From the time I was little I’ve had the same nightmare.

I am being chased by a clown and an Ice cream cone.

When I was married my husband had a band that played every Monday night.

On those nights we’d come home very late and  watch television in bed before going to sleep.

There used to be a show that would take one year and show newsreels from that year.

On this fateful night they were doing 1946.

When they got to the Macy’s Day Parade I jumped up.

There was my Ice cream cone and my clown.

It was just before my third birthday.

Lesson?

Go out for Chinese food on Thanksgiving.

I bet you people didn’t think I could get scientific.

It’s not easy coming up with something when every day is the same.

If you think this is boring wait until next week. I’m thinking of doing my laundry.

Maybe I’ll mix up my colors and whites.

That should be a laugh riot.

A bit of Zen. I may have shown you this before but it deserves a second show. It’s my Super fixing my sink.

I am assuming that all of you are incredibly curious about what my life was before I became famous.

Maybe not famous. Maybe looked up to.

Not so much looked up to as having my doorman calling me by my first name.

Well there is a new guy who calls me 18A but he’s only part time.

Anyway.

I was a social worker in the South Bronx for 11 years.

As I was and am very beautiful you can imagine that that was not easy.

However I was actually quite good at it.

I once stopped a gang fight.

It wasn’t like now with machine guns and bazookas.

These kids only had chains and knives.

I got in between them and and if I may, “speechified”.

You see I wasn’t in that much danger because I knew most of their mothers.

I began with  the importance of using your words and moved on to choosing your battles.

By the time I got to “In the great words of…” about 40 minutes later most of them had wandered off.

I had actually bored them out fighting.

A skill I have honed into perfection.

That wasn’t my first choice of a career.

I wanted to be a cop but I thought I might have to run so I put that on my back burner.

Who would have thought that I’d become a marvelously successful lyricist ?

Of course most of my songs were recorded in Japan by people who couldn’t speak english so I could have written “I’m in love with my shoe” and I would have been just as successful.

Now that I think of it I wasn’t that successful.

That’s a bummer.

I guess I’ll just go to Zen

Because I seem so together but I’m really getting jittery with this whole Corona thing.

In fact seeing trump in the face mask factory wearing goggles and no mask made my “He’s such a schmuck” move on to “OMG this monster is responsible for getting us through this”.

I don’t know why this in particular did it. Maybe it’s the straw on the camel’s back thing but my growing anxiety made me do a face time with my wig picker who has come out of retirement because she’s afraid her nuts will storm the City.

(I think that’s what you call a run on sentence)

Anyway it was good talking to her and seeing her. I even got to see her cat and  I let her see Debby.

In fact I felt such a personal connection that I was thinking of dropping my friend Susan and making her my best friend.

That is until she charged me 250 samonllians.

Susan is free and she doesn’t have a fuckin’ cat.

My shrink did give me some good ideas.

She said I should try to be more active so I  picked up an apple core that I dropped on Tuesday.

She also advised me to eat healthy which I already do. Hello? Apple core?

She also told me not to dwell on the present but to think of things in the past that have given me pleasure.

That immediately brought to mind what I have always considered the perfect insult.

In an effort to cheer her up my sister Marcia mentioned to someone she knew slightly who was bemoaning her second divorce that our sister Iris had married her second husband and was very happy.

The woman asked Marcia “Does your sister look like you?”

“Yes” Marcia said.

“Well if she could get 2 husbands I can certainly get 3.”

Drum roll.

Because when I was asked to remember something pleasant the first thing that came to mind was something mean I may need this moment of Zen more than you do.

And other surprises that come along with this Corona Virus.

For example this isolation stuff might be right in my wheelhouse.

I’ve been dying my own hair since I was 14 and I’ve always been right on top of it.

I didn’t even remember what color my natural hair was.

I have plenty of hair dye in my house but have I been using it? No.

Even though I’ve finally discovered it’s grey I couldn’t give less of a shit.

Who’s gonna see me? My doorman when I take Debby out?

I gave up the idea of tapping that ever since he showed me a huge tattoo of 4 of his 6 children on his back.

