As most of you know I get the majority of news on Facebook, TMZ and Twitter.

(Actually I only check Twitter sporadically because those people are a bit S-N-O-O-T-Y.)

Well the other day I read something on Facebook that I hope and pray was true. I think it was from either Tom “Bones” Malone or Will Lee.

It said that they were hard at work on a cure for the virus in the White House and that everyone should send their stool samples to:

The White House

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW

Washington, DC 20500

At first my heart soared with hope but then I wondered if someone was playing the rascal.

So I decided to get to the bottom of this.

As I might have mentioned, I mention so many things, president trump used to live in my neighborhood, New York.

I decided to use that card in reaching him directly and getting to the bottom of this.

I got right through.

Now I always thought he was stupid, a liar, racist, a narcissist, insane and did I say dumb? I guess stupid covers that.

Anyway I got a slightly different opinion when I spoke to him.

I can’t quote directly but here’s the gist of what he said.

He’s fed up with these so called “doctors” pussy footing around instead of developing a cure for this pandemic. (He did giggle behind his hands when he said “pussy”)

So he and the My Pillow guy put their heads together and decided to make one themselves.

He picked the My Pillow guy because he had gotten a B= in Biology in his high school in Utah or wherever.

True He had killed a cat but I think that’s only because his high school ran out of frogs.

He said they were really making headway (he giggled again at “head”) but they needed more doody (another giggle).

I can only give you the information. Do with it what you will.

BTW it takes 2 stamps.

Now Zen

Stay safe.

Let’s say I don’t die of this virus.

I’m thinkin’ I’m gonna have to plan something to do with my life when things go back to normal.

After all people are going to want to go out.

My terrace show won’t be as needed then even though every night at the same time all the people in surrounding apartments clap and bang pots as if to say:

“Mattie Sama, ( only Japanese people will realize what high regard the “Sama” shows me)

Ahem “Mattie Sama, I know you need time to prepare your performances and heaven knows they are perfection but do you need to take the entire weekend off to rehearse?  We are locked in our houses and want, nay need, something to look forward to”

Well fans, the truth is I am not rehearsing. I am rejuvenating. I am putting my many talents in a box for 2 days and when I take them out they will be refreshed and once again be anxious to G-I-V-E.

Wait! Maybe I spoke too soon.

Maybe I’ll hear from some benefactor (Hello Joseph Papp)for me to come into one of those empty theaters to entertain.

I’m assuming that many of those actors have taken up other trades and they’ll be dying for something impressive to fill that void.

I’ve gotta go now.

Be patient fans  Monday will come soon enough and I’ll be back “on the boards”

Now I have to rush down and check the mail.  It’s entirely possible that some Producer will jump the gun and contact me at this early date.

But first…Zen

I should have been more prepared.  I’m smarter than that.

Last night I had a dream that I was playing the ukulele to a crowd of thousands.

It looked really easy.

When I woke up I realized why oh why didn’t I get a ukulele in preparation for this incarceration (a harsh word but that’s what it is)

I know I could figure out how to play one.

It’s only got a couple of strings.

Look at all I’ve taught myself in this short time.

I started only knowing tap dancing.

Then I perfected mime. If you recall I learned how to put myself in an invisible box. Well since then I’ve perfected the appearance of walking up and down stairs.

I’m working on “got your nose” now and it’s almost ready.

And as if the tap wasn’t enough, my ballet is almost ready to perform.

I should be doing Swan Lake (Debby’s going to have to pitch in on this. I can’t be 2 swans at once).  That should be ready within 4 to 6 weeks.

I’ve been watching Allan Schwartzberg and Steve Gadd playing drums for almost 40 years and real close up.

No offense to you guys but that too looks really easy. A chimp could do it.

There is no way I couldn’t perfect that in a day or two.

So I’m thinking with my talent and my can do attitude the uke (that’s what I call it) should be a piece of cake.

Speakin’ of cake, any body got one they could send my way? I’m really jonesin” for some.

I’m afraid that with just the stuff I have in the house and what Fresh Direct has in stock to deliver I won’t make my Sumo weight by the time this is over.

Moment of zen happens to be another of my talents. I’m teaching Debby to read.

Take that Ann Leary! Bet that makes your twirling dog a bit less impressive.

Stay safe.

