I’m still working on that be happy thing but my own loser personality fights me all the way.

I know dave and shitface are leaving for the boat tomorrow. By the way that’s the only thing of mine she’s welcome to with my blessings.

I started thinking that when Jim picked up dave’s things to put in storage, one of the clothing bags had boat clothes in it.

These clothes are treated to protect him from sunburn. He burns terribly.

I couldn’t stop myself from sending him an email telling him where that bag was.

I was a little ashamed to tell my sister that I did that but she just said “You can’t change who you are and being mean won’t make you happier”

The funny thing is that I gave it so much thought but his response was “If I have time I’ll pick it up, if not I’ll make do” of course he thanked me.

I have a happy plan for tomorrow.

Julie, Violet and I are going on an adventure. We don’t know where we’re going but it will be fun and it will be in the car.

We may even go to another land, New Jersey.

Julie told me not to blog it or tweet it because everyone will be so jealous they’ll kill us so mum’s the word.

I’m going to turn over a new leaf.

I was thinking this morning that I will stop being so sad. It really isn’t doing anything to improve my situation.

Say my life really does turn out shitty. Being sad before that happens won’t help.

And if my life gets great then I wasted a bunch of time.

One of the things I’ve been sad about was the prospect of being poor.

However things that I’ve already done to cut costs that I thought would be upsetting turned out to be a big nothing.

I cancelled 2 phones. So what.

I stopped buying clothes (except for that red sweater that I returned). If I ever get around to cleaning out my drawers I’m sure I’ll find stuff I haven’t worn in years.

I stopped using paper plates and Bounty. I lived.

I have been buying cheaper toilet paper. No big deal.

Besides dave was the one who always wanted soft toilet paper. I guess he thought it was too hard to stuff up the toilet with the cheap kind.

I’m going to be a happy fish from now on.

Yep. I’m looking at the bright side.

For example my ipad is acting up but am I dwelling on that?  Even though I feel like flinging myself against the wall screaming. Nope, I won’t give it a thought.

Instead I’ll be all happy because Julie and Violet are coming for dinner.

I am burning the roast chicken beyond recognition so they’ll feel at  home. The kid might complain a bit but I know Julie will love it.

I cook just like my mother and her mother, my sister.

I just put the meat thermometer into the chicken and it stopped at 200. Another 20 minutes and it should be just right.

I like my food to be black, just like my clothes.

I returned my red sweater.

too soon.

Maybe after awhile I’ll look into something navy.

I think today may be a good day.

I received a paper in the mail saying that Bloomingdale’s was giving out a free moisturizer.

Can’t let that pass by. Remember my crying jag at Clinique?

I wanted to get to the store when it opened so I wouldn’t miss it.

I was about 10 minutes early so to kill a little time. I went to the drugstore across the street to buy little aspirins.

I decided to start taking them because one of the things I was thinking about after dave left yesterday is that if I get sick in the night I’m on my own.

When we were on the boat a few years ago I got up at about 2 a.m. with dizzy spells. I woke up dave and we went to the emergency room.

This was Marathon Florida and the emergency room was empty. dave stayed with me and held my hand the whole time and  the doctor and nurse never left my side. It turned out that I had walking pneumonia.

For  a person who is terrified of doctors, it was a very calming and reassuring experience. I even wrote the hospital a thank you note and they wrote back thanking me for my thank you note.

I’m sure that happens in New York all the time.

Anyway I’m going to have to fend for myself now.

Back to my good day.

As long as I had a little more time to kill, after buying the aspirins I went into the magazine store and bought lottery tickets.

The guy in the store gave me a lottery ticket case ABSOLUTELY FREE!

By that time Bloomies was open and I went to get my face cream.

It was a BIG jar of hundred dollar Lancome cream!

Could it get any better???

I gotta believe that my lottery numbers will be gold today.

I really need to clean out my drawers and closets.

I wrote this sentence last night. I was going to tell  you about all my clothes being black but I have to tell you something else first.

dave is coming over this morning.

he wants me to sign something so he can get the boat re- registered.

I’m sitting here all made up with earrings on trying to look like I have somewhere to go.

I don’t ever remember signing the boat registration before so I’d better be on  my toes.

I’ll let you know what happens.

Meanwhile, i was talking about my closets and drawers.

Since everything is black I have no idea what I have. I’ve been wearing black since the 60’s except for my wedding day when I should have.

What I’m going to have to do is empty everything out and label my drawers, long sleeve, short sleeve, dressy, etc.

I’ll throw away anything that isn’t perfect or pretty perfect. I might even find something new that I never wore.

When I used to have money if it was black and it was cute, I bought it.

I know that this sounds boring but it has a point.

When I went shopping with my sister the other day I bought a red sweater. I thought that was a great sign.

