Yes Miss Liz and Rupert are home , at least for a little while.

The eighteenth floor is happy again. Yesterday I saw David smile.

I have been thinking and thinking lately.  Nothing momentous, just stuff.

My niece, Julie, might be the best person I  know. She doesn’t just say she’s good, she’s willing to do hard things.

It was 1000 degrees yesterday and muggy. She, Violet and I were sitting on my couch having wine in air conditioned comfort waiting for it to be dinner time. Not Violet, we cut her off after 2 because the kid can’t hold her liquor.

Suddenly Julie looked at her phone and said “I may have to go to Brooklyn. People were traveling from Connecticut to pick up a rescue french bulldog and they may not be able to make it before the shelter closes”

I could drag this story out but I won’t. When she made sure that the dog wouldn’t be put down and it seemed like the people would get there on time or would be able to pick up the dog the next morning it was no longer necessary for her to go.

Here’s the thing. She was prepared to drag her kid on the hot train, pick up the dog, bring it home by taxi (something she can ill afford) to her 3 killer dogs and keep him until the people could come get him.

I would have wanted to be that person but I hate to be hot.

New York is so nice they named it twice.

Nobody wants to blow up Guam because no one would be mad at them if they did.

There is no town in the United States where you can’t get a pizza.

Though only a few Americans say “youse” all of them know it’s a plural.

If you forget your recipe for pot roast and it was in an email that your friend sent you last year and you don’t have that account any more you can call the White House and ask them to send you a copy of it and they will.

If you are invited to a July fourth BBQ and the host tells you that you have to sit at the children’s table because everyone else is a couple and you are a single due to something that is not your fault you can say “No way Jose”. If you were French you’d have to do it.

They don’t call American cheese AMERICAN cheese for nothing.

Thank you.

Miss Liz and Rupie are coming home tomorrow so we’re all excited.

They are having a BBQ  for July 4 and in preparation Lizzie has had delivered a new table and chairs for her terrace.

When they arrived I called David at work to let him know.

I said they were in big boxes so he told me to offer the guy “an Andrew Jackson” to remove them from the boxes and take the boxes away.

I asked the guy who immediately said “No.”.

I called David and said the good news, bad news thing , “You still have twenty bucks but there are six huge boxes on your terrace.”

Always grateful, he started screaming at me that once again I fucked up and played it all wrong, “You should have let him see the twenty while you were asking him.”

“And what if he takes the twenty and still says no. What shot would I have in getting the money back from you?”

He had to admit I had a point.

This morning he called me and advised me that it was time to unbox the furniture.

I had told him when the stuff arrived that maybe we should save the boxes in case Liz wants to send it back but he poo pooed that. ( I should note that when Liz called later and told him not to throw out the boxes he said “Mattie wanted to throw them out but I said not to”. I spend my life under the bus)

It turned out that since it rained yesterday the boxes were soaked and there was no saving them.

I went over and we began uncrating the furniture. He kept referring to his “weak left arm” and instructing me to hold the heavy parts and lug the boxes into the hall.

He let me know if it wasn’t for the arm thing plus the risk of passing another kidney stone he’d be happy to be more of a help.

After we finished and he posed smiling for a picture at the table for me to send to his lady love I reminded him that I was almost 70 so he might have pushed himself a bit more.

Naturally he felt bad. I’m sure when he said that he was glad I waited until it was all finished to remind him of that, what he meant was

“I shouldn’t have let you do all that heavy lifting. Only a real prick would take advantage of an old lady that way.”

First of all I want to tell you that after over 500 images Shelby McChord is taking the summer off from doing the drawings for this blog. You people will just have to endure my whining without the frills.

Shelby is not only an incredible artist, she’s a funny, creative soul who shines light on all her relationships.

Have a wonderful summer, Shelby.

Now back to me.

I never thought you could Jew down Bloomingdales but I just did. You should note that I didn’t even use my go to pity deal that my husband divorced  me after 38 years of marriage.

All I did was say that I thought the sheets I was buying were on sale and got a little teary and voila she put them on sale. I saved $50. I think I’ll go back and buy a couch.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately.

I think that when you get married you should always keep your options open.

Say your husband cheats once and is then is sorry.

If you love him you should take him back but never again let yourself be caught unawares.

Pretend you forgive and have forgotten but from that time on look for someone else. Someone to keep in a box if or when your husband falls back into his old ways.

I don’t want to hear from all you moral know it alls.  My plan is foolproof.

First of all you’ve got something for a rainy day and knowing this will make you way more pleasant to be around.

No one takes a cheating husband back without devoting a good part of their life punishing him.