Doing laundry?

A thing of the past.

I wear one dress on my dog walks and the second I get home I put on one of my many shmattas WHICH are cleaned whenever I take a shower.

(You remember the promise I made to my Super never to be naked. I”m a woman of my word.)

Group gatherings?

!’ve never been good at parties.

I have absolutely no ability for small talk.

I usually sit near the peanut M&M’s and sip my cocktail until it’s a reasonable time to leave then I beat it.

I was better when my friend Liz lived down the hall.

We once went to a party and I saw her walk over to an older woman and say “What a lovely hat” and the two of them chatted away.

So I started complementing people on their hats and I will say it improved my party personality.

But Liz moved to Santa Fe and people stopped wearing hats and anyway all I had down the hall was her republican, racist ex fiance who wouldn’t know a nice hat if he was wearing one.

The only thing he could teach me as an ice breaker would be “Nice tits” or some joke where the punch line would his latest slur for Mexicans or Jews.

So I’m just as happy not going to parties and people  are just as happy not to invite me.

So we are both left with this…Zen

That’s just one of the things I’ve learned about myself during the isolation of my confinement.

I gotta say that I pretty much had life aced before all this but having every day be exactly the same has opened me up to notice little things that might have passed me by while I was busy taking showers, combing my hair and changing my clothes.

For example, did you ever notice that your thumbs don’t wrinkle at the same rate as your toes?

And you can get Amazon to deliver almost anything except body parts.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want any body parts at the present time but I am on a fact finding mission and who knows what the future holds.

Anyway this could go on forever and everybody can use an extra spleen.

And besides I have a sister, nephews, nieces and cousins who would be glad to give me whatever I need.

I used to be quite the social butterfly so this isolation is really putting a crimp in my style.

Once or twice a month I’d go to Brooklyn with my two friends Ronnie and Susan. Susan lives there.

Anyway we’d live it up.

Lunch and Stop N Shop.

Once in awhile we’d go crazy and get mani pedis.

And many Sundays Julie and her family would come over for dinner.

They were perfect guests because when I’d say “Go Home”, they’d jump up mid bite and race to the door.

All except Dan, Julie’s husband.

It seems that the goyim can’t leave a house without peeing first.

Anyway it worked for all of us. They could be home by 6 and I could take a shower (people used to do that then) and watch whatever housewife show was on the boob tube.

Those were crazy times.

Well at least I can give you…Zen

OR what I’ve learned during this confinement.

First of all you can buy a new cd of the Best of the Everly Brothers to play in your car but you can get quite a bit of joy just looking at it all new in the wrapper on your dining room table.

When you live alone you don’t have to change your sheets every time you find a bit of meat loaf in them.

Make up???

I went to Sephora with my sister and bought some new things to enhance my natural beauty just before the shut down.

Still unopened.

I thought I really didn’t need it but when I went out to walk my dog I pulled my mask down to adjust it and my doorman suggested it wouldn’t kill me to put on a drop of blush .

Exercise is very personal.  It’s not all push ups and knee bends. Sometimes it’s just walking across the floor without touching any dog chews.

And who says you have to comb your hair every day?

I mean if you’re doing a video chat, okay. But my new style of waist length knots seems to look pretty rad (I think that means “perky”. I heard it on TMZ and I thought “Why not? I’m not 100. I can still get down with the kids)

I think that’s enough for today…..Zen

They can’t all be movie star perfect.

Of course I was wearing a mask, glasses, gloves, galoshes and leggings.

Obviously I didn’t go to Whole Foods because Debby is banned from that store and I had to bring her with me for 2 reasons.

One it was her walk time and two she had to pick out the olives she likes.

You wouldn’t want to be at the end of that tongue lashing if you bring home those ones with the blue cheese in them.

Being a woman alone I’m constantly trying to think of ways to increase the coffer.

I’ve always been very good at knowing what the next big thing was.

I was wearing my hair in a flip long before someone suggested that it would be a good idea to turn  that page boy upside down.

Maybe that’s why I joined the Debby Boone fan club while Pat was still taking bows for “April Love”.