Back to dave.

It was very civilized.

Since the boat is in both our names he needed me to sign the form in order to re-register it. My lawyer told me to have him take my name off the registration. I told him this but neither of us could figure out how to do it.

Finally I suggested that I write a letter asking to have my name removed and when he gets to the motor vehicle bureau he can submit it and see if that works.

In case it doesn’t I signed his form so he can get the registration. I know what you’re all saying. I should have listened to the lawyer but it doesn’t matter if my name is on it for now and crazy as it seems I trust him.

When we talked about the finances and the separation I cried. I hated myself for that.

Maybe it’s too soon for the red sweater.

I haven’t been able to write for a few days because my sister was visiting and we spent every second looking at each other doing whatever it was we were doing.

I think dave is in town.

I don’t feel safe in my apartment now.

Not because he would ever hurt me physically but he could show up at any moment. This would be much worse. He could invade my space.

I’ve been anxious for days.

While he was away the worst thing he could do was send me an email which would ruin my day.

I could not open the email. But I’d never do that.

Another thing is that I knew I should be taking care of business, our finances can’t be divided until I get them all organized. I kept thinking I had time.

Time’s up.

And this being just my home feels good.

The sheets only have my scent on them.  I like that. This surprises me because in the past when dave went to Japan I’d sleep on his pillow and breathe in his scent until I knew he landed safely.

If I take a nap. I pick up rupert and we get into bed. When dave was here I’d never want him to see me do that. If I fell asleep in my chair that was more acceptable to me.

There are a lot of little things like that that make this apartment my own, this life my own, something I never thought I wanted.

I just had a creepy thought. Maybe I’m so anxious because it’s been 3 months. he’s in my city and doesn’t even miss me enough to call or come over.

Today’s my birthday.

Steph called this morning and said “Your blog should be really happy today because it’s your birthday”.

Even though I had a great day planned, I didn’t feel so happy then but I didn’t want to make her sad so I lied and agreed.

I think it’s because the first email I got was from dave.

On the subject line it said “happy”

and in the body of the email it said “birthday”.

Without my reminding him the guy never remembered my birthday when he was here but it didn’t matter then.

This just brings home that I MUST finish this thing because every contact with him no matter how benign is toxic to me. (the word “toxic”,  ick)

Intellectually I don’t blame him. He got the chance for a better life with more excitement and romance and he took it.

His choice of a crappy rat faced slut from another land doesn’t diminish his quest.

I did say “intellectually” didn’t I ?

Because in reality I resent him greatly. If I had had any idea that this was a possibility I would have prepared for it better.

For example I would have had my apartment painted. I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN AN IPAD 2 AND AN IPHONE4S !! (sorry for shouting)

Now I’m sitting in this dingy rathole with last years ipad and an iphone that when I tell it to call my sister Marcia, it dials Steve Gadd.

I’m sure there are other things I would have done but I can’t think of them now.

Anyway my morning sucked.

BUT then I met Julie for lunch.

She never fails to cheer me up. We had salads and wine and worked  out the problems of the world.

She said about 15 smart things that I was planning on putting in my birthday blog when I got home but I can’t remember any of them.

Lemme tell ya though folks. They were gold. I have a vague memory that one of them was so smart that we high fived each other.

I wanted to hang around to pick Violet up at school so I could hug her, a treat for anyone, birthday or not, but I felt it was important for me to get home in time to freshen up or catch 40 winks(whichever comes first) for my evening activities which are sure to be delightful.

Last year we… I don’t remember but I know it wasn’t as good as today.

By the way, on my way home I saw the director of JFK, what’s his name? on Central Park South.

Like most people I’ve always been afraid of the dentist.

After a long time without taking proper care of my teeth I went to a dentist recommended by a woman in my building. It was her daughter.

She was perfectly nice and very competent but while I was sitting in the chair I heard the voice of the dentist in the next room. It was so familiar and comforting that at that moment I would have given anything to be his patient.

I knew that this would be impossible because you can’t change to another dentist in the same office. But then, after a bit of thought, I figured  difficult, not impossible.

So I made dave make an appointment with that dentist. After he went to him a few times it was only logical that a husband and wife should go to the same dentist.

The first dentist never willingly spoke to me again even if I met her in my elevator when she visited her mother. I couldn’t blame her.

Now remember I did all this without knowing one thing about his ability.

I’ve never been sorry. I’ve been going to him since 1990.

He’s never hurt me and he kisses me on the lips hello and good bye. A win win if I ever saw it.

He once stood on his feet for 9 hours with few breaks because I didn’t want to go home with any gaps in my mouth and I’d have to do that if he broke it up into 2 or 3 days which is what any other dentist would have done.

And kindness breeds kindness. I really liked everyone in his office.

