Legal separation ain’t all it’s cracked up to be.

For some reason I’m feeling low as a snake. I feel like my skin is so thin that any decision I make  even good ones stress me out.

I met with my lawyer last week. I was barely listening to her. The whole time I was wondering if she thought I was a schmuck to still be wearing my wedding and engagement rings. Then I had a dream that dave came over with his wife and new baby.  I know I know you people are fed up with hearing about my dreams.

I went to Montauk this weekend with Julie and Violet and Matthew and Lara and Pixie. It was an entire house of Klams. Pretty fitting in Montauk.

The nights were far from restful. True I slept in a king size bed but I had some company, Julie, Violet and their 3 dogs.

Julie sleeps like  a pencil, never moving, Violet sleeps in the middle like a dancing starfish and I sleep on the edge with my sleep mask on which Julie said that whenever she wakes up and looks over scares her. Then the dogs move in and out of the covers constantly stopping only to kiss you like crazy whenever you give signs that you may be waking up. Those signs can consist of any movement at all.

In addition both Julie and I got some kind of stomach thing so we couldn’t drink. That didn’t help either of our personalities.

On the way home we stopped to pick up lunch for Violet and someone stole Julie’s cell phone.

When I got home, David was in his apartment and I couldn’t have been happier to see him. He must have sensed my fragile condition and he was extremely nice to me.

Maybe today will be better.

Miss Liz is home for a few days. then she’s going back to Santa Fe for a short time and then coming back for good.  I really miss her when she’s gone.

Rupe and I went up to Steph’s yesterday to have lunch with Shelby. She’s the creative genius who does the drawings for my blog. I am so lucky to have found her. I’m hoping we can do loads of projects together.

When I got home David told me that Lizzie was having drinks and maybe dinner with people from her office. She didn’t get home until almost 11 and David was sleeping so she came into my house to pick up Rupert and we had cocktails, well Lizzie had a cocktail because she was afraid she was losing her buzz.

We were talking for about an hour when I heard a light tap on the door. I opened the door and there was David in his robe yawning and asking for Liz.

Notice the difference when Liz is in town, a light tap instead of  “Openheimer ze doorhopin” or whatever he yells to summon me in a gestapo voice.

Anyway he came in and sat for awhile. I told Liz that when she is away he knocks on my door every night in his robe and tries to cajol me into opening up.

I reassured her that since my loyalty is with her I just yell into the peephole “Take it someplace else, horndog!”

Being a woman alone makes you fodder for every lonely guy on the make.

Well I’m legally separated.

If this had happened even a month ago I would be feeling terrible but surprisingly I don’t feel bad at all. At least that’s what I think I feel. I am so removed from my true emotions that I never have any idea what my reaction will be to anything.

I sail along thinking the worst is over and out of the blue I get a panic attack. The reverse happens too. I dread something and it turns out to be a piece of cake.

Anyway I told my lawyer to get the divorce going asap.  I’m pretty sure that dave will marry his girlfriend then and if he does I definitely don’t want to know about it so if anyone reading this is invited to the wedding, do not even think of bringing me as your plus one.

I’m very happy to be picking up Miss Liz at the airport today.  She’s coming home for another week and then going back to Santa Fe. Unfortunately this is a very busy week for me so I won’t be able to see much of her. I can’t imagine what she and David will find to do if I’m not around. I hope he has more of those John Wayne movies to show her.

David had a sleepover date last night. It was his friend Ian. Ian had to be in the City to meet up with some out of town friends and he decided to stay at David’s house for the weekend.

Ian and David have been friends for over thirty years. It’s both nice and interesting to be around friends like that.  They obviously love to be together. They know what each other thinks and finish each other’s sentences.

I like to think Susan and I are those kind of friends. Oh wait, there is one difference. When Ian was ready to leave for dinner he made sure he had everything he needed, phone? check, wallet?, check, switchblade?, check. I  don’t remember the last time Susan remembered to bring her switchblade to dinner.  She and I are going shopping today in Nyack. I’d better call and remind her.

If you’re wondering how I got over there last night, I used my limes to get an invite.

David wanted to make margaritas and he called to see if I had any limes. When I brought them over he had no choice but to invite me to join them for cocktails. Since, if I waited until he actually wanted me there, I’d never see him I was more than happy to oblige.

We sat around chatting, well I was chatting and when they could get a word in edgewise they told me about some of their adventures. Almost all of them ended with them waking up drunk and naked girls sleeping it off on the floor.

As I’m a woman alone I was being very careful about my alcohol intake so I could keep my wits about me and fight them off if need be.

Anyway, Ian left and since sometime in the evening I had said that I never saw “Rio Bravo” with John Wayne David decided that my education wasn’t complete if I didn’t watch “the greatest movie ever made”. Luckily he owned it since he likes to watch it weekly.

He put on his giant Deputy Dog hat  because you can’t watch a John Wayne movie unless you’re in costume, and he ran the movie.

