Liz better get back here fast.

First of all I miss her and I miss Rupie.

Second of all, I seem to have gotten custody of David who is acting out without Lizzie here to control him.

This morning I got a call from him at about 8 a.m. because he couldn’t find his keys. Since he used them to get in the house they must be there but he had to leave for Mexico and he couldn’t lock his door.

I told him to go. I’d lock his door and find his keys.

He must be bored and waiting for his plane to leave because I got 3 emails in a row from him. None of which would he dare be sending me if Liz were within smacking distance.

1.”Check out liveleak.com today. Video of a beheading in Saudi Arabia. Swordsman did it with only 1 hand! Did you read about the massacre yesterday in Mx City airport? On my way there this afternoon. I’ve always thought there’s a bullet out there somewhere with my name on it.

Any luck with the keys?”

2. Some stupid joke that his stupid friend sent to stupid him called “Liberal 101”.

3. A youtube thing that I have no intention of looking at since I learned my lesson early in our relationship that whatever he’s sent me has only one goal – to piss me off.

In last month’s AARP Bulletin they cite the fact that though since 1990 divorces as a whole have gone down in the United States, it has doubled for those over 50.

That’s a shocking thing in itself and they give lots of reasons why, none of which I care about.

What I’m thinking is that it is much more difficult for someone who got married  40 years ago to be left then it is for someone young mainly because when we entered into marriage the expectations were different.

Young women today are expected to work and have their own identity. Remember I’m coming from a very middle class place but when I got married, though I was working, my job was not expected to do anything to support the family and when it got in the way of traveling with my husband, I quit.

I  just thought of something. I am one of 4 daughters. My father and my uncles had a thriving business. There was only one son in our family, my cousin Matthew, and he automatically went into the business as did some of my brothers in law.

Except for my sister, Iris, who acted as a secretary for a period of time while her husband was overseas in the Army (when he came out he joined the business), none of us were even considered .

And it wasn’t a business of tugging and lifting. They sold the cloth that covers mattresses, mattress ticking.

We were 4 really smart women, as were my cousins Maxine and Barbara but we were passed over like bad fish. Not even bad fish. That suggests a negative. We were ignored.

I know I’ve said this before but every bit of creativity I had went into helping my husband succeed. This wasn’t his fault. I was happy to do it and I felt truly fulfilled. I’ve always said that some of my happiest times were when dave and I were working on a project together with him writing, arranging and producing and me doing the business and writing the lyrics.

Though my parents loved me, I had no doubt about that, I wasn’t valued . When I’d play the songs I wrote for my mother, almost immediately she would lose interest and start talking. I still remember dave playing them his jingle reel and my mother listened as though it were Beethoven.  She actually had tears in her eyes.

The final proof that we were only as valuable as the men we married came when my father’s will was read.

The executrixes were my sisters Iris, the oldest ,who was married to a lawyer, and my sister Marcia , #3, who was married to a pension planner. They passed over my sister Phyllis,the second oldest, a move that humiliated her in front of her sons.

They didn’t name her even though she was a stockbroker because her husband sold fork lifts and me because I was married to a musician who would later turn out to be a fuckwad (although they had no way of knowing this). Sorry, couldn’t resist.

This would never happen today. Women today marry later and have usually established their careers by the time they enter into that union so when they leave or are dumped they have something to fall back on.

If I were born later I’d have sold the cloth that covered the mattresses in my trundle bed that I bought at Sleepy’s and I could have gotten a bigger discount than $150.

My first day of freedom wasn’t all that I thought it would be.

I was the only one in the movie theatre.

I was wondering if that meant that I march to my own drummer or that only a lame-o like me had nothing better to do on a sunny Saturday afternoon.

My fear that someone would sneak up on me and bop me on the head kept me from totally enjoying the flick.

After the movie I made a few stops but I had nothing else to do until dinner with Julie and Violet at 6 so I went home.

During dinner Violet mentioned that a boy in her class named “Joey” asked that his nickname be “Jewie”. Taken aback I asked why he would pick that as a name and she answered with a look like “Duh!”,

“Because he’s Jewish”

All I could think of was that times have changed, If anyone called me Jewie when I was young it was never by my choice.

After dinner, it was 7: 30 or so, I was on the bus going home and I texted David to see if he still wanted to have a drink since he had sent his “Cocktails?” email to me while I was out. You see, the new me was a night owl. Hell I may even stay up until 9 or 10.

