I love everyone who comes to visit me. I like the women better than the men. Here’s why.

Men feel a need to tell you what you should do to improve your life, mechanically.

I have heard “The faucet in your guest bathroom has a drip ” from every man over 40 who’s been here. Did they fix it?  No.

Even the ones who offer to fix it want me to be part of the solution.

“Do you have a wrench?”

Say I say “Yes, I have a wrench”.

That means I have to get up, look for a wrench and bring it to them.

AND it’s never just a wrench. “Do you have a weezle?”

I never have the right size weezle so that means a trip to Home Depot which though it’s across the street still means I have to wear something other than my pajamas and either drag Rupert with me or upset him by telling him I’m going out.

Then after one trip to get the weezle I have to go back again to get the snark that the weezle needs in order to work efficiently.

Then I have to stand there and hand him things and applaud because they’re fixing something I never gave a shit about to begin with.

So I have learned. The answer to “Do you have a wrench?” is always “No”.

240. If I win a visit to meet Obama I can bring a friend. I’m thinkin’ David.

So the Iphone 5 is out.

This would make me happy except for one thing.

It’s connectors aren’t the same as the the old connectors so if I want to charge  it in my car or attach it to my computer I will have to get all new connectors. Pretty soon every Apple connector we have will go the way of the floppy disk. First it will be hard to use and then it will be impossible to use. They make it seem like no big thing because they say there is a thing you can buy to make the old connector usable. Guess how long that’ll be around?

My head is hurting from all this but since I already opened my brain I think I’ll talk about something else smart.

I got an email from Beyonce today.

She said that she admits that she doesn’t usually write to me but this is something special. If I donate $25 to President Obama there is a good chance that I and a guest be invited to a function, date to be named later, with her and Jay Z to meet the President in New York. Hotel and plane fare will be taken care of although that won’t be necessary in my case.

I can’t imagine 3 people I’d rather hang with but what are my chances of winning?

$25 is a lot of money. However I am an optimist . I often buy lottery tickets and that has proven to have a very poor return in my case.

What to do? What to do?

And say I send the $25 and I win and the date to be named later is the night of one of the Housewives shows or even worse one of those end of season things where they all yell at each other.

Decisions, decisions.  This blog is getting way too hard on my grey matter to continue. Sometimes I’m just way too intellectual for my own good.

239.Theme for today’s blog, empanadas, raw chicken, meatloaf and theft.

Susan and I had dinner with an old friend last night. Daisy Martinez from the cooking show,”Daisy Cooks”. If you’ve ever had empanadas at my house , I got the recipe from Daisy.

Actually if you’ve ever had empanadas at my house you were in the wrong house because I never made anything that tricky.

I hadn’t seen Daisy in about 10 years except on TV. I was unhappy to note that she looks more beautiful today than the last time I saw her. If it wasn’t for that I’d have been really glad to reconnect with her because she’s a laugh a minute.

This morning David came to my door with a request.

He said that he needed me to put some chicken that he left out to thaw in the refrigerator at around noon. Since, as he says, he hates to be indebted to me for anything because then I feel free to stick to him like gum on a shoe, he brought me a piece of his homemade meatloaf.

He does make the best meatloaf I ever ate, as opposed to the rest of his hillbilly fare, which invariably has the word “pone” in it’s name.

I keep hearing from people that think I’m in Santa Fe.  I’m not going until next month. I’m sure I’ll write about it when I go.

On the way there there is a 2 hour wait in one of those funny states before boarding our second plane to our final destination and David has told me that he will let me go with him to the fancy first class lounge .

I’m going to load my pockets with all the free eats they have there so I won’t need to get room service or use the mini bar when I get to my hotel.  Sounds like a plan.

238. The people in first class can peek at the people in coach but the reverse is a no go.

There will be a Memorial Service for Liz’s mom, Nan in Santa Fe and I’m going.

The term memorial is a strange one. No one who has met Nan even once could ever forget her so this will no doubt  be a celebration of her life rather than a memorial.

Anyway I’m booking flights and a hotel.

I was expecting to fly there by myself when I got a very warm and welcoming offer from David yesterday.

A list of his flights with the following message.

“The above is provided only for your information, and should not be regarded as a solicitation for you to book passage on these flights. I am completely indifferent, but should you choose to do so I will be pleased to provide transportation to and from LGA.


I ran over to his house to book my flights and he was on the phone with American Airlines confirming his travel. I asked him to do mine too.

Since he has mileage up the ass we are actually traveling on the same plane with me in coach and him in first class. When he told me that he would throw me a croissant I insisted on speaking to the airline guy. I begged him to upgrade me. I explained that I had been dumped by my husband, I was a senior citizen and that David was not a nice person.