When it was over, “one arrow can’t kill the Duke” he decided to send out for chinese food, “on him”. I always know that if I hang around until he has a buzz going I’ll get a free meal.

Since he was in costume (the hat) and he was in western mode, he was forced to order the food in John Wayne’s voice.

I can’t tell you how many times he had to repeat “B as in Bolivar” before the woman who was taking the order realized that the food was being sent to apartment 18B.  And since english wasn’t even her second language, “You betcha” and “That’ll do it, darlin'” made no sense to her at all.

Under normal conditions I’d yell at him for this but  free eats is free eats.

Before I left, I made up the bed for Ian which David thought was totally unnecessary but since even he didn’t know where Liz kept the extra blankets and pillows, how would he expect Ian to know?

I only hope he took his hat off before he went to bed.

Well I got the signed separation forms from dave.

I dreaded this but you know what? All I feel about it is relieved.

I can’t explain it but hearing that he brought her to his family flipped a switch to me. I know, I know it’s his family but they were my family too for 37 years.

Happily I got a comment from my (his) nephew Joe and his wife saying that they still love me. So that’s something. I’ve loved him and his sister since they were babies.

I”m trying to think about why I’m so mad about this. I think it’s because it’s the first time he brought her to my turf. And it wasn’t yesterday, it was awhile ago. I tried to protect myself from this so I tried never to leave my apartment when she was in NYC with him. I also would never have agreed to splitting the house in Montauk unless he said he’d never bring her there. Not everything is logical.

I know I keep saying this but it bears repeating. He was not only my husband but my very best friend for forty years yet he went from “I have something to tell you” to “Now that we no longer have a marriage” in a matter of minutes.From being the person whose sense of honor and truth I would have bet my  life on to a lying shit in less time than that.

Also I could hear the happiness in the tone of my sister in law’s email when she said that he’s keeping them apprised of his doings now. For all our married life he mostly only contacted them when I’d nag him to do it.

When his father went into a home I told dave that if he didn’t call his father before, he was a bad son but if he doesn’t call him now, he’s a bad person. He agreed. He still didn’t call him often but more than he used to.

No matter how happy he is in his new world I know that I was his family before.  This woman may be his one true love but she doesn’t share a culture or a history or even a language. He’s got to fill the void that remained when he eliminated me from his life. That’s why his family and friends are hearing from him now.

They’re welcome to him.

It turns out that David took Cheryl and me to a great restaurant in the Meatpacking District of New York. The restaurant was really fancy and he really put on the charm that is until he noticed that there were a lot of russian women there in sequin mini dresses. Luckily we were almost finished eating because it was only a matter of time before he would start speaking  with a total russian accent . As it was he was able to get out a few Nyets before we left.

Then we took a walk on the High Line, a park on an old elevated train track. It was drizzling slightly and it was really nice.

Yesterday my sister in law told me that dave had visited his family with the new babe.  Any thoughts of my  being over this went out the window when I heard that.  I don’t know why it bothered me so much. It’s his family, not mine.

I should have known that  he had that in mind when he insisted on telling his father about us. I thought that there was really no point because his father is almost 100 and if the past was any sign, he wouldn’t see dave any time soon.  Well I was wrong.

I know I don’t have a leg to stand on but I hate him for that more than for any other thing he’s done.

Up to this point I thought that he doesn’t hate me. he must feel sad to think of me eating dinner alone and being by myself when I’m scared or lonely but now I don’t think so. No that’s not what I think. I think I hate him and I don’t care what he thinks.

He’s no friend of mine.

This is the first cool day after a long really hot spell. It is raining however.

My niece, Cheryl is coming for the weekend so I just went to the supermarket to buy some of the things she likes to eat.

On the way there I said to at least 3 strangers ” I certainly don’t mind this rain after that terrible heat.”

Now if I lived in the south or even one of those middle states between here and LA, that would be perfectly acceptable. Here in New York, no way.

I’m not saying that New Yorkers aren’t allowed to talk to strangers because they are. But only to bitch and then go on their way.

For example if I had said ” We didn’t get enough crap with that heat, now it has to rain?” I could have passed as a local. But with what I said, all I got were blank stares.

And why did I have to say anything at all? Is that what happens when you live alone? You get nutty? Who on earth had to know that I didn’t mind the rain?

Gotta go back to my friend Ernie who said that “Except for an occasional “Watch out”, he hadn’t said anything that had to be said for at least 5 years.” and since he said that 30 years ago I’m assuming the number is now 35.

Now as to what else is new. Liz has been in Santa Fe with her father for the past 2 months except when she came back to get Rupert.

I really was afraid that she was going to stay there because she doesn’t just love her father, she really likes him and they have always been close. Plus the life there is way easier than here.

Of course David is here and most of her friends are here and her job is here and this is her home.

She came back this past week, with Rupie for about 5 days. She went back to Santa Fe this morning.

I was really happy to find that though she will go back to Santa Fe each month, she is returning to NYC to live.