He answered

“Sure. Why not? Have had 2 Margaritas but I’m trying to get myself off this whole moderation thing!!”

We spent the rest of the evening on his terrace shootin’ the breeze.

When he isn’t rolling his eyes or screaming at me in German he can be quite the charming companion.

Miss Liz came home for a few days but she’s gone back to Santa Fe and she took Rupert with her.

This is the first time since I don’t know when that I have nothing to be responsible for except myself.

It’s scary and freeing.

Today I am going to the movies.(I never would have left Rupert for something so frivolous.)

Later I’m going to not come home for dinner even if I have to hang out in Home Depot.

The world is my oyster. (what an icky thought)

Maybe I’ll do some sleuthing. I’d like to catch that guy who’s drawing swastikas on buildings in Brooklyn.

I guess I’m going to have to get me a big magnifying glass if I want to be effective in tracking down clues.

Then I can right a whole shitload of wrongs.

I entertained people not in my family for the first time last night. I made a barbeque.

I almost had a whole band there, Jim Pugh, his wife Grace (I double love her) and their 2 year old son, Mattox, Sue and Allan Schwartzberg , Lew Soloff, Ronnie Taylor, Carol Fredette, Mary Moreno (Alan Rubin’s widow and a successful mystery writer) and David.

The evening started on a questionable note when Mattox refused to leave the elevator and showed it by lying on his back and kicking everyone who tried to entice him out.

He cheered up tremendously however when he saw that I had newly planted marigolds on my terrace just asking for their heads to be pulled off. And he capped off his delicious presence when it was time to leave and he gave everyone a big wet kiss on the lips. Mmm I can still feel it.

I was a bit nervous having David there because as he said when I invited him telling him he’d have to behave,

“Don’t worry. I know your friends are all left wing hippies”

The real surprise was that since everyone there had been reading my blog they were delighted to meet David. Plus he was at his most charming. I got a million calls this morning saying how warm, funny and nice he was. Go figure.

But he showed his true colors a few minutes ago when he emailed me a picture of a whole dead pig from the Big Apple BBQ Festival he was attending with his sons.

Like I said, the guy never disappoints. He could only spend so long being civilized.

David dropped by this morning to tell me about his evening out with his two sons last night.

Those stories are never “Father Knows Best” moments. It’s more like three college kids looking for trouble.

He began by telling me that at dinner the waiter gave him a bottle of wine that he thought was $70 (he had requested a wine around that price) but was in fact $270.

He told me how he handled it.  I’ll spare you the details but it was at best elitist and at worst bigoted .  He then said “Feel free to quote me in your blog”.

This is where I explained to him that I have to protect him from himself. The things that he considers absolutely proper are anything but in civilized company.

One of the first things anyone who has read my blog asks me when they meet me  is “Is David really like that?”. If I were to answer honestly I would say “No, he’s much worse.”

It is my careful editing that has made him seem eccentric but still lovable.

And I do that because I do, in fact, love him.  He is frequently very good to me which is why I overlook his, what I would call failings but what he would call the musings of any “Good Republican gun owner from Texas who has relocated to the People’s Republic of New York”.

He followed up with a story his son told him about a guy jerking off in the steam room of his gym.

David, ever the understater, shook his head and said

“Jerking off in public? That’s just not right.”

See he does have standards of behavior.

I went swimming today.

I kind of had a moment with a guy there. Actually 2 moments.

The first was as I was getting off the elevator on the locker room floor.

A rather fat, but not unattractive  man was getting on.

Our eyes met as he got off and I got on.

He seemed very confident because he only wore his bathing suit, no cover up, and his bathing cap to go down to the pool. As I said before he was fat, in fact, pretty round but solid like a bowling ball.

I went on to dress for my swim and when I got down there he was already in the pool.

Our second moment came about 45 minutes later when I called the lifeguard over to check on him because he hadn’t moved from his spot hanging on to the side of the pool since I got there.

The lifeguard reassured me that the guy’s been coming here for years and all he does is stand at the side of the pool without moving until he decides to go home.

You know what this means? I’ll get another chance at him.

So last night at about 10:30 p.m.,  I’m relaxing in one of the two lounge chairs in front of my bed watching “The Real Housewives of Somewhere” when I get an email from Liz who’s in Santa Fe with her father.

“If you’re still up will you go over and fix the TV for David?”

