Last night I went to Julie’s for dinner.

She was worried about the tone of my last blog.

Before my father died I would call him every day. If he was happy in my morning call, I breathed a sigh of relief and the rest of my day went well.

I almost didn’t want to call back later in case he was feeling low.

I know that when I’m feeling good and I write about it, my whole family feels better.

When I have a set back they are sad.

I can’t think about that though because this blog is too important to me.

Recently I read it from the beginning and I could see the improvement. I am sad way less often but lately my sadness occasionally feels like despair.

I will say that now I can push it away and go on. In the beginning I couldn’t.

Someone commented on one of my posts saying,

“If you truly believe that it’s over, then I think you should really put the wheels in motion to get him out of your life for good”

I realized then that though all my friends kept saying ” He’ll see what a mistake he’s made and come back” and “This kind of thing never lasts”, I never believed that.

I knew that morning 6 months ago that it was over. There was no discussion of couples therapy or trying to work on it.

It never even occurred to either one of us.

So my darling Julie, don’t be sad for me.

Although I don’t fully believe it when people say that what’s ahead of me is will be better than the past, it might be.

And I do know it will be better than it is now.

Last night was the first time that I had a dream that wasn’t about getting left behind or rejected. It was about cleaning my house.

One of the musicians we know is coming over on Tuesday. I can’t tell you who he is because he’s famous and I didn’t ask him if I could talk about him.

I really want my house to be neat so he doesn’t pity me for behaving like the Collier Brothers. ( only really old people know who they are. The others have google.)

I remember that a few years ago he and his girlfriend and dave and I went out to dinner. He lives in one of those middle states and we didn’t see them that much.

I really loved this girl and I was getting progressively more annoyed at this guy because she was younger than him and terrific. I felt like he was using up her youth and taking advantage of her.

Finally I couldn’t take it any more. I started yelling at him for wasting the girl’s time if he wasn’t serious when they both started laughing and told us they had just gotten married. I just mumbled something like oh, then never mind. In spite of that he stayed my friend.

I’d like to say it was unlike me to butt my nose into someone else’s business but anyone who know me knows that isn’t true.

dave used to say that his job in this marriage was rebuilding the bridges that I burned.

Well I’m learning how to rebuild my own bridges, fuckface.  Notice fuckface doesn’t have a capital letter.

dave answered my last email.

He said he appreciates that I am being fair and he thanked me for being who I am. He asked me to please forgive the stupid things he said when he was mad or upset or scared.

The truth is I do.

Then he gave me a list of things he needs me to do for his business.

I realize that this email was more hurtful than when he’s mean. It was polite and businesslike. As I’ve said before, the opposite of love is indifference.

The main reason I have to finish this relationship off is because every contact is painful to me.

I know he doesn’t want to hurt me. He isn’t a mean person however there is no way he can do what he’s doing without causing me pain.

But enough about me.

Today I went to Goldie Schwartzberg’s funeral.

If ever a funeral was a celebration of someone’s life this was it. No one was crying. We were all laughing about the joy of spending time with Goldie and how she enjoyed being with us and was always laughing.

Al quoted the time we were all sitting around the table in Montauk and she couldn’t stop laughing while I tried to convince her that Allan was gay. I even had proof.

When  dave and I bought tennis racquets Al was totally disinterested. A new television, nothing,  but when he heard that I had a sewing machine he was over there like a shot trying it out.

There was no joke that she didn’t get.

She wasn’t perfect though. She actually believed that her neighbors loved when Allan practiced the drums day and night while he was growing up.

Just before the funeral started I heard Al tell Sue that he had to pee. I told him that though there was no bathroom nearby, there were big bushes all over the place. Just step behind one and pee. Noone would see him. I would go with him and we could pretend that we were talking. I had already seen Allan’s pee pee years before so he didn’t have to be embarrassed. (more about that another time but I will say that when I told Goldie the story, she laughed)

I guess he thought it would be disrespectful so he refused.

While I was listening to the Rabbi I noticed that the tops of all those bushes were green and healthy but the bottoms all had dead branches.

All of a sudden it came to me. With all the mourning old jews coming to that place you gotta assume that 90% of them have to pee and not all of them are as gentlemanly as Allan Schwartzberg.

Goldie would have let him pee. She thought that whatever he did was perfect.

I got a call from my other nephew who lives in Israel today.

He thinks I’m too soft on dave. He could be right.

I never answered dave’s email when he asked for another $15,000. Like everything else I figured if I ignore it it would go away but it didn’t.

He asked again and I wrote back this time.

I explained that while I had been cutting expenses he was spending about $500 a day.

I told him I would send him some money but then I got tough.

I wrote:

I’ve put over 36 years into building up a life and secure financial future that it seems I will not be enjoying.
I am trying to be fair with you but since you are no longer taking care of me I have to take care of myself.
Because I am who I am I am trying not to do that to your detriment but I still remember you standing in the living room telling me that I’m lucky you don’t just go to Japan and good luck getting anything from you.

That’ll show him. I’ll send him money but he’ll get a good tongue lashing.

Here’s why you need a sister.

When you start thinkin’ and thinkin’ and you work yourself up in into a state of panic, she tells you why you don’t have to worry.

That was probably more of a tweet so I’ll have to fill this post up with a bunch of crap.

Two good things happened to me already today.

1. I woke up all gloomy because I have to pay my bills today, this being the first of the month. After putting them in piles and throwing away the junk mail I realized that today is the 30th so I don’t have to pay them until tomorrow. AND I ALREADY HAVE A LEG UP.