I had to make my plea in the kitchen because David, Mr. Mature, kept making howling sounds from the couch.

Anyway my pleas fell on deaf ears. The guy did offer to put David in coach with me but you can imagine how that was greeted.

Next we discussed the hotel. At Liz and her dad’s  suggestion, I had made a reservation at a hotel near their house.

David told me that that was a bad idea. He said that if I stay in town, I would be closer to shops etc. and if I wanted to come to the house he would pick me up.

I did mention that I didn’t want to be intrusive and make Liz feel that she had to take care of me. You almost had to peel David off the floor when I said that. He can be very cruel.

Anyway I thought he might be right so I booked a town hotel. I will cancel the other reservation today.

Only as I was falling asleep last night did I recognize that depending on David’s willingness to pick me up and bring me to the house might be a mistake.

There’s a good chance I won’t see Liz at all.

237. I’m having a pretty good day today so I’m boring.

Yesterday was the first day Susan was alone after Allan went to Hong Kong so we spent one of our great days together. We really didn’t do much but that doesn’t matter because we always have so much fun together.

Sue was particularly glad to see me  because Al had gotten on the plane with the only key to their car. Even the act of arranging for a new key added to our day. We truly don’t care what we do. It’s still all good.

Did I mention that I heard from Captain Hugh the other day?

The caller ID showed Bahamas so I knew it was him but I wondered why he was calling.

Although he stretches the concept of holidays, He never calls just to call. It wasn’t even Flag Day so why was he calling?

I picked up the phone and gave my usual “How ya doing Captain?”

“Tomorrow’s my 80th birthday”

It’s funny I’ve always wondered how old he was. He seemed ageless.

After chatting awhile, I sent him some money and wished him many more good years.

He’s one of the people that has added only good to my  life.

236.I go to the dentist to have my head examined

I’m much better today.

I went to the dentist yesterday. If it weren’t for them always wanting to look at my teeth I wouldn’t mind going there at all.

As you know I double love Jody, the woman who cleans my teeth.

It wasn’t like our usual meeting though. Generally she is kind and encouraging. Yesterday she was forced to yell at me. I was in a lousy mood and I told her pretty much what I wrote yesterday in my blog about feeling like I’ll never be free of dave because I’m still the one with all the knowledge about our stuff, money and otherwise.

Frankly I expected an “Oh you poor thing” from her but that isn’t what I got.

She said she’s starting to get mad at me because I should think more of myself. She asked if I’m trying to hold on to part of dave by taking care of him. She said it’s up to me to set the boundaries and stick to them.

When I got home I really gave that some thought. I think I would be glad if I never heard from dave again but when I do and he needs help I respond the way I always have.

But Jody did make an impression on me. I emailed dave and told him to go to the Citibank in Japan, do as much as he can himself and let me know what information he needs after he does his part.

Baby steps.

Also yesterday since I was feeling very fragile I once again wouldn’t let my sweet dentist take a full set of X-rays. He’s been trying to do this for the past year and my explanation for not doing it, that I don’t want to know if there’s anything bad in there just doesn’t make sense to him.

He tried his usual nonsensical statement of “Wouldn’t you want to know so we can fix it before it gets too bad?” but that didn’t work so he brought out the big guns.

“One of the ways to find tumors in your gums is through X-rays “.

That’s all I hadda hear. You say “tumor” I say “adios”

He did give me my usual kiss on the lips though so l was able to leave happy and still  relatively ignorant about whatever is going on in my mouth.

235. I wonder if we’re both getting a divorce or just him.

This is a scary time.

All kind of decisions have to be made.

I have financial stuff to think about. I have professional stuff to think about. I have emotional stuff to think about. That’s what I miss most about being married. When you don’t feel like thinking you can have someone else think for you.

dave and I had a deal that I really miss. If either of us had to make a phone call that gave us the willies we could ask the other one to do it.

There were some rules. We couldn’t ask it out of laziness. It had to be real willies.

Since I’m scared all the time he had to do it for me much more frequently than I had to do it for him but he needed it sometimes too. And when he needed it, he really needed it.

For example he just asked me to find out how he can get a home equity loan.

I gave him the first snotty answer to one of his requests in a long time.

I said “Why don’t you ask your new woman to do it for you?”

His answer “Yeah right”

Why doesn’t he ask all the people he’s in touch with instead of me for help?

Anyway I’m going to help him if I can. (Shut up everyone)

I have a dentist appointment today so as usual I’m jittery. I never like anyone looking at me closely because I’m sure they’ll find something terminal.

I also have to call my lawyer.

I wish dave was here so he could call for me.