4/11/20 Ways I protected myself and others from this virus even before the virus knew it was a virus

I want to preface this by telling youse (the plural of you to those outside of NYC) that I am not a doctor.  I do have a BA in Fine Arts however and that is more than useful in these hard times.

As I said I am not a doctor nor do I read anything boring but I’ve picked up quite a bit of knowledge in these 76 years.

When I see or hear something useful I put it right in my brain hole to be used at some later date.

I spent many an hour watching “Marcus Welby M.D.”, “Ben Casey” and even  “Dr Quinn , Medicine Woman”.

I even watched a little “E.R” but as my age put me that much closer to the Grim Reaper I sort of lost my taste for medical shows.

Luckily my brain hole was pretty full so that didn’t matter so much.

I’ve therefore picked up some useful tools that will keep you safe during this Pandemic.

  1. Do not Jog.

And not for the reason these talking head have been giving you, not spreading the virus yadda yadda.

It’s because most of the people who jog are Jews and Nazis throw pebbles in jogging paths to trip them.

Which is why I, being Jewish, stopped jogging in 1967.

All you goyem, have at it.

2. Do not share or partake in anyone else”s food.

This is self explanatory.

Cooties.

As I’ve told my friend Susan on numerous occasions “Susan if I wanted a bite of your squid I would have ordered it.”

The reason I really say this to Susan so many times is because the girl rarely orders anything I like.

If it ain’t a salad with almost no dressing it don’t have her name on it.

3. Get a pet.

I am presently in the process of teaching Debby to dial 911 if I look a little woozy.

So far she’s only gotten to th 9 and the 1. Then she fucks it up with a 7.

It’s a work in progress.

I’m sure there’ll be more tips to come but right now.

Zen.

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4/10/20 The new normal, according to Debby

Obviously things aren’t the same.

Since I’ve always considered myself a leader, mainly in the past few weeks, I’ve decided to let you know how I’ve been handling stuff so you can maybe take some tips from this and use the ones that apply to you.

Particularly if you are or have a dog.

I’ve always been kind of devil may care when it comes to rules.

For example I know that the Debster likes to eat in bed.

I can’t tell you how often I’ve gotten under the covers only to find a day old chunk of hamburger or a bite size piece of last week’s pizza by my feet.

Well there’s a new Sheriff in town.

Some of my new rules may seem overly strict, even maniacal but they are necessary in these times that we are forced to live in and we must adapt.

So now each night before I go to sleep I pull back the sheet and remove the chicken ala king or whatever she has stowed there and put it ON TOP OF THE COVERS.

Speaking of covers I’ve decided to limit the number of chew sticks etc that Debby needs to bring to bed to 25.

You may have noticed that much of Debby’s down time, as does mine, takes place on my bed and I can’t say she’s accepted this pleasantly. I might even suggest there’s an “attitude”.

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Also I’ve limited the TYPES of food she can bring to bed.

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Yoghurt has become persona non grata since she put the half empty container in my shoe.

I told you. I’m getting tough.

But it isn’t all bedlam (see what I did there? BED-lam).

She also uses the bed for other things.

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And THAT my dears is your moment of zen.

Stay safe.

4/8/20 Yikes!

I got an email from my landlord today that there are 2 Corona Virus victims in the building.

One of them better not be me or this war effort of mine will take a definite hit.

You all know how much I love my Super, Lester.

Something happened earlier in the year that effected us both.

One of the tenants was found naked and unconscious in his/her apartment by me.

Naturally Lester was there when we ushered in the paramedics.

I promised him on that day that I would never be in my apartment naked again so he would not have the trauma of seeing me in that condition should the worst happen.

I assured him that I would even wear clothes in the shower where the possibility of slipping on the soap was an ever present danger.

I’ve kept that promise.

But the present situation has made me amp that promise up.

Previously I was very casual about what I wore, especially in the shower.

Maybe a pair of slacks that needed washing anyway.

Or last years model from Gucci that I wouldn’t be caught dead in on the street (See what I did there?).

But now that death is literally at my kitchen door as my last “gift” to Lester I’m really upping what I’m wearing around the house.

Today it’s a sequin number with a side split in royal blue.

Yesterday short shorts with an off the shoulder midriff top.

Wait a minute I have to cut this short.

I’m pretty sure I have my wedding dress somewhere in the back of the closet.

But first…Zen

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4/7/20 You’re Welcome

As most of you know I get the majority of news on Facebook, TMZ and Twitter.

(Actually I only check Twitter sporadically because those people are a bit S-N-O-O-T-Y.)