If you do what I say, you’ll feel guilty. I don’t know about you but I’m much nicer if I feel guilty than I am if I feel self righteous

Now the guy in the box doesn’t have to be terrific. He doesn’t even have to be as good as your mate. He just has to be better than nothing which is what you’ll have if fuckface goes back to his old ways.

Oh yeah and you should be hiding money.

I’m just sorry that I don’t have a daughter to pass my bon mots down to but lucky for youse, I have a blog.

I haven’t written for awhile mainly because nothing of note has happened to me, that is until yesterday.

Let me give you a bit of history.

The new methods of communication have made it unnecessary to leave your house and has put skills that used to be only in the hands of professionals at the fingertips of anyone with a bit of money and some time.

I saw it in the music business first. dave, may he rest in peace, was primarily an arranger. If you wanted to record , even a commercial demo, you would have to hire someone like him to hear the music in his head and put it down on paper so that the musicians could play it.

Once synthesizers and digital recording came along any shlub with no training but a good ear could tinkle around until he or she came up with something pleasing and slap it on a cd.

I could go on with downloading music, movies, books but I won’t.

I’ll just tell you my little story.

dave never wanted to go to the movies so one of the first things I did when he left was go see a flick.

It was a big disappointment. The movie was good but the screen wasn’t that big and the image wasn’t so great.  I have a 46″ HDTV in my bedroom and I sit in a comfortable easy chair. Why would I pay so much money to squeeze into a seat and watch something that would be clearer and more comfortable at home?

The answer? I wouldn’t.

But it seems that some theater owners have done what the music business hasn’t. They made going to the movies a treat.

Yesterday Julie and I went to see “The Heat”.

When we walked into the theater I almost fainted. The rows were about 6 feet apart and each seat was a big velvet lounge chair. We watched the movie with our feet up and our seats back.

BTW the movie was hysterical and if it hadn’t been for the ass wipe sitting next to Julie who sang along with the theme song and explained what was happening on the screen to his half wit girlfriend it would have been perfect.

Of course there is also the 8 dollar box of candy but that’s nothing that anyone with a bra two sizes bigger than they wear and a hand full of peanut m & m’s can’t get around.

Remember when I said I was getting a new personality? Well I think I did.

Whenever anyone says “Do you want to….”,  my immediate answer is no.  I always need to plan things in advance.

But twice this weekend I went to Brooklyn on a dime. And the earth went right on spinning.

There’s no telling what adventures are in store for me now that I’m “devil may care”.

Here’s some good news. Miss Liz and Rupert are coming home next week.

Last night David said he would like to take Lizzie out of town while she’s here and leave Rupert with me.

“You can go anyplace you want but you’re taking Rupert with you.” I had just told him how footloose and fancy free I’ve become so I can’t be tied down in any way.

Here’s something that will make you really hate David. He never mentions Rupert without using the term “yappy little weasel”.

“Oh we aren’t taking him. If you won’t mind him we’ll put the yappy little weasel in a kennel”

“Go ahead”

He started to laugh. “I’m calling your bluff.  I know you’d never let him go to a kennel”

He’s right.  Stephanie used to say that she just asked me if I would mind her dog, Willa, as a courtesy  because if I said no she could just drop her off with my doorman and not only would I mind Willa, I would be good to her and I wouldn’t even hate Steph for more than a few days.

But that has nothing to do with whether or not I will mind Rupie or if David and Liz are going away while she’s in town.

Do you know the expression “Man plans, God laughs”?

Well David plans, Liz laughs.

I have decided to have a different personality.

Here’s what writing down everything that happens in your life does to you. It makes you see how stupid you are.

I’ve been talking about all this pension stuff and the emails going back and forth. Even though each email is costing me money because my lawyer charges me, I really want it  finished so I’m accepting it.

I also felt that maybe the worst of it was over with dave. I was less angry  and even feeling sorry for him.  I actually spent time talking to my accountant and lawyer in an effort to save him from serious financial penalties. I was thinking that maybe in some distant future we could be friendly if not friends.

Two things happened yesterday that made me realize the impossibility of that..

Number one, dave was snotty to me and number two, at around 2 in the afternoon (2  in the morning to him) he said he had to go to bed and he’d get back to us in the morning.

I immediately pictured him getting into bed with this stranger and I felt a pang. I wonder if he told her to “scoot over” to make room for him like he did to me when he came to bed late.

I am clearly not over this. I forget sometimes that I’m mad so I slip back into my old persona but the new me is not going to let that happen any more.

I’m not going to say that I will stay mad, that would only hurt me. I will just have no contact with or about dave that isn’t necessary to my life.

I won’t even write about him unless he’s arrested for something interesting like murder or drunk and disorderly or some kind of cross dressing offense.

Wait, I can’t totally eliminate using him to make a point in a story so I guess I will still write about him. I just won’t talk to him or look at him or think about him.