I slip into something attractive, pants, and go over and ring the bell.

He lets me in with an exasperated sigh. He’s on the phone with Liz.

“She’s here, did you text her?”

I could hear Liz’s voice over the phone saying, “I’ve been trying to explain it to you over the phone and you just weren’t getting it.”

He hung up and said in a whiney voice “No matter what I do I can’t change the channel.”

I quickly figured out that the cable box needs to be rebooted and I do it.

The entire time he’s , I know I shouldn’t keep using the word “whine”  but nothing else will describe it, whining that “now you’ve really gone and done it. I won’t be able to watch anything. You really broke it now”

By the time it rebooted and became a functioning TV he was almost crying but he quickly pulls himself together and starts going through the channels happily.

This from a guy who only two weeks ago sent me a picture of himself in a gun store with a giant semi automatic rifle and a big smile on his face.

I personally can’t imagine him using an automatic anything even a semi one without shooting himself in the leg but according to him he’s a crack shot.

Of course according to him he knows how to work his TV.

My sister Marcia and I were talking this morning and I mentioned that my movements age me. For example when I get off a bus  , my new favorite mode of transportation, I hesitate before stepping down.

She was agreeing and saying that last night she watched the movie “Love Is A Many Splendored Thing”.  Two things became clear to her.

1. She was absorbed by them running up and down a long line of steps. All she could think of was how she could never do that.

I agreed. When I watch movies and see people running for long periods of time I say to myself that that’s why I decided not to become a famous movie star.

2. Although she remembered that movie as being good, it stunk.

This morning in the New York Times there was an article about Mystery Science Theatre that was on early cable. It was about a handyman and 2 robots that are trapped someplace and watch B movies and riff about them. I loved that show.

I know this seems like a non sequitur, but what I was thinking was that sometimes things that you remember as great still are or might not be.

Early cable was a mish mash of  good and bad.

Virtually anyone who wanted a show could have one.

One night dave and I were in bed watching two guys who thought they were interesting taking phone calls.

They had a guest who brought a fake tree with a big snake on it.

After long pauses and not much to say, to their delight someone finally called.

“What kind of snake is that?”

The snake guy was so happy that someone was showing interest in his snake that he went into a long discourse about his snake and those snakes in general.

The caller: “Why don’t you shove it up your ass?”

dave and I screamed with laughter. No thirty second delay in those days.

That reminds me. When we got engaged dave promised me a million laughs. Although in our early years it looked like he might deliver, I’d say for the last ten he’s fallen way short of his goal.

And in the last year he’s gone backwards.

The following is a letter that Alexandra, Iris’ granddaughter sent to the family.

November, 2007

Dear family,

I hope you are all doing well. I wanted to write everybody because December 3rd marks 6 months since Grandma passed away, and I would like to do something in her memory. What I thought of, since she would never want everyone getting together to do something sad and sentimental, is for everyone to share a memory of her. If you reply to this email and hit ‘Reply All’, we can all just kind of share some thoughts of her and all be thinking of her at this time. It would mean a lot to me to hear these stories and have them for the future. Something happy preferably, that captures her character and spirit. I love you all and am thinking of you.

Sincerely,

Alexandra

MATTIE

If I were to name Iris’ most endearing trait, it was that though she didn’t love or even like a lot of people, those she did love knew they were loved. We never doubted it for a minute, even if she called us stupid girl or didn’t let us visit when we were ONE BLOCK AWAY FROM HER HOUSE. I knew she had “issues” but she loved me.

In fact I frequently told her that I was so proud that she was my best friend and let me into her inner circle. It was like being friends with a cobra.

JULIE

Okay, here goes. I was at Mattie’s apartment where Iris was staying –convalescing from somthing –and we three were playing cards and talking about how Iris didn’t have any of the scatalogical humor that the rest of us did. A little while into the game she excused herself and went to the bathroom. When she came out, she was laughing so hard she couldn’t talk and it was was because she wanted to tell us something…. She had made a doody in the shape of a question mark.

Thank you.

ZACH

It was kind of odd for me to read Mattie’s depiction of grandma Iris; as someone who didn’t like many people but loved a few deeply. Grandma had said this to me a couple times, but it hits me somewhat more being said by another person. I never had the opportunity to see her from that perspective. I was lucky enough to be born into that inner circle.