I know I sound selfish but when Liz is here, David can be called ‘eccentric’. Liz softens his barbed wire edges. Without her, not so much.

Although I shouldn’t bad mouth him today because tonight he is taking Cheryl and I out to dinner.  He won’t tell us where so I’m assuming that it’s one of his hee haw Jew hatin’ places that serves a side order of pork on an order of pork but we’ll see.

Oh yeah, another thing, dave has the separation agreement and he says he will sign it and send it to me next week.

I don’t know how I’ll feel when I get it but surprisingly I’m not feeling anything now.

Maybe I’m ready to move on and forget I ever knew him.

I know I’m writing entirely too much about David but I have no choice. Liz is still in Santa Fe with her father and Rupie. dave is in Japan with slutface so he’s my primary playmate.

It isn’t only that, the main thing is that he can be such an asshole that only a fool wouldn’t want to put  it down for posterity.

He came home tonight and as he frequently does, invited me to have a drink with him on his terrace. It was a beautiful night and I brought the shaved Ricotta cheese and he supplied the booze.This time he surprised me by ordering dinner and he paid.

While we were eating he was telling me a story and he used the term  “Jewed him down”.

“That is so insulting” I chastised him

“Why?”  He said “It’s something to be proud of”

“That we’re cheap?” my voice got higher and higher

“No,” he said “That you’re good with money”

And then the capper ” No one says lazy, stupid Jews or pushy ,obnoxious Mexicans”

I’m always impressed by the number of ethnic insults he can lay  on me in a limited amount of time.

And the disgusting thing is that he thought he was complimenting me.

“LLLLIIIIIIIZZZZZZIEEEEE, C’MON HOME!!!

Today I go and pick up the last of the visas for dave’s band’s tour.

I can’t say it was easy. There were about 13 of them and they gave me their passports at all different times so I had to go to the Japanese Consulate almost every day.

That turned out to be lucky because when I had to get 3 of the visas in less than the required 4 working days, namely overnight, they were accommodating because they felt so sorry for me.

Musicians are an interesting lot, almost like babies.

They go on tour where their luggage is cared for, their hotels, transportation, everything is done for them. They’re told where to be and when.

That’s why I wasn’t surprised when even though they travel for a living, one or two didn’t have enough pages in their passports for the visa and they had to rush down to the passport agency and get more put in.

Everybody told me that I shouldn’t be doing this but since I am part of the corporation I  want it to go smoothly.

Besides I made them pay me.

Although it was a lot of work, there was one thing missing from previous tours. Stress.

I hoped it would go well but if it didn’t I didn’t really care.

So the sax player didn’t get a visa? Let the bus driver cover for him

The other day Larry Farrell, the trombone player , emailed me asking what he should wear for the performances.

My answer, “Who gives a shit?”

I’ve known him for a long time so he responded  “Love it.”

I just got an email from David. He’s on another business trip.

It said :

“Just wrote you an email but deleted it before I pushed send. It was a

tasteless diatribe describing a plane load of blind people I just

observed getting off a plane. As you know I like to set the “what will

surely offend most people” bar pretty low. This one however on quick

reflection didn’t even come close.

As you pointed out with reference to my disdain of people pleasuring

themselves in public, I do have some standards.”

I can’t for the life of me figure what he could have written that finally touched his sensibility nerve, something I never thought he had, considering that the last email he sent me praising the efficiency of the guy cutting off people’s heads  didn’t bother him at all.

I cringe to think of what he might have said about the blind people.

Even though he assured Liz that he would no longer send me anything upsetting, when I get a web site from him telling me to check it out, I never never go to it.

I learned long ago that the word “trust” isn’t in his vocabulary.

When I was my most vulnerable, right after dave broke the news to me that he had a girlfriend, I found a disgusting letter from his inamorata that discussed in detail all the things she wanted to lick on him and vice versa .

I couldn’t read it but I showed it to Liz whose only advice was “Don’t let David see this. He’ll read it aloud and torture you with it.”

A few days later David spent the night in the hospital. I don’t remember if it was a broken foot or heart palpitations or what but whatever it was, he was looking very pale and pathetic in his bathrobe sitting in his living room.

Liz was at work and I was keeping him company.

Somehow the letter came up. He asked to see it.

“No” I said “Liz warned me that you would read it aloud and tease me about it. I don’t want to know the details of what it says”

He had a hurt look on his face and said “I would never do that. I know how hard this all is on you. I promise I’ll just read it and not discuss it.”

“I don’t believe you”

“I give you my word. You can trust me”

I kind of felt sorry for him because of what he had been through and I thought it would cheer him up so I finally got the letter and handed it to him, “Remember, you promised”

He took the letter and started reading it. At first he was silent then he burst out laughing and started reading it aloud.

“YOU PROMISED!” I screamed

Again he gave me a surprised look “Clearly I was lying”

When I told Liz on him all she said was ” What were you thinking?”

Beats me.