I”m going to think exclusively about puppies.

Anything to rid my mind of the image of the video of that big fat yellow snake that can open doors and slam it’s body into the room to the words of  “good job” from it’s owner.

And I don’t want to think about dave either.

I was going to write a blog called  “Ouchy Ouchy Ouch Ouch” but something better came along.

I’ve mentioned that dave and I have had some problem dividing our pension.  There have been emails flying back and forth between my lawyer, our accountant and the pension guy with little satisfaction.

While I was in the hospital yesterday waiting for the doctor to gouge a hole in my eye I received an email from dave referring to the pension guy saying :

Mattie,
Fuck this guy. If he cannot divide our pension asap, can we get someone else?

I told him I’d look into it tomorrow.

This morning I got another email from dave saying:

Dear Jim;
Please forgive the unprofessional, inappropriate and insulting language in my last email.
I had had a little bit too much Japanese sake, and I was frustrated about what I perceived to be the slow pace of the QDRO proceedings.
I am quite aware that you are a professional, and are taking care of this issue as quickly as is possible.
Please accept my sincere apology.
David Matthews

I looked back at the original email and saw that dave had sent his first note to everyone and only discovered that when one of those automatic emails came saying that the pension guy, Jim, would be out of the office but would answer the email on his return. I can only imagine how he felt.

I have to admit that I took pity on him and sent a letter to all saying:

Am I to gather from this that Dave’s  last email went to everyone ?
Please forgive him. He’s got some fidelity issues but he’s not a bad person.

Thanks, Mattie

It was so nice to see that for once, dave was the one with the willies.

When my father died  we found the following letter on his desk.

I’m writing this as the closing comments after I finish as much of my autobiography as I’ll be able to.

You’ve all grown up (when I say you, I mean Iris, Phyllis, Marcia and Mattie) to be the greatest things that could happen to anyone.  I am so proud of all of you that I burst with happiness.

And your children, my grandchildren, Barry, Randy, Stephanie, Laura, Eric, Craig, Jon, Jimmy, Brian, Matthew and Julie – I think that’s all of you, have all become people that anyone would be happy to claim as theirs.

And then there’s Bernie Snyder, Jim Grigor, Paul Klam and Dave Matthews.  My hat’s off to you for being the people you are. I’m also amazed that you have accepted not only the virtues they inherited from their mother, together with the minimal faults that they might have acquired along the way, but  also the idea that they are princesses as they’re all descended from royalty on their mother’s side.

Now the new crop is growing. The great grandchildren, at this point I count 24 with one on the way, who knows what the future will bring. However from what I have seen so far I don’t think they’ll be any problem.

As far as I’m concerned, all I want is to be able to continue these relationships from here on in.

I love you all.

This was the kind of thing my dad did. He not only took care of us when he was alive, he made sure he gave us some peace when he left us.

There have been some changes in the make up of the family since he died  but I’m glad that he saw us the way we were in 1997.

Happy Father’s Day Daddy. We love you too.

I got an email from David this morning saying that he almost went to the hospital during the night because he was in so much pain.

I immediately called him and he told me to bring my coffee over and he’d tell me all about it.

This is not unusual. Most Saturday or Sunday mornings Liz, David and I have coffee together. When Lizzie isn’t here it’s usually just me and him.

When he described the night it was clear that he had passed a kidney stone and when that was over he was fine so we just chatted.

I mentioned that I was feeling sorry for dave because there were some pension problems that might result in tax penalties for him and I could tell that he’s really upset by it all. I said that I was trying to help him by calling people and asking them what he should do to minimize it.

“Why are you doing that? Let him figure it out himself.”

“I don’t want to kick him when he’s down.”

“Are you nuts? How is he down? He’s in Japan getting his dick sucked.  Poor dave, yeah he’s down”.

I didn’t want to talk about this any more so I changed the subject. Besides how do you explain to a chimp the color blue or that after 40 years dave being scared still touches me.

“I hope you didn’t take any aspirin last night. You were only supposed to take Tylenol.

“That was ‘before’ the procedure”.

“No it wasn’t. The guy specifically said that you weren’t to take any aspirin products for at least 48 hours.” I had to go and get the instructions that they gave him when they released him to prove it to him.

You could have knocked him over with a feather when he read them over.

I wasn’t a bit surprised that he didn’t remember any of it.

The whole time the male nurse was giving him instructions he was looking at his phone. He even started speaking to a passing woman while the guy was going over everything.

I actually had to yell at him to pay attention. “David the man is speaking to you. This is important.”

He pretended to listen then but he clearly didn’t because his reaction when he read over the instructions today showed it was all new to him.

“No alcohol for 24 hours? Glad I didn’t know that.”