Well the other day I read something on Facebook that I hope and pray was true. I think it was from either Tom “Bones” Malone or Will Lee.

It said that they were hard at work on a cure for the virus in the White House and that everyone should send their stool samples to:

The White House

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW

Washington, DC 20500

At first my heart soared with hope but then I wondered if someone was playing the rascal.

So I decided to get to the bottom of this.

As I might have mentioned, I mention so many things, president trump used to live in my neighborhood, New York.

I decided to use that card in reaching him directly and getting to the bottom of this.

I got right through.

Now I always thought he was stupid, a liar, racist, a narcissist, insane and did I say dumb? I guess stupid covers that.

Anyway I got a slightly different opinion when I spoke to him.

I can’t quote directly but here’s the gist of what he said.

He’s fed up with these so called “doctors” pussy footing around instead of developing a cure for this pandemic. (He did giggle behind his hands when he said “pussy”)

So he and the My Pillow guy put their heads together and decided to make one themselves.

He picked the My Pillow guy because he had gotten a B= in Biology in his high school in Utah or wherever.

True He had killed a cat but I think that’s only because his high school ran out of frogs.

He said they were really making headway (he giggled again at “head”) but they needed more doody (another giggle).

I can only give you the information. Do with it what you will.

BTW it takes 2 stamps.

Now Zen

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Stay safe.

 

 

4/7/20 You’re welcome

As most of you know I get the majority of news on Facebook, TMZ and Twitter.

(Actually I only check Twitter sporadically because those people are a bit S-N-O-O-T-Y.)

Well the other day I read something on Facebook that I hope and pray was true. I think it was from either Tom “Bones” Malone or Will Lee.

It said that they were hard at work on a cure for the virus in the White House and that everyone should send their stool samples to:

The White House

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW

Washington, DC 20500

At first my heart soared with hope but then I wondered if someone was playing the rascal.

So I decided to get to the bottom of this.

As I might have mentioned, I mention so many things, president trump used to live in my neighborhood, New York.

I decided to use that card in reaching him directly and getting to the bottom of this.

I got right through.

Now I always thought he was stupid, a liar, racist, a narcissist, insane and did I say dumb? I guess stupid covers that.

Anyway I got a slightly different opinion when I spoke to him.

I can’t quote directly but here’s the gist of what he said.

He’s fed up with these so called “doctors” pussy footing around instead of developing a cure for this pandemic. (He did giggle behind his hands when he said “pussy”)

So he and the My Pillow guy put their heads together and decided to make one themselves.

He picked the My Pillow guy because he had gotten a B= in Biology in his high school in Utah or wherever.

True He had killed a cat but I think that’s only because his high school ran out of frogs.

He said they were really making headway (he giggled again at “head”) but they needed more doody (another giggle).

I can only give you the information. Do with it what you will.

BTW it takes 2 stamps.

Now Zen

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Stay safe.

 

 

4/5/20 Am I Joys only hope?

Let’s say I don’t die of this virus.

I’m thinkin’ I’m gonna have to plan something to do with my life when things go back to normal.

After all people are going to want to go out.

My terrace show won’t be as needed then even though every night at the same time all the people in surrounding apartments clap and bang pots as if to say:

“Mattie Sama, ( only Japanese people will realize what high regard the “Sama” shows me)

Ahem “Mattie Sama, I know you need time to prepare your performances and heaven knows they are perfection but do you need to take the entire weekend off to rehearse?  We are locked in our houses and want, nay need, something to look forward to”

Well fans, the truth is I am not rehearsing. I am rejuvenating. I am putting my many talents in a box for 2 days and when I take them out they will be refreshed and once again be anxious to G-I-V-E.

Wait! Maybe I spoke too soon.

Maybe I’ll hear from some benefactor (Hello Joseph Papp)for me to come into one of those empty theaters to entertain.

I’m assuming that many of those actors have taken up other trades and they’ll be dying for something impressive to fill that void.

I’ve gotta go now.

Be patient fans  Monday will come soon enough and I’ll be back “on the boards”

Now I have to rush down and check the mail.  It’s entirely possible that some Producer will jump the gun and contact me at this early date.

But first…Zen

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4/3/20 Necessity is the mother of how great I am

I should have been more prepared.  I’m smarter than that.

Last night I had a dream that I was playing the ukulele to a crowd of thousands.

It looked really easy.

When I woke up I realized why oh why didn’t I get a ukulele in preparation for this incarceration (a harsh word but that’s what it is)

I know I could figure out how to play one.