I’ve decided to take a short break from my terrace show for 2 reasons.

1. It’s a little chilly outside and..
2. The doorman told me that the bitch from 19G got a Fresh Direct delivery and I have no doubt she’s stocked up on Cup O’ Noodles.

So Parforisty, as they say in Lithuania which means for my non multilingual readers, “Don’t forget proper spelling”.

I am going to let you in on a bit of my personal lifenheimer (Croatian)

In the past, every couple of months I’d go with my friend Ronnie to Brooklyn, or Rovenklamer, as you french say, to visit our sweet friend Susan where I would get my hair cut for reasonable rates.

It’s been so long but I’m pretty sure it was $12.

Being a sport, or lickenplatz (Egyptian) I’d throw the guy a twenty, or 11 parsnips.

His name was Tony which was strange for  a Chinese guy who barely spoke english.

Anyway I decided to stop going to him when I noticed how dusty his shrine was and the grapefruit he left for our lady of whatever had seen better days.

Luckily Susan found me another person to cut my hair.

She did a great job even if she was costly. I decided to bite the bullet though and cough up the fifteen klackens (Hawaiian for dollars). I’ve been going to her for a couple of years. Unfortunately I never did catch her name.

Needless to say personal grooming has gone the way of the efinextra (Spanish)

My hair is practically down to my hips.

Luckily I am a brilliant stylist or cramenapper (swedish)

After trying several different styles , all of which enhanced my natural beauty, I finally decided on this.

I call it “The Lanceford”

What do you think?

Well Debby certainly gives it a 4 paws up

Stay safe (english)

I guess it’s just the length of time my world has been crazy.

First we have a president who is incompetent, bigoted and dumb and unfortunately he let the whole world know it so America has lost our position as the Leader of the Free World and become the punchline of a joke.

Now the virus. It’s all going on for so long.

Luckily we have some heroes out there and she will step up and keep your mind off what’s going on free of charge.

(Free of charge while this is going on but  after that applause last week I’m pretty sure my fans will want to start a  Go Fund Me so that I can go back to my Rabbinical and Mime studies)

You may be pleased that since I am positive that this blog will be shown all over the world I’ve taken the liberty of translating much of it into other languages.

I’m not made of the kind of money I would need to hire a translator, however I’ve traveled widely and picked up enough languages to make this readable in any country.

Par ejemplo (see what I did there?), for our friends in England I will use the word shant and blimey a lot.

And don’t be surprised if I go on and on about latkes, rigatoni or those disgusting white sausages they have in Germany.

And don’t think I’m going to ignore smaller places. No Mon I hear my fans in the Bahamas .

I have plenty of time to perfect it.

Anyway I’m working hard to be cheerful while still keeping myself and Debby safe.

In fact I have been working on a mask for Debby.

It’s very intricate and I can make it to fit any dog except Collies, mostly because they think they’re so great.

It’s very similar to mine so we can go as mother daughter. Here it is.

This is her first fitting.

I can make one available for your little fur baby for the low low price of $39.99 or 3,000 pesos or 11 drachmas.

Plus shipping and handling.

Bien Venuto, Las Vegas and Aloha to you all.

Be Safe

It seems that my skirt face masks are being requested like hotcakes.

In fact president trump has asked me to drop 6 or 7 of them a day off at local hospitals to replace the ones that he says the nurses are selling out of the back doors.

In case you forgot what they look like here they are

I’m quite honored that the president has contacted me directly to aid in these catastrophic times.

Well not exactly him. He had the My Pillow guy call me.

He also asked if I could make some lab coats out of my old bathing suits.

How he knew that they were knee length with skirts and would be perfect for the job I have no idea. The walls really do have eyes.

Will this stop my performances?  No.

Will it limit them? Possibly.

But I do have to put the country first.

The president, or the My Pillow guy, assured me that keeping our health care workers safe is his, and should be all of our, 13th priority.

But keep heart. In my spare time I’m working diligently on that one act play I spoke of.

Since I’m so busy saving the country I’ve had to use a stand-in to star in one of the musical numbers.

I’m having her sing “B B B Blue Team” from my days at Camp Highmount’s  color war.

Here’s a peek of the rehearsal.

Mattie do you spend all your time thinking of others???

Do you ever spare a moment for yourself?

The answer is “Not often”

I was forced to today because I had to  pick up a prescription at the drugstore.