For years I’ve been having my teeth cleaned by the same woman. I won’t give her name because she’s a very private person.

When I first met her there was  a calm and light coming out of her. She spoke of her family and her old dog with such affection.

I remember thinking how lucky they all were to be surrounded by her warmth.

She loved to read. She recommended books to me and I did the same for her. After I gave her Julie’s first book we had a lot more to discuss because it talks about my family.

But more importantly I really liked her and she seemed familiar to me.

I only got my teeth cleaned when she was available.

Then one day I got there and the light was gone. She had suffered a terrible tragedy and only the shell of the woman I knew was there. Again, she’s a very private person so I won’t give any details.

A year passed. Each time I saw her her eyes were still empty. You could see that she was simply existing. Not joining in with friends, not really doing anything even reading for the longest time probably because any form of pleasure seemed like a betrayal of all she’d lost.

As time passed however she started coming back to herself. Never quite herself, but close.  The kind of light that this woman possesses can’t be extinguished, it can be lowered for a period of time but it can never be lost.

She had other people and things to live for and the heart in her couldn’t remain cold to them forever.

When I told her about what happened to me and dave, I was surprised at her strong reaction. In spite of the obvious fact that my story was chickenshit next to hers she empathized with me . She seemed even madder at dave than I was.

What made me talk about this now?

I had my teeth cleaned today. My teeth are so sensitive that I hate doing that more than root canal but when I sat in that chair and looked up at my friend I felt calmer.

I hope time gives her the peace she so deserves.

And I hope that someone gives dave a fat lip and a noogie. She’d like that.

My head aches from all the thinking I’ve been doing over the holidays.

I wrote a letter to my lawyer today with all my wishes in the settlement department.

Since she has absolutely no sense of humor I left off the choking him until he’s unconscious and not in the sex way.

Besides everyone has told me that since she charges so much, each joke probably costs me 30 bucks. I should learn to speak to her in twitter -speak, b/c instead of because etc.

I’ve also gotten a few suggestions to change the name of my blog from 67anddumped to “67 and finding the new me”  or some such shit.

Not gonna happen.

Being dumped at 67 will not define me but it will always be a part of me.

It has begun an important and unexpected chapter either for good or bad and I have no choice but to own it and move forward.

I know I am both looking forward to and fearing what comes next. I also know that I’m happier than I would have been if it had never happened.

Except for my sisters dying, this is by far the worst thing that ever happened to me in my life and that includes sneezing and farting at the same time in the second grade in front of Richard Sheslow and David Gillis during Assembly and believe me that was no picnic.

By the way, I also hate the term “define me”.

My new year’s eve activities:

Liz and David got their evening cancelled at the last minute because their friend Ian’s son got sick.

Since those plans were no more, rather than cook we went out to our favorite new chinese restaurant next door, Land of Plenty. We really had fun.

Although I intended to pay for myself, Liz forced David to pay for me which he reluctantly agreed to do at first but then became a real mensch when we got there. He just told the waiter “We’re not going to order, just surprise us”.

I’m not sure I’d order owl or turkey beaks cooked in fig newtons again but it did make the evening memorable. And snake for dessert can’t be beat.

Of course he did have to fake a recurrence of his back pain after hearing that the first restaurant we picked  was charging $46 for a chop.

The thing I love about him is that he accepts himself totally. When Liz and I accused him of faking it he just laughed. You can’t hurt this guy’s feelings.

Anyway we were in really good spirits when we got home. Both Liz and I had more to drink than we should have and we both wanted to go right to bed.

David was in a real happy mood and was begging us to continue the party with some champagne. He kept insisting that even if I passed out on the way home (One door down) no one would mind if I slept it off on the floor in the hall until morning.

Anyway I went home. In very good spirits. Until..

I got an email from dave saying “Happy New Year. I truly wish you a good new year. dave”

I ran right back to Liz and David’s house. I have to admit it made me cry.

I could give a million reasons why. It’s impersonal, any contact with him is painful. he’s spending his new years eve with her, it sounded like a final good bye. Whatever.

I sat around with Liz and David feeling sorry for me for awhile and then I went home. As I was leaving David said to me. “If you get sad, come back”. Actually he slurred it but the sweet thought was there. ( He hates if I write anything nice about him)

After I got home I started thinking, poor dave, he was damned if he did and damned if he didn’t. He knew writing to me was a risk but if he let the new year begin without a word he would be deemed a heartless prick.

Nothing he could have written short of begging me to take him back would have been greeted kindly and though he probably doesn’t know it, that wouldn’t have been so good either.

Anyway the evening started on a happy note and ended a little sadly for me UNTIL…

A few minutes before midnight my phone rang and it was Lew Soloff wishing me a happy new year and telling me he loves me.

I went to sleep with a smile on my face.