2. I got a threatening letter from IDT for non  payment of a bill and I called them up and said I had cancelled the service a month ago.

The lady said she would listen to my cancellation call and call me back. SHE CALLED ME BACK AND SAID I WAS RIGHT.

Things may be going my way today.

I think I should buy a lottery ticket. Then I could get anything I want.

I wonder how much a hit man costs?

I just did something so freudian.

I was writing to my lawyer and I signed the letter,

Best,

Married

Instead of Mattie.

Obviously I caught it but man it gave me chills.

Also don’t know why I insist on telling jokes to my lawyer. Maybe it’s because I want to seem like more of a person to her. I don’t think it’s working though.

When I do it in person she just looks at me blankly. In this letter I told her that I was having nightmares that dave was coming in and stealing the checkbooks. I added that that’s probably the jewish version of the train going through a tunnel.

I can just imagine that steely stare.

Now why was I writing to her?

Funnily it had something to do with Julie’s reading last night. I met a funny, lovely woman who reads my blog. I liked her so much that if she lived near me I’d want her for a friend. Don’t be scared, Debbi, you’re safe. You live way far away.

We were talking about my situation and later when I thought about it I didn’t like the way I came off. Like a wishy washy noodle.

I kept saying that I felt protective of dave and I didn’t want to hurt him.

The truth is I do want to hurt him. I know I said I didn’t want to talk about my dreams but last night I dreamt that I was on vacation and dave was there and he was sleeping with all my friends and stealing my checkbooks.

In my dream I was beating him to a pulp and I only woke up when my sister called.

Because I’m worried about not having enough money after the divorce I’ve been putting this off but I realize that until I put him out of my life I can’t get him out of my dreams.

I had an epiphany again yesterday.

A friend suggested starting a little business. In my head my immediate reaction was “Don’t be silly. I can’t do that”.

I was wondering why I went there.

One reason is I’ve considered dave and me in the throws of retirement.

Of course I wasn’t actually planning to retire because even with the divorce I’d still be part of the corporation and taking care of the details of his career.

I explain that because his being a free lance worker the only way I’d know what he’s earning is if I handle it.

Now that I’m seeing how he’s handling his money when I’m not in control of it I’m actually worried about him.

I digress.

Back to my epiphany.

Maybe if dave hadn’t dumped me I’d be moving towards retiring but that was my old life.

My new life is starting and I can do whatever I want with it.

I never thought I could write but I’m doing it every day and loving it.

If a business opportunity comes up that interests me, as long as it doesn’t take money I can try it if I want to. And even if it takes money. I may be able to get a loan or a grant or something for being a woman, a senior citizen and a loser.

There’s a whole bunch of things I can try if I want to.

If only I wasn’t so scared.

I thought David might be going crazy. That’s Liz’s David as you can tell by the capital “D”.

This morning I opened my door to get the NY Times and there was a bagel on my paper. I knew it wasn’t from Liz because she left really early to go to be interviewed by NY1 for her Holiday Market at Union Square.

It had to be from David.

Now he knows I use any excuse to go running over there to “share the morning” as I like to say.

Usually he looks up, frowns and goes back to reading his paper as I walk in (he uses the term “bust in” but I don’t let it bother me).

But this bagel was like an engraved invitation written in calligraphy.

He even turned off the news at my entrance.

It wasn’t long before I realized  why he was so welcoming.

The cold weather had killed all the flies so he had no wings to pull off.

After the usual morning chit chat he proceeded to tell me how with dave spending all this money I might be in a pickle when the divorce comes through.

It will be extremely difficult to afford two households and I’d better start thinking about that.

When he got divorced he had to sell his house  which gave him a bunch of cash but it was still hard to support his ex wife’s life and his and his son’s.

I was dying to find out what he got for his house. He refused to tell me. He simply said  “It was wayyyy more than I paid for it”.

“What did you pay for it?” He shook his head.

I know what you’re thinking. “What kind  of person asks people about their finances?”

I’ll tell you what kind of person. My kind.

Liz always explains to any of her guests that just because I ask them questions they shouldn’t feel they have to answer.

I remember shortly after I met Miss Liz (my little nieces call her that), truly the waspiest person I’ve ever known, she was at my house for dinner and a friend showed me a necklace she had just gotten.

I said “What’d that set you back?”

I thought Liz would faint dead away.

And her shock was doubled when my friend answered.

Any mention of money puts Miss Liz in a swoon.

Jeez how are you supposed to know if you want to buy one too if you don’t know what it costs?

And how am I supposed to know if down the line I want to hit David for a loan if I don’t know how much money he has?

He knows to the penny what I have.

Stephanie and her husband, Terry,  are with Terry’s family on some Caribbean island for the holiday. This morning I got an email from her saying:

“Those blogs are heartbreaking Mattie.  I don’t even know what I can say although the sooner you can forget his name, the better…”

Today is Thanksgiving.

I was worried that dave wouldn’t remember me on the holiday.

How silly of me. We were together for 45 years and never spent a Thanksgiving apart.

I was so pleased to see that he sent an email to me this morning .

Unfortunately it said:

” i’m going to need some more money. i guess $15,000 will handle it for a while. do you need me to send you an iou by email?”

$15,000? $15,000???  For awhile????

What on earth is he spending all this money on? He must be supporting slutface’s whole family.

I guess that we’re lucky that I handled the money all these years.