Anyway here’s what I think.

We’ll be wearing these masks for a long time so you probably think the next big thing will be eyebrows and ears.

Well you’d be wrong.

The next big thing?   BELTS!

Don’t blame yourself for not seeing it. Not everyone can think outside the box.

And not just ordinary belts. No.

Belts with your home town and your weight on them.

Because after staying home for months, being fat will be the new “thing”.

Like I said. I’ve always been ahead of the curve.

Now Zen

And getting too little credit?

For most of you I might as well be speaking Romulan but for me it’s a very real problem.

I may have to go back awhile.

You all know Barbara Gips. She wrote the iconic line “In Space No One Can Hear You Scream”.

Barbara Gips has been a household name for ages. She’ll surely be in some kind of history book and she’s probably raked in billions of dollars from it.

Well let me let you in on a little secret.

Barbara is my FIRST cousin.  Not second or third.

The night before she wrote that line we were on the horn just chatting.

So Barbara sez to me.

“I’ve been screaming Phil’s name, that’s her husband, for 15 minutes and he doesn’t answer.”

And I sez “Well he must be in space cause…..” You guessed it.

Not even a thank you.

And I was married to a musician for almost 40 years.

Do you think he wrote all that shit himself?

I can’t count on all my fingers and toes the times he’d come into the bedroom (I was always a big TV watcher) and ask ” Should this be a Ta da or a Doodle de Do?”

But is my name on those score sheets? No.

And if  you think that you would have ever heard of Buddy Rich, Allan Schwartzberg or Steve Gadd if I hadn’t told each of them individually to ease off on the cymbals you’re crazy.

Dr. Gadd my ass. It should have been Dr Mattie.

The list goes on and on.

But anyway Zen

Stay safe.

Now you’ll probably stay safe and not even give me credit for telling you to stay safe.

Plus being a Democrat in a Democratic State isn’t putting myself in the best position at the present time to get more.

I’m not sure that those words are capitalized but if they aren’t and you’re thinking I’m dumb you can go fuck yourself.

(See? I’m getting low on pills already)

Back to the Democrat thing.

I’m thinking of becoming a republican, at least until it’s time to vote.

I’m going to have to dig deep but maybe not THAT deep.

For example bigotry.

If you’re really honest everyone hates someone.

For example I’ve never really likes Swedes.

A lot of them say yust instead of just.

Bigotry-check

Dumb- I got that capitalization thing above. check.

And as far as pushing for a wall around the USA. I’m all for it.

It seems that people can just put a ladder against it and climb over so it’s no skin off my back.

Wall- check

I’d prefer not to wear one of those red hats because I do still live in NYC and I don’t want to get punched in my mask when I walk my dog.

Before I go all in I’d better check if you HAVE to inject Clorox.

First of all who has Clorox ?

I’d better get some mere crazy pills soon.

This Zen is for me more than you.

I put my slacks on one leg at a time. Even in these difficult times

I’m dealing with every day being the same just as you are.

I wake up

Scream into the toilet for 2 or three minutes

Wash

Change from my night nightgown to my day nightgown

Teach my dog to trot

Have my coffee

Repeat.

Just like all you regular Joes.  Well the ones with dogs anyway.

But this is starting to get old. Like I said every day is the same.

I don’t think this is going to go back to normal anytime soon so I’ve got to put on my thinking cap and figure a way to add some variance to my days.

Got it.

I’ve decided to make each room taboo for one day of the week.*

For example, on Tuesday the living room will be  persona non grata.

Then the kitchen, bathroom, bedroom, Gift wrapping room, Shoe suite and finally the room where I keep my stuffed swans.

Is that 7? Yes that’s 7.

The bathroom is a tough one but if you notice I put the kitchen day just before it so if I also don’t drink anything I’m golden.

That will make each room that much more delightful when I can re enter it.

*for those of you in one or two bedroom apartments you can, I don’t know, part your hair on different sides or something.

Sometimes I can’t believe how my mind comes up with something just when I think I’ve hit the bottom of the barrel.

Now back to the drawing board.

But first, Zen

Stay safe.