It’s only got a couple of strings.

Look at all I’ve taught myself in this short time.

I started only knowing tap dancing.

Then I perfected mime. If you recall I learned how to put myself in an invisible box. Well since then I’ve perfected the appearance of walking up and down stairs.

I’m working on “got your nose” now and it’s almost ready.

And as if the tap wasn’t enough, my ballet is almost ready to perform.

I should be doing Swan Lake (Debby’s going to have to pitch in on this. I can’t be 2 swans at once).  That should be ready within 4 to 6 weeks.

I’ve been watching Allan Schwartzberg and Steve Gadd playing drums for almost 40 years and real close up.

No offense to you guys but that too looks really easy. A chimp could do it.

There is no way I couldn’t perfect that in a day or two.

So I’m thinking with my talent and my can do attitude the uke (that’s what I call it) should be a piece of cake.

Speakin’ of cake, any body got one they could send my way? I’m really jonesin” for some.

I’m afraid that with just the stuff I have in the house and what Fresh Direct has in stock to deliver I won’t make my Sumo weight by the time this is over.

Moment of zen happens to be another of my talents. I’m teaching Debby to read.

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Take that Ann Leary! Bet that makes your twirling dog a bit less impressive.

Stay safe.

 

4/2/20 Now that I’m going international

I’ve decided to take a short break from my terrace show for 2 reasons.

  1. It’s a little chilly outside and..
  2. The doorman told me that the bitch from 19G got a Fresh Direct delivery and I have no doubt she’s stocked up on Cup O’ Noodles.

So Parforisty, as they say in Lithuania which means for my non multilingual readers, “Don’t forget proper spelling”.

I am going to let you in on a bit of my personal lifenheimer (Croatian)

In the past, every couple of months I’d go with my friend Ronnie to Brooklyn, or Rovenklamer, as you french say, to visit our sweet friend Susan where I would get my hair cut for reasonable rates.

It’s been so long but I’m pretty sure it was $12.

Being a sport, or lickenplatz (Egyptian) I’d throw the guy a twenty, or 11 parsnips.

His name was Tony which was strange for  a Chinese guy who barely spoke english.

Anyway I decided to stop going to him when I noticed how dusty his shrine was and the grapefruit he left for our lady of whatever had seen better days.

Luckily Susan found me another person to cut my hair.

She did a great job even if she was costly. I decided to bite the bullet though and cough up the fifteen klackens (Hawaiian for dollars). I’ve been going to her for a couple of years. Unfortunately I never did catch her name.

Needless to say personal grooming has gone the way of the efinextra (Spanish)

My hair is practically down to my hips.

Luckily I am a brilliant stylist or cramenapper (swedish)

After trying several different styles , all of which enhanced my natural beauty, I finally decided on this.

I call it “The Lanceford”

What do you think?

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Well Debby certainly gives it a 4 paws up

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Stay safe (english)

 

4/1/20 I got a little down last night

I guess it’s just the length of time my world has been crazy.

First we have a president who is incompetent, bigoted and dumb and unfortunately he let the whole world know it so America has lost our position as the Leader of the Free World and become the punchline of a joke.

Now the virus. It’s all going on for so long.

Luckily we have some heroes out there and she will step up and keep your mind off what’s going on free of charge.

(Free of charge while this is going on but  after that applause last week I’m pretty sure my fans will want to start a  Go Fund Me so that I can go back to my Rabbinical and Mime studies)

You may be pleased that since I am positive that this blog will be shown all over the world I’ve taken the liberty of translating much of it into other languages.

I’m not made of the kind of money I would need to hire a translator, however I’ve traveled widely and picked up enough languages to make this readable in any country.

Par ejemplo (see what I did there?), for our friends in England I will use the word shant and blimey a lot.

And don’t be surprised if I go on and on about latkes, rigatoni or those disgusting white sausages they have in Germany.

And don’t think I’m going to ignore smaller places. No Mon I hear my fans in the Bahamas .

I have plenty of time to perfect it.

Anyway I’m working hard to be cheerful while still keeping myself and Debby safe.

In fact I have been working on a mask for Debby.

It’s very intricate and I can make it to fit any dog except Collies, mostly because they think they’re so great.

It’s very similar to mine so we can go as mother daughter. Here it is.

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This is her first fitting.

I can make one available for your little fur baby for the low low price of $39.99 or 3,000 pesos or 11 drachmas.

Plus shipping and handling.

Bien Venuto, Las Vegas and Aloha to you all.

Be Safe