What I thought about most six months ago, and to this day, along with her humor (because it appears you could fill endless books with stories, and I love telling them to others), was how she acted toward those she loved. That is, that she would put making others happy before herself in a indescribable way. I can think of her playing Monopoly with me for hours when I was younger because it was my favorite game. She would make sure to let me win every time because it would make me happy. It’s difficult to really emphasize this without being able to show how much she would play with me, over and over and over, even as she was undoubtedly tired and bored of playing a game for hours that she would purposely lose.

I also think of a book I would ask her to read whenever she would visit. It was an incredibly depressing short story of zookeepers trying to put an old elephant to sleep because it was sick, and not being able. They kept trying different methods to euthanize the elephant. I’m not sure why I enjoyed the book so much, other than I was a ten year old boy. Each time grandma Iris read me this story she would break into tears halfway through, but continue until the end. She did this because I wanted to hear the story, even though it made her incredibly sad to read it. Nobody else was willing to read me this story, and with good cause. Yet, she read it to me each time I saw her, for many months, each time breaking into tears.

There are so many more stories that cross my mind, which I’ll leave for another time. I just continue to be amazed that any person could so completely disregard themselves to make someone they love just a little happier.

Its selflessness beyond anything I’ve seen, and I really hold it as an ideal for me to act the way she always would. I know that’s not as lighthearted as other stories, and grandma certainly was funny, but I just want to add something more about her. She would hate letting another person lift a finger for her, but she would do anything for them. I could see how frustrating it would be for my mom and others when she wouldn’t let them help, especially when grandma would do anything for them.

MATTIE

Zachary’s story reminds me of a little story that Iris told me about him.

He was spending the day with her and they went to the veteran’s hall down the street for some kind of function. I don’t have the details of it, just what she told me.

She was entering some kind of contest and when she went up in front of everyone she said to Zach, “Be sure to clap for me.”

The whole time she was up there she said she looked back at him and he was very serious and applauding wildly. She said she felt such a rush of love for him.

I have to admit that whenever I think of Zach I think of that very little boy applauding wildly.

See, Zach, we made her happy too.

MATTIE

Stephanie said I did my story wrong so I’m going to try again.

When I first got married I was having a big dinner party. I called my sister and asked her how to make a turkey.

The next day my doorman said that my sister was in front of my house in her car and she wanted me to come down.

She handed me a fully cooked turkey and a ham.

STEPHANIE

My story is very painful for me to tell as I am going to have to relive my “awkward” teenage years …  as you already know, Mattie used to taunt and tease me about my Casper the Ghost-like features and mom dressed me in kelly green and bright orange Danskins (because they did not have to be ironed and because nobody on this planet bought those colors, they were greatly discounted).  Also I wore glasses that were too big for my face, which instead of a family member confiding in me about, I had to hear it from a stranger. Suffice it to say, I did not have a very good self image.

I had a terrible crush on a boy in high school that I wasn’t even on friendly terms with.  OK, he didn’t know I existed.  Mom would always sit in the kitchen with me after school and give me fattening cake (another way to help improve my image) and talk to me about my day so I told her about this boy.  She asked why I didn’t ask him out and I said I couldn’t possibly, I could not just call him out of the blue.  Mom acted disgusted with me and asked what’s the worst thing that could happen?  He would say no?  I couldn’t figure out if she was giving me good advice or bad and sat there hesitating. Finally she said, “Do you want me to call for you, for Christ’s sake?”  I said ok …

Well, she gets on the phone and asks for Jerry Brophy.  And says, “This is

Stephanie Egener.  Would you like to go to the movies with ME AND THE KIDS?”

Just like a mom would say.  ME AND THE KIDS.  When Jerry asked who were the

kids, my mom could not even think of my friend’s names, so she said “Guess.”

Like she was being coy.  Well, he put the phone on hold for what seemed like

eternity and when he came back on he said that he had to babysit – sorry.

So, anytime I saw him in the hallway I would try to slink by looking down at my schoolbooks pretending to read.  He never said anything to me for the entire school year but every now and then I would see him looking at me from the corner of his eye wondering what kind of mutant I was.

I guess this isn’t a very loving memory of mom but it sure as hell is a powerful one.

MATTIE

“…as you already know, Mattie used to taunt and tease me about my Casper the Ghost-like features…”

I have to defend myself on this. It wasn’t just me. Your mother was in on it. True I’m the one who pointed it out. Steph was wearing a Caspar mask and when she took it off she looked EXACTLY the same. We kept having her put it on and take it off. We were screaming with laughter. Iris and I thought it was alright because Steph was really (we thought) too young to know we were laughing at her.