And like they say when on a plane put the oxygen mask on yourself before your child because you’ll be no good to that child if you’re woozy.

Therefore I realized that in order to be there for my fans I must “put on the oxygen mask” so  to speak.

While I was on Zoom chat with the Klam family I tried on one of my “keep safe” precautions but my nephew Brian got so upset I decided to save it for a “last ditch” effort.

It is my Cpap mask which covers my nose and mouth very effectively.

Now what’s wrong with that?  Obviously I removed the hose for glamor’s sake.

I haven’t totally given up finding another meal ticket.

But Brian’s reaction was so strong I decided to go another way. A less secure way but I couldn’t stand seeing Brian that upset… or was it disgusted.

Anyway I made my own mask since our shit president doesn’t think New Yorkers are worth keeping alive.

I took one of my most becoming skirts and created, if I may say so, what I’m sure will be next year’s fashion statement.

Just try and tell me I don’t look stunning.

Even Debby couldn’t take her eyes off me.

Stay safe out there.

I had just about decided to quit my terrace shows.

According to the news I have about 2 weeks left to live and why waste my genius on a bunch of ingrates.

I’ve suffered from hoots, soup thrown on me and one ungrateful person in an apartment on 57th Street put a note on his window calling me a fat whore.

All this after I spent the last few days, even through my injuries on writing a one act one woman show with wigs and costumes.

PLUS I learned to yodel.

Well anyway I had just about given up yesterday when I stepped on my terrace and was greeted with all the windows in the buildings surrounding mine opened up and they were all applauding me.

So fans I realize I can’t let you down.

It’s back to the drawing  board.

I’m thinking that this play needs an english accent. Gotta work on that.

And now your moment of zen

I guess I was getting a bit cocky but these dancing feet can’t be stopped.

The music just got to me. The music being a cd of The Ames Brothers doing “The Naughty Lady From Shady Lane”

Anyway I was just at my big finish when I let  go and did one of those flying kicks, you know where you click your heels up first on one side and then the other?

Well I guess because of my busy schedule I haven’t been keeping my place as neat as I should because though kick one went fine, on the other side I came down on one of those leftover noodles from the cup o’soup that the bitch in 19G threw at me on Tuesday and I went down like a ton of bricks or should I say a ton of Divas.

Luckily I only sprained 3 toes, a knee a wrist and a hip which wouldn’t normally stop me. The show must go on.  But the ugly bruise on my nose  will unfortunately mean a postponement of Swan Lake that I had planned for Sunday (Yes fan’s I have decided to try ballet).

I can thank my good friend Carmon DeLeone, Symphony Conductor for that.

He and his lovely wife Kathy faced timed me yesterday and that encouraged me to expand my talents.

Well that’s it for today.

I’m not sure that this is a moment of zen it’s just a clue that my rigorous dog training has become shall we say a bit lax.

My phone rang at around 7:30 am.

It takes me awhile to answer because I have to take off my breathing machine mask ( I snore you know) and my mouth guard (How I never was able to get another husband is beside me).

It was my niece Stephanie.

She wanted to come down and bring me back to her house until this is over.

She said I would be safe and my dog could run around.

To be truthful the only thing about this is that I have tremendous guilt about my dog. I feel like she’d like to go out. But she is paper trained and I do have a terrace.

I think she just misses people to bite.

Everything else is pretty much like my regular life.

Lying like a lump, reading, watching TV and going on Amazon and ordering shit like this piece of crap that by the way crushes nothing.

I don’t know where they got that chopped garlic in the picture.

All mine did was flatten the cloves.

Anyway back to my conversation with Steph.

I explained that I was perfectly safe here.

Also you’ve seen the number of windows in the apartment buildings around me. How could I leave my fans?

Sure I’m risking my life but isn’t that what heroes do?

I’ve decided to limit my performances to twice a week.

Being Producer, Director, Writer and may I say “Talent” is taking it’s toll on me.

(I suspect that you know what I mean Mr Spike Lee.)

It will enable me to make the Extravaganzas greater and greater.

Plus it’s only a matter of time before that bitch in 19G runs out of liquids to pour on me so I can lose the umbrella.

I can’t even tell you how much better my tap dances will be when I can fling my arms around and snap my fingers.

Now your moment of zen