JULIE

Caspar isn’t unattractive.

MARCIA

Well, I have one story from when I was little.  I was in kindergarten and we were all checked for head lice, because there was apparently an epidemic.  Lo and behold!  I had ’em.  Well, grandma pearly bought the stuff to get rid of it, but she was too busy playing cards, so my big sister Iris applied the shmink and then combed it through with a fine comb.  She just took care of me.  In fact, when I started school, she was the one to bring me into my class and tell me she was in the fourth grade if I needed anything.  She was a very good big sister.

TERESA

What a wonderful idea Alexandra!

When Max was born Iris came out to Oregon to see the little guy and to help me, Barry & Evan.

She was always so generous with her support and treating the “grandchildren” to Toys-R-Us, yummies, etc.  She decided to take Evan to get a new toy at toys-r-us and she insisted on driving there with Evan so I could have a nap or whatever.  I gave her directions to the store, but forgot to give her directions to get back home.  She called from the store and let me know that is a good way to get rid of “my mother-in-law and my son.”

RANDY

When Mom and I went to Holland, she ordered marijuana off the menu “thinking” it was tea, while I checked my email at an Internet cafe. She was very upset to find out that I cancelled her order. She would have been happy to smoke so early in the morning. She loved the sex museum and the torture museum. She wanted to spend more time in the Red Light District, and she wanted to visit several sex shops. Your grandma was a drug addict and sex maniac. That’s all I have to say….Ran

MARCIA

I have another one.  When Iris and Phyllis were teenagers they shared a bedroom.  One morning, quite early, they were having a fight: “I’m prettier,”  “No, I’m prettier.”  It went on for quite some time, until Grandpa came tearing into their bedroom with his hair standing on end, and yelled SHADDUP!

Those were the good old days.

LAURA

Mom was the prettiest. Sorry Lenes’s

MATTIE

We all (the sisters) had very defined personnas.

Iris was the smart one.

Phyllis was the pretty one.

Marcia was the sweet one.

And I was a happy combination of all of the above.

Case closed.

MARCIA

SHE MAY HAVE BEEN, BUT SHE WAS THE SMART ONE, PHYLLIS WAS THE PRETTY ONE, I WAS THE GOOD ONE AND MATTIE WAS THE BABY.  WE HAD OUR ROLES.

RANDY

In our family….

Barry was the smart one

I was the crazy one

Steph was the evil one

Laura was the good one

I don’t know how my kids “slot” each other, but I would say….

Alexandra is the loving one

Jessie is the adventurous one

Zach is the smart one

Sorry, but I have to say that my mom was MUCH prettier than Phyllis. And she also had all the brains, though she couldn’t play cards for shit. I was always stuck as her partner in spades, and it was painful. She had NO card sense at all, but she could play a mean game of Scrabble (though she still lost to me because I memorized all the 2 and 3 letter words, and she didn’t)….Ran

ALEXANDRA

I haven’t had a chance yet to share on here, and I’m so happy that so many people are taking part. One story I love:

Grandma Pearl apparently bought each of her daughters a vibrator.

Grandma didn’t know what it was for, so she put it against her face, since she thought maybe the vibrations were good for your skin…

One thing I want to do with my children someday: Grandma would fill a garbage bag with air popped popcorn and we’d bring it to the beach and feed the seagulls. It is amazing to a child to be surrounded by tons of seagulls and be able to beckon them with popcorn from a garbage bag. And then we’d pop another bag to bring to the movies the next day, because we are NOT spending 4 dollars on popcorn!

MARCIA

I remember the vibrator story.  Grandma Pearly would go to a wholesale drug place in the Bronx, before all the drug outlets we have now.  She would buy four of everything, one for each of us.  The vibrators came in colors.  Mine was blue.  Noone ever mentioned the vibrator’s use to her.  She would have plotzed!

ALEXANDRA

I just wanted to wish everyone a happy Thanksgiving. It had been hard for me to think about having Thanksgiving without Grandma there, but I made her sweet potato casserole with marshmallows on top, and my mom made the green glob, and I know I was thinking of her, so it felt to me like she was there in spirit. If anyone still has anything they’d like to share, I’d love to hear it.